Side character

Dear you,

I see how you look at her, and I know how you feel. I know that you like me, but also, I know that she can't escape from your thoughts. I can’t be compared to her, and I never will.

I don’t wanna be a second choice for someone who I would pick first. And don’t get me wrong, I like you too, I just don’t appreciate the fact that I have to spend time with you and her every day and overlook that I feel jealous. Not of her, but the emotion that you feel towards her.

I know her since forever and I’m close to her as a best friend could be. But I’m exhausted by people always liking her first. I’m the one that people go when she says no.

I see you waiting for my message, but I hear your heart stop every time I hug you because you see her with her boyfriend kissing, hugging, being a couple, but isn’t he your best friend too?

I don’t wanna force you, but you can’t make me wait for you to love me, and attack me when I have other possibilities, and you know that I will keep being around, no matter how bad you treat me and that’s the painful part because I gave you all to receive only a phone call in exchange?

I didn’t choose you over him because I desired him better. I preferred him because he never made me chose. And that was not acceptable, it was never acceptable, I never made you chose even tho you constantly demonstrated that you wished her more than you craved me.

I'm sorry that I don’t remember to invite you any more to my birthdays or to hang out. Because I know that instead of you be with her, you will be with me, talking with me, giggling with me, but staring at her.

I don't wanna seem dramatic, but I know that you get hysterical, because I spend the day hanging out with her and your friends and never invite you. And then they get home and say that they are interested in me. And you act like you are supportive when you are just thinking if you are gonna lose one more person again. But I just can't anymore.

Your friends say that I and he stay good together and that he likes me...and occasionally I get it why, when the reality is that I can't desire anyone but you.

You suck, you caught me on a low point, got close to me, and left me when I was better, I thought that you were talking seriously when you said that you didn't like her. And now I'm like this. Having a lot of people appreciating me and not having the capacity of giving them affection because of someone that I was waiting for and still waiting to change for months. It's been two years, and it's still hard for me to be taken as a side character, that's why I kissed your best friend. To be recognized. But I got exhausted, he wasn't it. And after that even when I was with the person that you hated I still picked you over him in that fight where this time, he asked me to chose. And you still don't notice me. I'm finished. 

You are killing me, I see you looking at her when you hug me, I can hardly hear you thinking of her when you kiss me. And I'm sorry. For getting insane and kiss other guys that, were never you, and pulling you over. I didn't forget about you, I was just waiting for you to notice that I didn't want to be with you anymore, but you understood in another way. I am trying to deal with you the same way as I behave towards him, the distinction is that I like you as another variety of love. But that is toxic because you never tried to forgive when I always tried to forget...

I always believed that it was my fault for everything that happened, I blamed myself for hating you when you start talking awful things about me behind my back…but after a while, I got it…it wasn’t my mistake. I knew who I was handling with, and you only cared about her, you talked about everyone behind their’s back to me. Obviously, you also spoke about me in my back, I got to the point where when she introduces me to her boyfriend she says “she is the one that he is always fighting with”, and he recognized me in the second, that got me thinking if you talked so extensively about me, why don’t you do in my face? I mean, is that wanting too much? I detest you, but I still care about you, and between these two, there is a big difference. I wasn’t even a chapter in your life, I was a just a phrase and that is what really bothers me...How could I be only a quote of someone who was my title?

                        See you one day.

And here it ends, a girl who were too insecure and who wondered about things too much, and a boy who was disturbed about his feelings. The both of them had met in school, she didn't even know his name for the first two years of being in the same class until they unexpectedly start talking. She remembers the way he smiled at her in the library after doing calls with him for practically all the easter break, they were 12 at the time, little to they knew that they would be each other's biggest dilemma in the future. They eventually fell apart, she in denial for her love towards him, and him, well, he lost someone who he needed by someone that he wanted and wasn't available. They couldn't ignore each other, they had the same friend group, and they were friends in the big picture, well...friends who stared a second too long. She was yet a side character for him, but with a different connotation. Every time that their legs brushed when they were sit down next to each other they wouldn't move them, because they knew that was one of the last things that they could do. The tough part was growing apart and losing the weight of their former intentions in the night. They forgot about each other because they changed schools to go to college, and it wasn't easy at the beginning, knowing that they wouldn't see the other face permanently, even tho they said that they would keep in touch. And even after months, he would catch himself thinking “what if I had picked her”. And she, well she knew that he was not gonna be in her book until the end,but she will always remember what page his name was on.