I am the Brain, Hear me Roar

"It's okay, Martin, you tried. You can't win them all, buddy."

Martin stared into the abyss as Silvio patted his back and left the changing room. Martin knew he had given his best shot, but somehow the opponent connected with that side hook to his jaw.

The complete silence in the room made his thoughts run wild.

He should have ducked the punch instead of blocking it with his forearm, which gave an opening for that side hook. Did Miranda see that livestream? Of course, she did. It was embarrassing to get knocked out by a guy shorter than you, especially when your girlfriend is watching.

Miranda hated Martin's career. She despised the dried blood she tasted from Martin's torn gum whenever they kissed. She never attended his bouts physically; she watched them only on the live stream because whenever Martin was punched or bleeding, she would just switch off the TV.

Buzzzzzzz Buzzzzzzz Buzzzzzzz Buzzzzzzz

The constant vibrations from his mobile snapped Martin out of his thoughts. Messages were pouring in, most of them with a reassuring 'don't worry' in them. Yet, all the 'Don't worry' texts weren't enough to save Martin from his thoughts.

After all, he had taken a lot of risks to enter this line of work. He dropped out of college to make boxing a full-time career against his parents' wishes. He still remembered his father's words.

"This is the most ridiculous crap I've ever heard you say, boy!"

Mr. Kiligan was a short man with a receding hairline. He always wore clothes that were one size bigger than his actual size, believing that if he gained weight, he could still wear them.

He always said, "It's better to be safe than sorry."

And now his own son was taking a huge risk by ditching education for a risky career path.

While in the other hand, Mrs.Kiligan secretly motivated Martin to pursue his dream, but she also hoped he would continue his studies. After all, would you let your child abandon education for a risky career choice?

"Hi, buddy," a voice softly entered the changing room, once again dispersing Martin's thoughts.

Martin let out a smile—a smile that hid sadness, but not enough to show his teeth, indicating, 'I am sad but I don't want to show it to others because it makes you feel weak.' And Martin had mastered that smile; he had learned well to hide his pain.

Jennifer sat beside Martin and touched his cheekbone, trailing the bruises.

"Ooooh, that's going to leave a mark, buddy. Are you alright?"

Martin nodded.

"Come on now, don't be like that; you kicked ass, buddy."

Jennifer started pitching unfair possibilities as to why Martin lost the fight, such as,

"I think the referee didn't give you enough time to recover. Do you think Lucas' team bribed him? I think Lucas took steroids; he kinda looked topsy."

Martin’s thoughts started to feel heavier as Jennifer continued to create more controversial theories of how one of her friends who knows a friend saw Lucas buying stuff from a shady alley.

Where were we again? Ah yes, the resistance of his parents.

So, let me ask you again, Would you allow your child to ditch education to pursue a risky career path?

Mr. Kiligan always avoided conflicts; the only violence Mr. Kiligan ever chose was to slam the door hard whenever he lost an argument or when Martin failed to listen to his reasons and advice, such as ditching college and joining Silvio's Boxing Gym.

Martin was 18 years old when he joined the Gym. Jennifer was the one who convinced Martin, as she had witnessed Martin's prowess when he knocked out the bullies who were trying to harass her. She was the first to spot the hidden boxing prodigy residing within Martin. It was Silvio who nurtured that potential, but he wasn't willing to call Martin a prodigy because Martin always lost concentration during sparring.

"LEFT, MARTIN! Duck left under his left swing!"

Martin always messed up the direction of the dodge because instead of focusing on the sparring session, he always thought about what kind of combos he should apply or how hard he should hit his sparring opponent. The moment Martin stepped out of the training ring, Silvio would grab Martin's shoulder and pull him closely.

"You've got to be more focused! Stop daydreaming in the ring, Martin, before you get hurt badly."

"Hello, Jennifer! Thanks for the directions! We would have gone in circles if you didn't text us the proper direction."

Once again, Martin's thoughts were dispersed.

GOD DAMN IT!

