Cindy

Cindy was ready to tiptoe loudly through her old stomping grounds. The mall where some of her warmer early life memories had been turned long-term. The ages of 9-16 years old are said by some older people to “not matter,” but they are lying their ass off, because what you do at that age sticks with you more tightly in many ways than your 20-45 highlights compilation. It’s the firsts that make it for the long haul, for better or worse. Being into her 40s and feeling it having been diagnosed with something nasty a while back, Cindy had experienced the mall world; that different selfie-less world her (and everybody’s) teenage kids kind of wonder about that didn’t have anybody considering posting daily play by plays, making it a comparatively secretive time where the imagination fills in the gaps of both those that experienced it, and those that did not.

This Lakeshore mall is where Cindy experienced her early life, although on this day it all felt like one moment that just rushed to the present at the speed of light, and age did not really seem to mean anything. How old am I again? Cindy thought. Pulling into the parking lot of the enduring behemoth brought back nerves for Cindy Lou, who’s muscle memory regarding this place caused her to think she still may see “somebody,” which hasn’t really meant anything since she was a teenager, but she still felt anxious and like she had to be ready for it.. She pulled into an area where she had parked 100 times before, and it started to feel like dream. Oh my God, this is where we waited for concert tickets in the 90s! Cindy’s heart sped up talking to herself thinking early mornings waiting for tickets, and some of the cute boys she saw while there, and good girl friends who saw them too. I can’t believe how long it’s been. I hope the damn place is still open in here. Looks like a ghost town. Still, the sun was shining especially bright down on Cindy this day as she walked to the familiar doorway, where the spirits of her past seem to make her want to stop and just talk loudly to anybody that would listen about how she always sat on that wall near the door and smoked with her friends Sarah and Lauren every weekend for years; but she was alone and there was nobody to talk loudly to, so she just thought about it loudly to herself. The heavy doors opened the same way they always did, but Cindy again felt as she was walking in that she must have been dreaming, and that this couldn’t be real-life. The mall felt like happy times, bathed in the sadness of those times being over, as she stepped through the gateway into the clean, yet quiet hallway that should have seemed smaller due to the phenomenon of everything looking smaller as you age, but instead looked bigger because of the emptiness and lack of stores.

 Cindy was only really hoping one store was still open, and it was the Gold-diva chocolate store right in the center of the mall. It would be one of the last to go; she was sure of that. She was getting her two daughters Eve and Lacey the best chocolate made (to Cindy, at least) for this year’s Valentine’s Day. Eve and Lacey were the loves of Cindy’s life these days, especially since her husband passed away young. In her days of coming to the mall with her parents before it was embarrassing, and way before she missed it, she would always get a single piece of the best chocolate in the world, and it was at this mall. The best chocolate in the world, right at this mall. Her daughters deserved the best chocolate in the world for what they had been through, and they were the only thing that kept Cindy attached to the present, where she had been feeling like leaving lately. After over twenty years walking through this giant hall couldn’t be real. Twenty years could not have passed, because it felt like Cindy was just here with her friends yesterday…

There were a few people walking around here and there inside, and they all looked like they were happy to be there but confused to be at “a mall” again. Cindy wanted to ask them one by one, “Do have any idea what store used to be here? And here? Do you know this is where I had my first kiss?!” Cindy assumed her superior knowledge of past incantations of the structure. Cindy made her way across the old yet shiny marble floor, with little smells here and there making her aware that food was still available here somewhere. The smells brought back vivid, yet somewhat non-descript memories, like smells sometimes do. She looked up at the huge chrome-framed thick glass skylights that were beautiful and nearly forgotten in favor of plastic framed shopping windows at home. She thought about how much of a hassle it would have been to have those sky-touching windows built, and how these architectural feats were oft ignored even before a picture of absolutely anything could be pulled up in seconds. The bright sunlight reflected through them for a moment and warmed her greatly, almost pulling her into the sky in which they rose into, and she liked that feeling washing over her, but she was back on track quickly when the smell of the world’s best chocolate store wafted across her face. “It’s still here!” She yelled through her smiling clenched teeth. Cindy hadn’t seen the store yet, but she smelled it, and low and behold as she rounded the corner leading to the center of the lakeshore mall there it was. After all these years the atmosphere, the people, and the chocolate she was about to pick up all started coming back to her. Cindy felt as though she was awaking from a daydream to a new reality; which was an old reality. There were far more people here in the middle of the mall than she would have imagined by the outskirts, and there were familiar stores open because of course they were, because why wouldn’t they be? The music was louder here, the people were talking to each other openly, the smells were familiar. Cindy was back at the mall again.

