Shedding the Mask

The fourth generation of the DeYoungs was born last week. Because we are in a "no contact" phase with the family, no one has shared any details about the child. Should I write a letter to my sister-in-law about the mental illness I see in our family? Does she genuinely not see it, or is she too afraid to speak up? If I did write her a letter, this is what I would say. I open my computer and begin to type another chapter in the DeYoung saga. The title for this chapter will be, Shed the Mask.

Monica,

I’m writing to you because I care about you, and I’ve been thinking a lot about our family, especially now that you’re a grandmother. This new chapter is so precious, and it has me reflecting on the future we want for our grandchildren.

Deep down, you see the same complicated dynamics that I do. I know that marrying into this family has not always been easy. It feels like we’ve both worn a mask and learned to navigate a challenging system, often led by our mother-in-law's strong personality, which I’ve learned over the last three years is her unhealed trauma. I think we both learned to keep the peace by watching our father-in-law and husbands excuse her hurtful behavior with the phrase, “that’s just how she is.” Knowing that they, too, have learned behaviors that are very unhealthy. For the health of our family, I’m beginning to feel that excuse isn’t enough anymore.

For me, a real turning point was the day Susan was talking to me about Lauren before she became your daughter-in-law. She said, “I don’t know what Aidan sees in her. I’m not sure he even likes her.” Hearing that made me incredibly sad for Lauren, and it made me realize how these patterns could affect the next generation. For years, we have all just allowed Susan to triangulate all of our families, so none of us like or trust one another. It also made me think of our ex-sister-in-law, Becky, who chose a different path for herself after divorcing Jerry Jr. I know you have stayed and weathered so much, and I worry about the toll it has taken on your health. I remember the vibrant woman you were when you married into this family. I feel I have to try and help make our family healthy, and that resolve started for me on the day I vowed to support the new women joining our family.

My greatest hope is that you can be a wonderful mother-in-law to Lauren and a helpful and kind grandmother. That you won't have to quietly stand by if your husband puts undue pressure on your son’s new family. We both saw how guilt and shame were used in raising our children—the same way our husbands were raised—and I worry about that cycle continuing. I see the lasting impact on your boys. It concerns me when I see your sons repeating the patterns of this family. Arden struggles with his self-confidence, and I worry about the pressure on Seymour to please everyone, especially now that he’s starting his own family. For the family business to thrive for another 75 years, it will need transparency and honest communication—tools that have been challenging for our husbands and their sons to develop. It's heartbreaking to me, and I believe so much of it stems from our mother-in-law’s unresolved issues. For the sake of your beautiful new grandson and all future grandchildren, I hope you’ll consider using your voice.

I know your husband’s first instinct is to please his mother, often at your expense, and you have shouldered that quietly for so long. Seeing you struggle with your health, I can’t help but wonder if the immense stress of it all has played a part. Now, hearing Arden also copes with his health issues, I worry that this family stress is affecting him, too. Can we stand by and watch this same pressure fall on our grandchildren?

Monica, you didn't come from a family like this. You have such a kind and gentle heart. Please think about the future you want for your grandchildren. They need your strength and your true self. I can only imagine how much your own family must have worried about you over the years. I don’t believe for a second that you’ve been “brainwashed” or that material possessions are what matter to you. I think you've been in a difficult position for a very long time, just trying to keep the peace. I am reaching out in hopes that you’ll see you’re not alone in this. I’d be happy to share the lists of healing books, podcasts, and social media sites that have helped me on this healing journey.

Tara

Would this all fall on deaf ears, like every other plea we’ve made to the family to bring in outside help? For the sake of the new mother and her child, all I want is for them to heal. Is that too much to ask? I reach over and pat the top of Truman’s head as he jumps down off the loveseat.

Reflecting on my niece’s wedding last weekend, I'm filled with memories of pure joy. My entire family was there, surrounding the new couple with so much love. All week, our family text chain has been alive with laughter and shared pictures—a constant, joyful connection that has never existed in the DeYoung family.

That kind of effortless happiness is foreign to the DeYoungs. Instead, we have all played our parts for far too long, each of us playing the role that Susan carefully crafted for us.

I have a strong suspicion that Lauren, Monica's daughter-in-law, will be the one to expose the dysfunction in that family finally. I see it in the small things. At her wedding to Aidan, I was moved by her father's deeply emotional speech—a display of vulnerability the DeYoungs would never allow. I've also caught her side glances at Aidan during family functions, like the time she rolled her eyes when he fumbled with the proper wine glass etiquette. It’s clear to me that she was raised in an emotionally healthy family.

For now, I will keep my thoughts to myself. But I will hold so much hope for her and her child. May they never have to wear our masks.