Martin snapped out of his thoughts again as he watched his parents enter the room. Mrs.Kiligan noticed the bruises on Martin's cheeks and jaw.

"Oh! sweetyyy," Mrs. Kiligan dragged the 'sweety' until she sat beside him. She gently touched the bruises on Martin's face. On the other hand, Mr.Kiligan looked around for a seat, but the bench only accommodated Jennifer and his wife, so he stood behind Martin and placed his hand on Martin's shoulder.

"What did the medical examiner say?" asked Mr. Kiligan.

Martin just kept quiet. Mr.Kiligan stared at Martin expecting a reply, as the silence grew longer, Jennifer intervened,

"Mr. Silvio just went to the office upstairs to collect the medical report, uncle; he should be back soon,"

"All this is because of that asshole," raged Mr. Kiligan.

Martin turned around gave an angry stare at his father and rolled his eyes, while Jennifer closed her lips tight.

"Don't you start now, mister! He is already hurt!" Mrs.Kiligan barked at her husband.

Mr. Kiligan believed that it was Silvio who brainwashed Martin to abandon his studies and pursue a career in boxing. However, Martin knew Silvio did not once ever ask him to stop his studies. Abandoning education was completely Martin's choice.

"Have you eaten, Martin?" Mr. Kiligan changed the subject, Not exactly a comforting word to a man who just got punched in the face, but it was the best Mr.Kiligan could think of at that time.

Again, Martin nodded silently, as he slowly slipped back into his thoughts.

What is he going to do now? He just lost his winning streak to a guy with a smaller reach than him, yet he knocked him out. Martin would rather throw himself off a 25-foot building than watch his career fail, not because he lost his dream, but because he'd rather embrace the gravitational force than listen to Mr. Kiligan to say, "Told you."

"You got him good, son. A few more punches and he would have gone down too."

Mr. Kiligan's words shocked Martin so much that it pulled him out of his thoughts.

STOP INTERFERING!

Four continuous streaks of victory, and all he got from his father was a congrats. But now he lost a fight, and his father was praising him. Jennifer realised Mr.Kiligan is placing tremendous effort to console his son,

"Let me go find Mr.Silvio Mr.Kiligan,"

Jennifer smartly excused herself from the room so that Mr.Kiligan could take her spot. Mr.Kiligan gave a nod filled with gratitude and sat beside his son, He saw the duffle bag Martin always carried around filled with all kinds of apparel. Mr. Kiligan grabbed the bloodied gloves from the bag and wore them.

"Wow, they're heavy, how much do they weigh?"

Martin let out a small smile,

"12oz pa"

Watching Martin smile, Mrs. Kiligan placed her hands over his shoulder and rested Martin's head on her chest. The Kiligan family remained silent for a while, as Martin embraced his mother's warmth.

Suddenly, Mrs. Kiligan heard some muffled sniffles from Martin. She lifted Martin's head up, and watched his eyes fill with tears.

" Oh sweety, please don't feel bad; you did good."

Mr. Kiligan inched closer and held Martin's hand while wearing the gloves.

"Let him be, honey; it's okay, let it all out, son."

Hearing his father's words, Martin started tearing up more, Martin willingly let his guard down for the first time in his life.

Martin was never good in his studies; he failed most of his subjects. Math was the only subject he performed well in, but never once did Martin feel bad for having poor academic records. He just always said he tried his best. But now, in that changing room, seeing his son crying for the first time, Mr. Kiligan knew Martin had given his best.

"Those bruises will be healed back with stronger skin son, God may have not blessed you with a victory in this fight son, but he built us in a way that we can always heal back, all we had to do is let him heal us, fight back and get back up. Like a salmon that swims.... "

Mr.Kiligan comforting words and Mrs.Kiligan embracing warmth enabled Martin to feel at ease, but again his thoughts of the future started creeping up on him,

Finally! Let's continue where we left off in Martin's thoughts.