There was a familiar man standing at the counter looking like he knew Cindy was coming. She almost felt a tear coming as she took smaller steps leading to the counter.

“Hello ma’am. Nice to see you today. What can I help you with?” said the man with a wry smirk.

“Oh my gosh, I came here years ago. I love your chocolate. It’s been so long. I’m so glad you’re still here!” said Cindy.

“We get that a lot ma’am, but I’m sure it hasn’t really been all that long. Let me show you some treats I think you’ll like.” Cindy felt just like she did the last time she came here with her friends. Her body and spirit felt back to herself after a moment of closing and opening her eyes. The aware looking man somewhat resembling Dick Van Dyke with 80 extra pounds carefully put together a couple small samples in mini cupcake holders. The people in the mall’s center bustled around in a natural, unobtrusive way that not only did not distract Cindy, but helped her immerse herself in the moment. Cindy bit into the chocolate she was handed, and at that moment Cindy was now herself again. She had awakened from her dream and felt as though life was fresh again, and it was. From the crowd Cindy’s friend Sarah Demers aggressively friendly voice rapidly approached, “Cindy where were you? We were all together at Brookstone and you just disappeared. Did you go off with Steve and those girls he was with?”

Cindy turned to be face to face with her friend, realizing she was awakening from the strangest daydream she had ever had. “Sarah I was just getting some chocolate for.. Look I’m not sure what happened but I had the weirdest dream last night, and it’s freaking me out.”

“What are you talking about Cin; we have been here all day. Why didn’t you mention this before?” asked Sarah. 

“Because, I don’t know. The dream seemed so real. I was older and I had a family, and I think my husband died and I had kids, but I don’t know. I feel like, weird and just whatever,” Cindy said in a half truth. We have all had dreams that felt so real that we woke up and couldn’t decide whether the events really happened, or kind of happened, or happened in the past etc… Cindy had that unknowing discomfort, but she also felt great in her skin for the first time on a long time. She was back she was supposed to be, and she didn’t like the way she had felt in the dream, which was old and sickly for whatever age she dreamed she was; she knew there were things she loved deeply in the dream, but she decided not to worry about that for the moment

. 

“Ma’am, will you be needing anything else?” Asked the chocolate shop employee, turning Cindy back around away from Sarah. 

“No this will be all, sir. Thank you so much for your help.”

“It’s my pleasure as always, dear. Enjoy your chocolate.”

 Cindy paid for the two gold foil wrapped pieces of chocolate on the counter that she did not remember ordering, but knew she needed. She gave Sarah the second of two free samples the older gentleman had given her, and they walked together looking for the other friend they came with who had also apparently got separated. Smiling boys passed by, as well as groups of smiling girls. The mall was full of people happy to be out, with nobody on their phones, but engaged in conversation with each other. The stores Cindy has dreamed were closed were still there. Cindy and Sarah talked about going out for a cigarette they were a little too young for. Slowly walking down the large hall with an upper and lower level, the inappropriate little jokes (something about old man balls being tucked into their socks after they walked by) they told each other had Sarah bust out laughing as if her laugh reflex had been shot from a cannon, and then there she was; Lauren, straight ahead looking in the window of her favorite clothing store, the Ferris wheel. Lauren looked so cute looking through the window, with her tan pants accidentally making her butt stick out, and her 1930s paperboy hat that made Cindy think she was totally adorable. Her smile was always it, and her dark hair looked long and clean. Cindy was as attracted to her presence as much as a non-lesbian could possibly be. Sarah shot another noise cannon with a high-pitched scream as she ran towards the friend; it was the kind of scream that made all around know who loved who and exactly how much.

