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The Chocolate
Chapter 1: The Box
Back in World War 1, there were 2 men, one man a chocolate lover, the other an adventure hunter. The chocolate lover’s name is Jonathan, the adventure hunter’s name is Leon. “Where are you going!” Jonathan says, “And why are you going, it's hell out there.” “I am just going to get some chocolate, and the good kind too.” Leon says. “You’re gonna get killed out there.” Jonathan says, “Nah I’m not, these women cannot touch me.” Leon says. Jonathan says, “And where are you going to get chocolate from.” “You know that fat sissy over there.” Leon says. Leon goes in for the kill.
Chapter 2: Russia
It has been years since the war and even more since my friend died in that war. He gave me chocolate when he died. I want to return the favor. I will only give him the world’s best chocolate, no matter what.
When I got on that plane I knew where I was headed, Russia. It’s cold, too cold, even for me, the Tsar was in the middle of a revolution so I left him alone. When I got to the so-called best chocolate factory the person who runs the place told me that I am in for a treat. I wasted no time. I tried the chocolate and went, but he stopped me in my tracks and said, “Aren’t you going to pay for that chocolate.” I replied, “Well no I thought it was free.” “Ha a funny man aren’t you, well lets just take all that funny out.” he tried to kill me with a knife. Looks like he brought a knife to a gunfight.
His goons tried to join also, I was out numbered, but then someone, out from the distance came in to assist me. The goons thought this would be easy but we showed them. When the final goon was down we went in for the kill, the leader that is. I said “Thanks for your assistance.” he replied, “Don’t mention it.” we parted ways, I never saw him again.
Chapter 3: Great Britain
Russia was a failure so I hope to God this one will be it. When I got to Great Britain I suddenly noticed this was not a good idea, but I have to keep on going I said to myself. When I got to the chocolate factory the owner said to me, “Welcome, welcome all to the International British House of Chocolate.” Now this person looks like he has some good chocolate.
But he looked strange, like he saw some things, but I didn’t know that until I got closer. When he got closer to me he randomly pulled out a gun and said, “I know who you are.” I replied, “Strange, I don’t know who you are.” he just smiled. I punched the crazy man then took a run for it. For my life, he looked as if he would really do it, pull the trigger, but none of that matters. I'm out.
I went for the plane as fast as I could then I left him. At least that's what I thought.
Chapter 4: America
I’m safe, for now. That man scared me and when I say scared me I mean scared me. When I heard the American National Anthem I knew right away that I was in America. The land of the free and the home of the brave. Yep that’s it I might as well try the chocolate while I’m there, then he came. That crazy man followed me. I ran to the crowd just to blend in. He spotted me easily. Then he came down with it, I finally know who he is, the man who killed Leon. That fat sissy got skinny.
I ran up a building, he followed me, when I was at the top he shoved me off the building 50ft off the ground. I nearly died if it wasn’t for that big balloon. I don't know how it got there but I’m alive. Looks like he wasn’t so lucky he died and landed on his feet, wow I didn’t know anyone could do that.
I went to the chocolate factory then I tried the chocolate. It wasn’t as good as German chocolate, German chocolate that’s it. I will go back to Germany then try the chocolate there. Thank God
Chapter 5: Germany
I went back to the fatherland then tried many different chocolates. The chocolate that I will take to my friend's grave looked improbable. But then the Kaiser's chocolate factory was knocking on my door. “You need chocolate son.” “Yes sir.” I replied. They were known for their chocolate; it was apparently the best chocolate in the world. Well here goes nothing.
“So good I need this chocolate for a friend.” I said. He said, “Yes, anything for the former military.” I replied, “Thank you sir.”
Chapter 6: Graveyard
I went to the grave of my friend and placed the box on top of the casket. Right on time for the funeral. I now know that I can rest because I have fulfilled my promise.
Then I went to my house remembering all the good times I had with my friend. Then I returned to the graveyard only to notice that the grave had been dug up. I went to check it out then someone pushed me into the grave and that was the day I knew this was all a sham.
He wanted me to survive, he wanted me to kill the fat sissy, he wanted me to check out the graveyard. I screamed “LEON!” “When I get out I am coming for you next.”
Chapter 7: The Hunt
The hunt was on, I got out of the graveyard and ran out to town, but realized it’s not about me it’s about the Kaiser. I yield “SPY!” He was a British spy. Out to destroy Germany I was the only one in his way. As long as I knew he was dead I would stand in his way.
When he got to the Kaiser in order to assassinate him I was already there and killed him. I couldn’t believe it my best friend the one who got me out of tough times, a spy I’m an idiot but no I’m not an idiot he fooled everyone else I did something good.
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Hello Jonathan,
I try to pick one story to review each day, and today I randomly picked yours in the historical fiction section.
You attempted to put a whole adventure into a very short story. It reminds me of some of the adventures I used to imagine when I was younger. It was interesting that you chose to write the story from a German perspective. Are you German or were you participating in a challenge to imagine someone else's point-of-view (POV)? It is always a good idea to think of how someone else might see events of the past or even the present.
On to the writing, I liked how you started the story. As for how you can make your writing stronger, let's look at the first sentence.
"Back in World War 1, there were 2 men, one man a chocolate lover, the other an adventure hunter."
You are setting the scene for your story. But we can still make this more exciting!! Passive voice is words like is, was, were, are. Most English teachers will tell you to use these words sparingly, and might even make you practice not using them at all. Example:
"The solider was shot" is not nearly as exciting "The German soldier lifted his rifle and shot the American soldier."
You can understand here why it is called Passive Voice. Passive is when something happens to you, where as active voice is when you are a part of the action. Even someone being shot is doing something. They are feeling and impact, hurting, etc... If there is action in a story, the character can always use active voice, even if they are the one getting shot!
So if I were going to try to change your first sentence to make it active voice, I might suggest the following:
"As World War 1 raged, two men, a chocolate lover and an adventure lover, considered their situation."
Hope this helps a little. It was an exciting idea and if you are the type of person who would search the whole world for best chocolate for your friends, you are a good friend indeed. I just hope your friends are more loyal!
If you are looking for any reviews of your work, I am open to peer editing and I also provide an editing service on fiverr.com.
Fiverr editing
https://www.fiverr.com/s2/88c58818b4
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I would also appreciate if you would read and "like" my stories too!
https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/author/betsy-ells/
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It's quite the chase you've written here, entertaining for sure but perhaps a little shallow in development. While short stories don't have the breadth of character development as novels, I would like to have seen a bit more about who Jonathan and Leon were. It was certainly a fun story whose progress kept my attention.
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