So, he just lost his fight. Even though he signed a contract with the boxing federation, he only got paid for the matches he participated in. The organizer, Mr.Solomon thought it would be a good show for the audience if a veteran fighter like Lucas gets defeated by a teenager. With Martin's defeat, Mr.Solomon must have completely lost faith in him, even if his father is on his side now, Martin is devastated knowing that taking up a boxing career is going to be a wrong decision.

Jennifer slammed open the door.

WHAT NOW!??

Jennifer was holding a file. Martin once again snapped out of his thoughts and stared at Jennifer. Jennifer surveyed the surroundings as she noticed the small scene she had caused.

"Sorry, erm... Martin, the examiner wanted to see you; can you follow me?"

The whole Kiligan family stood up.

"No, he only wanted to see Martin, and I don't think we all will fit in the room. Don't worry, Aunty, we'll be back soon; he just wanted to instruct him on how to take his medications and Mr. Silvio went to the pharmacy to pick them up."

"Oh, okay, sweety, remind me to thank Silvio later. We'll meet you at the car park, both of you go ahead and get the report, and we will pack the duffle bag for him."

"Sure, Aunty; Martin, please follow me."

Martin released himself from his mother's grasp, wiped his tears, and left the room.

As Martin and Jennifer took a few steps away from the room, Jennifer pushed Martin against the wall.

"Asshole!"

Martin stood confused.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Martin still didn't know what she was yelling about. Jennifer noticed Martin's blank expression. She took out a paper from the file; it was his medical report.

"Explain this!" she pointed out a medical condition in the paper:

 -MEDICAL HISTORY: SEVERE ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER (ICD-11 ADHD)-

Martin face changed as Jennifer placed the report right at his face.

"I have ADHD so?"

Martin said it so casually, hoping to portray it as if it was not serious, but he didn't know Jennifer already searched the internet for what the code ICD-11 meant,

"Dude! You don't just have ADHD; you have severe ADHD!"

Martin realized his ruse failed, he grabbed the paper from her hands,

"You keep your mouth shut about it! No one can know about this Jenny!"

Martin tried a different approach by being assertive, but again it didn't work on Jennifer.

"What? How bad is it Martin? Since how long have you known about this?"

"Since high school; only Mom knows. During a parent meeting session, one of the teachers suspected it and asked me to seek a diagnosis; she turned out to be right."

"Wait, what? Mr. Kiligan doesn't know about this?"

"I forced Mom not to tell; anyway, at that time, it wasn't so bad."

"What do you mean it wasn't so bad then? How bad is it now?"

Martin stared away from meeting Jennifer's eyes, he could no longer hide his pain,

"Very."

"How bad, Martin?" Jennifer continued with her persistence to find out how severe the condition was.

"It got bad in high school, okay! I can't pay attention; I see a picture of Egypt in a history lesson, and my brain will start taking me to its wonderland and fill it with Pharaohs and pyramids. As I grew more mature, the thoughts' intensity grew along with it. I got more restless, and confused, and kept getting punished for not focusing in class. I'm tired of standing outside the class, Jennifer!"

Martin's eyes started to fill with tears; it created a chain reaction as Jennifer started to tear up as well.

"Why didn't you seek help, Martin?"

"I did, Jennifer."

Martin stared at the boxing ring in the middle of the building.

"Boxing is the treatment, Jennifer; the training honed my discipline. I was able to keep myself occupied. I'd rather get punched in the face than be a prisoner of my own mind. You have no idea, how much I had to endure in college."

"You could have told the school."

"And what? Get ridiculed by other students? Anyway, what's the point of being in school when I keep losing myself in my thoughts fifteen times before I can finish reading a paragraph?"

Jennifer just stood there, and memories of the times she thought Martin was an asshole started playing in her mind, Jennifer will rant about life problems but Martin will just stare into the sky. Sometimes she felt like Martin took her for granted, But now all made sense. Even with his condition, Martin was always there for her.

"So is it better now?"

Martin pondered over the question, When Martin started boxing, the extensive training made him occupied most of the time, with little time for his thoughts, they became quieter, not gone, but quieter, But when Lucas knocked out Martin, the dam that Martin build over the year that kept his thoughts on check broke.

