Me, Myself, and I Go to an Interview

Ok, breathe in. Hold. HOLD. HOLD! Now, breathe out. You are going to be ok. You got this, Anthony.

Do you really think you have a chance? You don't even look the part. Look around you; everyone here is so calm and collected. They have their act together. Just look at their suits. Not one wrinkle!

I knew I should have ironed my suit. That's what happens when you suck at time management. Hopefully, it's not that noticeable. 

It's noticeable. It doesn't help that your suit is too tight. You can't even button the jacket because of your belly. You are a fat slob!

Shut up!

Hey, I'm just saying what we all know to be true. One look at you, and they will know you don't belong here.

The fact that they are meeting me is a sign that I do, in fact, belong here.

And this is the first interview after how many applications? It's a fluke, and they will quickly figure out that your resume is weak.

Not true! Once they get to know me, I will show them that I am competent and have good ideas.

If they got to know you, they would realize you are an idiot who stumbled their way into life. You are a fraud.

Anthony Andres, the recruiter, is ready for you.

Thank you!

Was my voice too high-pitched? Did I sound too upbeat? Was I nice enough to the receptionist?

It doesn't matter, as you will fail the interview anyway.

Calm down, Anthony. Pretend you're rubbing an invisible coin. Now breathe.

Oh my gosh! You are already sweating just by walking into the room. Is it because you are out of shape or because you are scared?

It's just hot. I knew it was a bad idea to wear a full suit. A vest with a bowtie would have been nice.

Nerd. No one would have taken you seriously. I mean, they already don't take you seriously, so don't give them more reasons.

Hello, Mr. AND-Dress.

He mispronounced my name. Should I correct him?

It won't matter because you are not getting the job and will never see him again.

It's a matter of principle. Maybe it's a test, and the recruiter wants to see if I can stand up for myself. Or it was a simple mistake; he feels terrible about it, and I don't want to make him feel worse. I definitely don't want to come across as rude.

Oh no! How long has he been holding his hand out for a handshake? It's definitely too late to correct… what was his name? I was too distracted to catch his name. Did he even say his name?

The handshake! Shake his damn hand, you socially inept idiot.

Was my grip too weak? Hope my palms weren't too clammy. I think I screwed up the handshake.

You are pathetic. If you fall apart trying to shake someone’s hand, then there is no way you can lead a team.

So Mr. AND-Dress —

Oh, this is going to be a recurring problem. I need to nip it in the bud right now.

It's, um, Uhn-dres.

I didn't quite catch that. What did you say?

Nothing! What were you going to say?

Smooth.

I need to be more confident and not mumble. Keep rubbing the invisible coin.

Thank you for meeting with me today. As you noticed, we have a lot of potential candidates interested in the position. We have several questions, and please keep your answers short and simple. We were only allotted 15 minutes per interview. Do you have any questions so far?

Should I ask for his name? It might be too late for that.

No, sir.

Way too formal! You're applying to be his equal, not assistant. 

You talk like you know you're not good enough for this job.

Great! First question: What got you interested in working at the company?

Well, I, um, always admired the work that you do here. I believe my values are aligned with the company's values. I also believe in the organization's mission and look for places where I can use my strengths for a purpose I believe in.

That was a whole lot of nothing.

I should have stated the company's mission verbatim. That would have shown initiative. Or would that have been creepy? I didn't give any examples either. For the next question, I will provide clear examples.

What are some of your strengths?

Well, let's see. I am really good at listening and discovering people's motivations. That, um, helps them feel seen, which leads to, um, higher levels of engagement and productivity. So, er, emotional intelligence is another one. I, um, have strong communication skills, as I am, er, good at, um, breaking down complex concepts and ideas into ways people can understand.

Why is it so hard to think of what I am good at? Am I forgetting any strengths?

I'm good at decision-making, too!

I hope my answer didn't sound arrogant.

That sounded desperate. And it's obvious you lied. You said you were good at communication but added more filler words than a sixth grader trying to hit the word count.

And what are some of your weaknesses?

We will need the rest of the alloted time to answer that question. Your lack of confidence is a big one. Your ADHD makes it impossible to stay focused, which is another problem.

Well, —

Stop saying well! I’ve started every answer with "well."

Well, —

Oh, sweet heavens. Get yourself together. Pause. Good, now answer.

One of my weaknesses is that I am an overthinker. I love collecting information and data to make the best decision possible. However, I can get lost in the details and end up procrastinating when making a call.

What am I doing? That is too much truth. Procrastination is not a trait of a functioning member of society.

You can never finish anything. No wonder you will never amount to anything.

Shut up! What-is-his face is smiling. He didn't seem to be bothered by the answer. Gosh, now it's going to bother me. What is his name?