“You bitch!! Where were you!!” Sarah yelled at the embarrassed chubby cheeked teenager. 

“I’m right here Sarah. Here I am. Hi Cindy!!”

“Hi Lo, we missed you,” responded Cindy with her smile hiding not so well. 

Sarah, taking charge of the little social scene as usual, started lovingly accosting her friend, “I was going to call 911 looking for you both. We can’t get separated like that again my bitches. Do you understand that?” 

“We got lost on purpose Sarah, because we knew you would be the one to save us,” quipped Lauren.

“It does seem like we got saved by Sarah here Lauren, and I’m sure glad she did. I was annoyed that we got lost like that.”

“Me too Cin. Me too.”

Cindy had started to forget the dream of her being an older person driving to the deserted mall feeling uncomfortable in her own skin, and remembered coming to the mall with her friends, and she remembered the boy she hoped to see more than anybody else at the mall. Steve Dobson was the one she wanted since she was 13 years old, and she felt like it was serious for their age. Steve had brown hair, blue eyes, and nice cheek bones. He was funny and a little mean, but not too much so. She felt like she would see him, and she was happy about it. Not wanting the friends to feel in second place, Cindy did not mention her desire to see this boy. The three friends walked and talked and plotted the day, and that’s when they came to the beautiful skylights that Cindy had appreciated earlier, or maybe in her dream, but there they were again. They all stood under together and looked up, with the other two following Cindy’s lead. Cindy noticed two angels were now painted on the side of the glass, looking down. It was the most impressive thing Cindy had ever seen. The angels were gorgeous young women, and Cindy thought whoever made those wonderful angels must be so proud. “What’s wrong Cin?” asked Sarah. Cindy just noted how beautiful that angels looking down from the light were, and how they seemed to be the greatest creation on God’s Earth, and how it felt like they were there just for her. The friends agreed with her assessment, and they moved on. Lauren smirked at Cindy and drew a deep breath before starting to speak,

“So I hear there’s going to be some people at the theatre for the late show, and Cin, I heard Steve is going to be there.”

Cindy smiled back and replied with a sassy, “Oh yeah? We will have to see about that.”

The three friends made their way to the movies where they had always gone, and where they would always go. Steve Dobson was there, the cutest boy Cindy had ever seen, and there were three seats next to where he was and Lauren and Sarah pushed Cindy in his direction and sat her down next to him. His hair was longer than the last time she saw him, and his eyes were bright and showed interest in her immediately. No words were spoken, but Steve Dobson grabbed Cindy’s hand and let her no he was going to hold it for the rest of the show. A tear rolled down Cindy’s cheek as they turned towards the screen together. The screen started to shine white, and on each side was the image of the two angels Cindy had seen painted near the skylight looking down on her. They were now alive, looking straight upon her, and with Steve holding her hand, she felt as much love as she had even felt before, and she turned to her friends who were both giving her a knowing smile, as though they had set this whole date up themselves. The angels on the screen spoke, “We love you. We love you so much. Thank you for everything. We love you.” The screen grew bright and Steve squeezed Cindy’s have as she was bathed away in warmth.

Eve and Lacey gazed down at their mother in the hospital bed and really didn’t hear the alarms going off. They felt her spirit escaping, as a final long breath was exhaled, and a smile they hadn’t seen vaguely opened on the thin pale face. The brain tumor diagnosis had hit them hard, and the last couple months in the hospital had hit real hard. Cindy Dobson was a very good woman, and they were extremely sad to say goodbye. These beautiful angels of hers could find a little solace in knowing that she would be reunited with their father Steve, after losing him suddenly last year; and maybe she would even see her best friends that died in a car accident pulling out of Lakeshore mall when they were younger. As the Doctors rushed in to go through some motions, they pulled on her arms to straighten them out, and her hand squeezing a white cloth opened, and two pieces of gold foil wrapped chocolate fell out. 

Edward Stechschulte