Martin broke down, he leaned his head on Jennifer shoulder, and started tearing,

"It's so hard, Jenny; I'm very tired, the loud noises are coming back. I just feel like ending it Jenny."

Jennifer pushed Martin away from her and slapped Martin in the face.

“So you are giving up? Alright, I will just let your parents who are waiting for you at the car park know that their son is a little bitch and he chose to end himself because he cant take control of his brain. The fight isn't over Martin, your fight with Lucas isnt the real fight.... "

As Jennifer talked about Lucas,

Martin stared at the ring, reliving the moment Lucas connected that left hook, How Martin could have dodged the punch…

Jennifer noticed Martin once again staring into the abyss as she was talking.

Jennifer slapped Martin.

OUCH!

Jennifer slapped him again.

OUCH! LADY CALM DOWN!

"Martin, focus!"

“Ouch that hurts”

"Then focus; You are not alone Martin, Your strength isn't that boxing gloves but the trust you placed in yourself. It was your instincts and reflexes that made you excel in the ring, how is your thought any different. I know, you can't control them, but you can make peace with it, but you do not have to do it alone Martin."

As BITCH Jennifer was giving him advice, Martin knew his brain was too powerful to stop this narration, deep down he know others can't feel what he is going through.

"BE QUIET!"

Martin screamed internally, though not a whisper escaped his lips. Until now, he had drowned out his restless mind with blaring music or by resorting to physical aggression. But for the first time ever, he directly faced the chaos within his own brain.

How dare you yell at me! I am the master of your thoughts, boy. I can loosen a wire and make you go craz—

"SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP."

Every time his thoughts got loud; Martin's inner voice got louder. Martin finally found a voice that could overpower his thoughts, However, this particular voice isn't alien to him. Martin recognized the voice, it was the voice that guided him to dodge in his fights, it was the voice that asked him to tear up when Martin was in the comfort of his parents and it was the same voice that asked him to hug Jenny tightly. If Martin could ever give a sound to his voice, it would be,

"Hey! Did you just lose yourself again?" yelled Jennifer.

"No, I just found something, Jenny."

Martin hugged her tightly. Jennifer didn't know what just happened to Martin, but she found tranquility in Martin's voice. It was complete silence in Martin's head, as he could finally enjoy a human's touch without slipping back into his thoughts.

They kept the hug going for a few minutes before Jenny broke the hug.

"SHIT! Forgot to tell you, Miranda just texted me; she got stuck in a traffic jam, so she'll just meet us in the diner."

Jennifer and Martin left the stadium and headed towards the car park.

As they approached the family car, Mr. Kiligan volunteered to drive and asked Martin to sit beside him. Jennifer and Mrs. Kiligan sat behind.

Martin took out his phone from his duffle bag and saw a couple of missed calls from Miranda. He dialed her number.

***Ring***

"Finally! Sorry, were you busy? Saw the match; you were fierce. Don't worry about losing, okay? That punk Lucas is probably on steroids or something. Jennifer said one of her friends saw him buying drugs."

Martin smiled, this time the whole teeth were visible. He giggled.

"Hey, why are you laughing?"

"Nothing. See you at the diner baby."

"See ya!"

Neither did Martin nor Miranda hung up the call, they were hoping someone will say something,

"You still there baby?" Martin broke the silence.

Martin could hear muffled sniffles from Miranda's end.

"Baby, are you okay? Are you in pain?"

Martin looked around the car and saw the faces of his loved ones.

Martin started to feel his thoughts instead of giving in to them, he remembered the warmth of his mother, he remembered the concerned tone of his father, he remembered the hug Jennifer and he shared, and he felt the love everyone he knew had for him. Martin knew this was far from over, he could still feel other unnecessary thoughts that were surging in his brain, yet finally, he could resist them. Martin realized that, all this while he thought he hiding the pain and fighting alone, but all he did was endorse the thoughts to enslave him. Now he knows how to dodge that left swing.



"I was in pain, baby, not anymore."