The Rodeo Cowboy

"Here you go Ma'am," The host smiles at me as she hands me my menu.

Why do I do this to myself? I get asked where we're going to go for dinner, but I'm so indecisive. I panic, and I pick somewhere that sounds like it could be made up. The Ranch. And no, it's not the place Dr. Phill sends disobedient children. It's a new burger joint that opened up 2 years ago, during a global pandemic. The only place that stayed open for people to come into the restaurant, despite there being a national lockdown. Still, I've heard it's good from several people and it seemed like a safe bet.

"Thank you." I smile awkwardly up at the waitress.

Eye contact, Ugh. I didn't look in her eyes.

My palms start sweating and I look anxiously through the menu. I don't know what to get, there are too many choices. Too many sides. I guess I'll get a salad. Shoot. No. I really want a burger.

I look up from the menu and see my boyfriend looking through his menu.

I say what I always say in these situations, because since I picked it I am so worried he's going to hate the restaurant I picked "What are you going to get?"

"I don't know, what about you?"

"A burger, I think...Maybe not. I haven't decided."

He smiles at me, "I think a burger sounds good. I'll get one too."

I smile, "Deal"

"And for dessert? Ice cream float?"

"Perfect."

My palms start to dry. Grant always knew how to make me feel better, even if he had no idea I was silently panicking.

The waitress comes, asks us what we would like to drink, we tell her. Grant tells her we're ready to order our food. He nods to me that I go first. I stumble through my prerecorded script that I was playing in my head.

Remember, just say I want a Rodeo Cowboy with no pickle and mustard. You can't say cheeseburger because there are multiple types of cheeseburgers and you don't want to inconvenience her and take up her time.

"I'll have the Rodeo Cowboy with no pickle." Okay good job.

"Okay, what side?" She asks as she jots on her note pad what I said.

"Ummm.." Crap, I didn't remember to rehearse that. I fumble open the menu and my heart starts racing. Where are the sides?! I look up and I see her looking at me and I clear my throat.

"I'll just have fries." I say and fold back the menu incorrectly and hand it to her.

"Okay, and what for you, sir?"

"I'll have the Sunset Cactus with extra bacon, and a side side salad with ranch." Grant says perfectly.

"Got it, I'll bring you folks those out in a bit." She smiles, turns on her heels and walks away, her long pony tail swishing behind her. Her pants tight around her butt, I feel something and it feels wrong. I clear my throat again. "I'm really panicking, Grant."

"What's wrong baby?" He looks at me with concern.

"I have no idea." I say. It's how I feel at that moment, but I know exactly what's happening. I'm having an anxiety attack, which will lead to a panic attack if I don't voice it out loud to Grant.

"You're okay, I promise. I'm right here." He takes out his hand from underneath the booth. I put my hand in his.

"What was your favorite thing about today?" He asks, grabbing my hand and giving it a loving squeeze before releasing it and sliding his hand back under the table.

"Probably right now. I'm just glad I get to be here with you." I truly meant that. So why did it feel like I was faking saying that? Do you not love him anymore? Are you in a toxic relationship? You being the toxic one, of course. Because you have a feeling of doubt that you don't truly love your boyfriend. You have been with him for a year. You just looked at that waitress's butt. You're a lesbian.

The other side of my brain starts talking. I'm not a lesbian. I love church too much, I am one of God's children. He wouldn't want me being with a girl. That is wrong, that would mean I would go to hell. Besides, I love Grant. We have a great relationship. He is a good Christian man. He's who I'm supposed to be with for the rest of my life.

Just relax. Breathe, otherwise you're going to have yet another panic attack.

I take a deep breath, he had been talking to me while I was having these thoughts and I wasn't paying attention. He doesn't seem to notice, which is fine with me. I have a good "I'm listening" face. I don't want him knowing the thoughts I'm having. They terrify me.

He laughs, so I giggle. "So anyways, I guess you could say Mark really knew what he was doing. I mean, would you have known what to do in that situation?"

I freeze. I don't want him knowing I have zero idea what situation Mark was in.

"No, I guess not." I say.

"Me neither," He takes a drink of his water that the waitress just put on the table.

"Can you excuse me?" I say, as I get up and go to the bathroom.

My heart starts pounding as I look around anxiously for the restroom sign. I ask a waiter where they were, he points back to the back wall. A very obvious neon "OUTHOUSE" sign hung over an arch way. I go into the restroom and lock myself in a stall. I pull my pants down, sit down and sit there with my hands in my hair. I feel my legs start shaking, my heart still pounding. My hands return to a wet state. My throat feels like it is closing up, I struggle to catch my breath as I keep swallowing. My ears feel like they're being clogged with cotton balls. I swallow and open my mouth, trying to pop my ears. My legs are going numb. I pull my phone out of my back pants pocket that is dangling inches above the restroom ground, hands shaking I google "Legs go numb" because I can't form a complete sentence. "Signs of stroke." Great, I'm having a freaking stroke in the middle of The Ranch bathroom.

I sit there for what feels like hours, but it had only been 10 minutes according to my phone. I finally feel like I can get up. I stand up, and flush the empty toilet so that if there was someone in there it didn't seem weird that a person just was sitting in a bathroom with their pants pulled out and produced nothing.

I wash my hands, look at myself in the mirror, and make sure no one else is in the room with me. I smile at myself. I breathe. I'm okay. I walk out to the table and our food is there. I sit down and take a bite.

"Everything okay?" Grant says.

"Yep, I'm totally good!" I smile and take another bite of food.

"I forgot to ask for no mustard." I frown, and then laugh. He laughs too, but his face gets a little more serious.

"Are you sure you're okay? You were gone in there for a while. I know you said you were panicking, and I just really want to make sure-"

"Yeah, I was definitely having a panic attack." I blurt out.

"I'm sorry babe."

"It's okay. I'm okay now, I'm glad I can eat this burger. Even though I forgot to say I wanted mustard! I just panicked!"

He laughed. "You are so ridiculous."

"I know it," I smiled. I never started saying "I know it" until I started dating Grant.

We pay our bill, I smile at our waitress and wave, then we leave.