Good for me

Today’s the day I change.

I’m not going to look in the mirror, and get mad because of the way i look. i’m not going to look at myself and think of how different and better i might be if i had a different this or a different that. I’m not going to look at other girls and wish that i would look like them and act like them. my head hurts and my heart aches with this constant war going on in my brain. the little remarks and the looks people give. they are all little signs.

every time we were in public, i looked at all the girls and wondered what i can do to make myself like them. to make my self prettier. to make myself better. was it makeup? was it hair? was it how i dressed? or was it just me? maybe it was my boring personality that people hate… maybe i’m not funny enough. i’m always quiet because i think my jokes are annoying. they’re not even jokes by the way! they’re just things i say that i think people might laugh at. they never do. and i appear annoying. i don’t just appear annoying, i am annoying.

i might not be the girl you see in public and remember for the rest of your life because i’m so perfect. i’m not perfect. i know that. and i don’t have the prettiest hair that looks beautiful right when i wake up. i have the hair that need to be styled 456983 times before i get it just the way i like. i don’t have the perfect jawline. i have one, but it’s not really visible. like ever. and i don’t have the perfect height. people call me “the giraffe” i’m really tall for a girl at this age i suppose. i used to care when people called me that. i used to think about those words 24/7 and even searched up ‘ways to get shorter’. I let people words affect me.

the boy that i loved so much broke my heart every day by making me think that we are best friends and then completely ignoring me. why was he like this. why was i like this?

And something that made my days even worse, was that i got bullied. A lot.

this group of girls always made fun of me for every single thing i did. they threw food at me. rocks at me. tripped me, and posted videos about it.

they spread horrible rumors about me and made me lose all my friends.

i was so broken and hurt.

at school when i sat in class, i always covered my neck so that my double chin wouldn’t be noticed when i swallowed. i didn’t move in class because i didn’t wanna cause any more unneeded attention to myself.

Every single day i came back from school i locked myself in my room and acted all miserable. my mom started getting suspicious, but whenever she asked what was wrong, i just replied with, “i’m tired”

i was tired, so it technically wasn’t a lie.

one day though, it all changed.

i was in the kitchen, helping my mom and something made me mad.

i think it was because i accidentally broke a cup, right when my sister came up and started telling me something that i had 0 interest in, and at the same time my phone rang, as my dad comes in to tell me that he needs help outside.

and at that moment, i had just about it.

i was wiping the table and i just fell into the seat and started sobbing. i continued sobbing and crying my heart out.

all these weeks of keeping it all in we’re showing themselves in this form. my head was throbbing, my muscles were aching, and my heart was broken.

why am i not good enough for him? why do i have to be the one getting picked on? why me? why can’t i be perfect!? why can’t i have the perfect side profile and the perfect height? why do i have to go through this while all my peers are having the time of their life?

i hate me.

i hate how i am and how i was born.

people say “just be yourself!”

but i don’t want to be myself. i hate myself.

i hate every single little thing about me.

i hate the way that my smile has little crinkles in my cheeks when i smile that people call cute dimples. they’re not cute. they’re ugly.

i hate the way that i get excited over the smallest things. i hate the way i laugh over almost every single joke people make. i hate the way that i trust people so easily and make myself think that i’m their favorite person. i’m not! i’m just there! they only hang out with me when their friends aren’t there. i’m a side person. the one that’s just there in the crowd. blending.

and all these little things. i hate.

for 2 hours i poured my heart out to my parents. they were so supportive it made me cry even more. i hated myself, and i hated life. i also hated the mirror because it reflected me. and i hate me.

2 weeks later.

i smiled as i walked down the halls. my mood was happier than usual. and as i saw the girl i used to be so jealous of, i smiled and kept on walking.

my jealousy was gone.

and i felt prettier than ever.

i worked on myself and people were more attracted to me.

every day i got more and more friends. and i was genuinely funny.

this boy that used to just be my best friend, because more than just a friend and things were going great. i was happy about life. and i was excited about every day.

i was excited about life and i was happy of who i became.

and the day i wanted to change, happened.

and im so happy it did.

because the thing that everyone should realize, is that the key to happiness is about being happy for yourself and being happy by yourself.

-true story-

the end !