When Will My Heart Beat Again..

"I hold my breath. I've been holding it everyday, for the last 5 months. Ever since the day you broke my heart into a million pieces. No big deal, I'm just slowly dying."

She wrote in her journal for the night. Then she lay in her bed, alone, yearning. She missed him. Somehow she hadn't cried since the breakup. Yet internally she was falling apart.

She carried on outwardly as if nothing was wrong. She went to work, watched the grandkids and even took herself to the movies. But if you truly looked, you'd see that she wasn't sleeping, eating properly, or thinking straight. Loops of that last conversation played over and over in her head. She wished there was a switch she could flip her thoughts to "off". But she couldn't.

Insomnia crept up on her. She tried so many nights to get some sleep, but the constant thoughts kept her wide awake. If she wasn't working she was in bed. Eventually her mattress wore in one spot and caused her to develop sciatica from a herniated disc. She lost all her energy and motivation to do anything. Her immobility from the back injury made it near impossible to be physically active. She gained weight and depression slowly sunk in. She emotionally ate and the junk food she consumed changed her skin and hair. She lost collagen and her face started to sag, aging her 10 years. One day she looked in the mirror and couldn't recognize herself.

Her every thought was him. She had to stop her obsession. One that was slowly eating her from the inside out. She wonders what he's doing, if he's found someone new, if he's thinking of her.

She checks her phone for his call or text nearly 24/7. She posts on her social media hoping he'd see and get curious or intrigued enough to reach out. She checks his social media for any new glimpse of him. She saves new photos he posts of himself.

She rereads their text messages at least twice a week. It's the only way she can feel close to him again. Why did he do this to her!! She's outraged one moment, sad the next. She wrote him a four page letter and left it on his truck windshield. No reply. She contemplated trying the "how to bring someone you want back to you" love spell she saw while scrolling on her phone.

"Is this normal?? Am I okay?? Should I be talking to someone, a professional??". Her mind is playing tricks on her. She has no one to talk to about her anguish. The last time she tried to talk to someone about how hurt she was, she was left feeling even more stupid than she already felt. She quickly learned not to open up again -to anyone. She keeps it all inside now. She feels like she's going crazy. If only she could see him again. If only she could feel him again.

He was tall, 6'3”. Golden brown skin over a well developed muscular body. Thick curly raven black hair. He looked like a version of Superman you'd see in a movie. And oh was he charming. He knew all the right words to say at the right moments. They were well suited for each other. Their chemistry simmered or boiled passionately. They missed each other deeply when they weren't together. They could talk for hours. He's younger than her, but the age difference didn't bother either of them one bit.

She couldn't understand why their relationship couldn't work. It was hot and cold. He had the ability to turn her world upside down. He had the ability to make or break her. His words and affection could build her up. She would be strong and confident. She would be soft, but with a spark that said “Yes, I'm loved and I'm in love”. But all of a sudden he would switch gears and change his mind. She would watch herself be devalued and ignored as he retreated like a scared boy. She would be left alone trying to figure out what happened. She would become cold, hardened, silent and withdrawn.

This wasn't the first breakup. Whirlwind romance followed by a brutal discard and no contact - the longest being 2 years. He's an avoidant, she is attached. Each episode leaves her a little.... less. She doesn't think she can go another 2 years this time. She fights the urge to reach out to him. The waiting game is infuriating. She wants him so badly. But the way he cruelly threw their love away had left her in a painfully vulnerable position. She thought herself a fool to still want him.

At some point she said enough is enough. She got up out of the bed and started exercising. It took her over a year to regain mobility after healing her sciatica. She started eating better, sleeping better. She made sure she was getting the vitamins and nutrients she needed through food or supplements. She slowly regained her physical strength and mental clarity. She posted positive affirmations around the house. She meditated for at least 1 hour a day. She regularly detoxed and went on fasts. She lost the 50 lbs she had gained. She finally started to feel like herself again.

She saw him a month ago in traffic. He was driving the opposite way and didn't see her. She saw him again 2 weeks ago, at the gas station. She got the distinct feeling that he had seen her first but didn't say anything. That night she drove past his house. As a matter of fact, she went by his house regularly. The feeling of being close in proximity to him was intoxicating.

The silence is so loud. She just wants it all to stop. She'd bought a gun. She gets the mail for the day. In the mail, there's an envelope. It's not addressed. Inside, the letter reads:

"Shaya, it's Terriq" ........................