Samuel? No. Brian, maybe? Matthew! No, that's not right.

I also struggle with time management. I take on a lot of projects, and I need help prioritizing them.

That answer didn't even make sense! If you keep talking, you will show how little you know.

I feel like it starts with the letter M. Micah?

Got it. Moving on. When complex problems arise, how do you embody our creative philosophy of thinking outside the box?

I, er, look past the initial issues to discover the, um, root of the problem.

Manny? Definitely not Michael.

Could you give an example?

Oh, yes. I'm sorry.

Apologizing shows how weak you are.

We were struggling to recruit volunteers. While others had ideas to promote opportunities and needs, I, um, spent weeks analyzing where people stopped in the, er, process. I then, um, created new automated systems to fix the issues.

So vague. Where are the metrics? Your terrible memory is one of the reasons you're not going to get any job.

That's great. Tell me, how have you measured —

Marcus! That's it. His name is Marcus Wells. It was in the email. That's right!

You just did a small fist bump in celebration. It was awkward. You're embarrassing yourself.

Ok, let me fold my hands on the table. Is that the best thing to do with my hands? Maybe I should stroke my goatee to look like I'm thinking.

Of course, you have to pretend to be thinking!

Shut up. I want to convey confidence. Oh gosh, I've been tapping on the table. I hope that doesn't convey nervousness. I wonder what the recruiter thinks about me rubbing my thumb on my index finger. Should I tell Marcus it's a self-soothing technique called "rubbing the invisible coin."

Yeah, tell the recruiter the interview is stressing you out, and you need to be soothed like a wittle baby.

Ok, hands on my lap so he can't see what you are doing. Now smile.

But not too big. We wouldn't want the recruiter to see your stained, crooked teeth.

Good point. Wait, why is Marcus staring at us?

Um, I'm sorry —

Stop apologizing!

I mean, excuse me. Could you please repeat the question?

Sure. How have you measured KPIs in a way that allowed you to determine when to pivot in your strategy that led to higher ROIs?

That question gives me a headache. Can't my last answer apply to this question?

Told you that you don't belong in this world. The others in the waiting room would have no problem answering this question.

I know I put something about this question on my resume. Think, brain! What did I write?

To build off, um, no, I, er, I created a cultural survey form to, er, figure out areas of growth —

Please stop right there. Could you repeat what you just said? I was having a hard time making out what you were saying.

I knew my thick accent would get in the way. It's so hard to understand me. It doesn't help that I have a few speech impediments. It's so embarrassing.

It also didn't help that your answer sucked.

Deep breathe in and deep breathe out. 

I created a cultural survey form to determine our company's strengths and weaknesses. The results were surprising, and we changed our meeting structure to improve engagement. The result led to fewer meetings with more intentional agendas, and productivity grew by… I can't remember off the top of my head. I'm sorry.

Stop saying I'm sorry! Jeez. I really hope that response makes sense.

I hope that made sense.

Why did I say that out loud? There goes my aura of confidence.

You never had it.

It does. Next question. Talk about a time when you had to provide feedback to key shareholders that leveraged your experience in a way that resulted in you selling your idea.

I have never worked with key shareholders. I don't know how to answer this question. Why am I staring at the wall? I need to look at Marcus. How long have I not been looking at Marcus? How long was I looking all around the room like a weirdo? I thought I had kept my ADHD in check. I need to act like an adult and focus.

Just tell them this was a mistake and put us out of our misery. You are not made for professional life.

No! I got this. Just keep breathing.

When I presented the, um, results of the cultural survey, I got a lot of pushback from the, er, key shareholders.

Why did Marcus put away his pen? That is not a good sign.

So I created a PowerPoint to present the, um, data in an engaging way, and through the power of storytelling, I won them over.

Ok, yeah, that was a garbage answer. 

That was the last question. Any questions for us, Mr. AND-Dress?

Oh, I spent hours thinking of the right question. Why is my brain blank? Stupid, broken brain!

It's not like the last question will magically fix the trainwreck of this interview.

Nope.

Well then, this concludes our interview.

That can't be it. Only six minutes have passed out of the allotted 15.

I may have been too brief in my responses. Can I add more?

No, we got everything we need. Thank you for coming. Someone will contact you in the next week or two about our decision. Um, yeah. Have a good day.

I didn't get the job. I just know it.

Of course, you didn't get the job. You are a fraud, and it's evident to everyone. You can never do anything right. You have peaked in your career.

Yeah, you're right. I was really hoping this interview would validate my talents and skills. It would be nice to be needed. I wish I were good enough to be needed.

I think that this interview is a good reminder that you will never be good enough.