Stutter am I ?

 " Ammi, I am scared is it ok?" early morning four, six hours before the seminar I was ready for what I thought was inevitable for my fate. I don't clearly remember when but my public humiliation started a fear of people in my mind and a chat with a stranger felt like a nuke was upon me, though my parents were always there for me still the gap in my heart was huge and I was unable to overcome a sudden unforeseen change which turned my life. I was always quite popular in school from an early age, I was good at studies all extracurricular activities and being the only boy from my maternal and paternal families I was brought up carefully, I hardly knew the outside world and maybe that could have been the seed for my xenophobia, though it felt boring my life was going good everyone around me loved me respected me and I was happy by heart but when I completed my primary school and entered my middle school life changed I started stammering.

I am shocked at myself why and how on Earth my vocals were breaking up when I tried to speak and as time went by, the inability of people around me who couldn't answer the questions of my situation lead me towards further demotivation I wasn't what I thought I was in early age rather I became something, 'pessimist' a word later which I found for my condition, I stopped looking at bright side but started concerning about the opinions of the people around me, how foolish I was to think that others would know me better than I would myself, alas by the grace of Allah if and only if I could set my life back right.

As I was wandering in my thoughts recalling my past, my mother a stong pillar by my side always boosting me up answered,

"Nusrath recall in all your coming life that never be scared of anything, BEING NERVOUS TELL YOUR SINCERITY TOWARDS THE WORK BUT BEING SCARED TELLS YOUR IMPOTENCE, I know that your sincere what you are facing is doubtfulness on your abilities and I am sure you will uncover your true self". Those words of my mother rang in my ear 4 hours before, my friends being considerate to me about my so-called stuttering problem, were kind enough to further demotivate my self-esteem by reducing my total slides in the seminar, I was shaken, on what the people of my opposite sex would have thought about this reducing my slides, my friends thought they were being kind to me but being in my condition they would have known that it's a hurt to pride, and it was no good than being humiliated on stage.

Unconsciously water was all I could see, tears were dripping from eyes I was pretty bad at hiding my emotions, I cried silently afraid to let the world see my tears, but I ain't a dead fish to flow with the stream I swim through it I gained all my broken courage and was prepared for it to give my best shot though it is few slides.

Time of Seminar

I have entered the room many times before this was the first time for me to feel all gloomy and cool around me I was at my peak of breakdown, various things were haunting my brain, what would my crush think about me? what if my friends look down at me? what if everyone laughs at me? all these thoughts were cowling around me. After the teacher entered all my classmates were seated, the order of teams to present their ppt was selected by chits our team was the third to present. though I was actively listening to others ppt it was still nervous, the thing which haunted me the most was my principal mam attending our seminar, for the most part, she always enters at the last, but still, I was praying god for that too.

The first two teams were done, our team got up on the stage our leader made introductions and the first slide to start was mine, rest all members got down the stage, mike was passed to me I took a steady breath and about the time I was uttering my words, our hall door opened and our principal mam though being quite old she was one of the strong-minded women I met in all my life, all of us wished her she saw me and gave a little smile and asked me to continue, at that sudden moment my brain burst out all its heat I felt kinda free I was at a position even if I fail it wouldn't matter me, I remembered my mother words took a deep breath and began. I had stuttered some but still, it was good I didn't give much thought about it nor did I gave thought above the people in the audience who were laughing at me all I gave was my best, and I passed my mike on our seminar was done and we were waiting for principal mam remarks and she started right saying " Mr. Nusrath why do you fear, you have a beautiful voice beautiful face don't, you have the knowledge you did well today." these are the exact remarks I heard from her, my mind went blank at this point I cared least about remarks and now I hear the most fearsome teacher of my life praising me I neither smiled nor was I in shock I was just blank. that day something changed in me I cared less about results and its remarks but started caring more about the presentation or work I am on to. I think the smile which my principal has given me gave an unconscious strength and confidence, but still, that day was one of my best in life which I would help me overcome any gloominess in my coming life.

THANK YOU