Plan B

This story contains sensitive material about the loss of a child.

The world completely stopped, everything was spinning. I was finally where I wanted to be in life. I couldn't even begin to

comprehend what I have done to deserve this. Everything was going through my head. I was a good kid for my parents, never got in much trouble. I went to college, was good there too. I mean I had some questionable nights but nothing crazy. I graduated and started my career first like everyone told me. I'm independent and a good person. It took me forever to find my Prince Charming, who sat across from me just staring at me waiting for me to speak. Was it too much to ask for it all? Was it too much to want to be happy? "Sweetie, you're scaring me. Please say something," Nick spoke softly from across the table. I still couldn't speak. He stood and rounded the table to kneel next to where I was sitting. Placing his left hand on top of mine and his right hand guided my face to look at his. Nick stared into my eyes "Natalie everything is going to work out, do you trust me?" All I could do was shake my head yes while one tear slowly ran down my face. We both stood and walked out of the doctors office saying nothing. For the next two weeks, there was only a few seconds every morning when I woke up that I didn't remember my new reality, then it would all come flooding back. Nick and I still haven't really even spoken about it yet. I don't think it has all sunk in for me. I can tell Nick is trying his best to pretend everything is ok, meanwhile I'm over here figuring ways to have a car hit me or fall off a bridge. Alright, maybe not that bad but it feels that bad. Today has been like the rest. Nick woke up early, went to the gym and then went to work, I on the other hand haven't been to work since that day. I wake up with the intention that it will be the day I go back to being me before the news but then I let it swallow me whole again. Moving becomes unbearable. Days become nights and nights become mornings. Nick doesn't even kiss me goodbye anymore. I don't even know how many days I've been in these pajamas. As I lay in bed staring at the ceiling and shaking my head, telling myself "get up. Get up. Natalie, you have to get up today." If I keep telling myself over and over maybe I'll do it. I sat up in the bed, looked around the room and noticed nothing was different, everything in our bedroom stayed the same. The only thing that has changed was me. I can do this, I told myself as I took the blanket off and swung my legs off the bed. My bare feet hit the cold wood floor and it sent a shiver through me. I stood up and walked into the bathroom, I stared into the mirror and had no idea who this person was staring back at me. Today needs to be different, I have to make a change. I showered and got dressed and headed down stairs. It was quiet, almost too quiet. I walked through the house and gathered my stuff. I couldn't tell you the last time I had my cell phone. Where in the world could it be? Walking into the kitchen I see a note on the coffee pot, morning or good afternoon Hun, it's all ready for you just hit start. I hope today you make it downstairs to read this. I love you and it will get better. Love your husband. As I read the note I wondered when he actually wrote it? How many days has it been taped on the coffee pot with my mug and spoon next to it? As I stared at the coffee pot, I gazed to the right and there was my cell phone. I grabbed it and threw it in my purse. Grabbed my keys that hung by the back door and headed for the driveway. After pulling half way down the street I realized I had no idea where I was going but I knew I wouldn't stop until I got there. I blasted music and drove for hours. Charleston, South Carolina was far behind me. I'm not sure how long I was driving or even what direction I was driving till I saw a sign, Welcome to Savannah.

              It's funny how quickly life can change. How quickly you can be on a path filled with happiness and hope for what's to come then life throws you a curveball. One that you couldn't step off of home plate to avoid. Honestly, you didn't even see it coming. It hits and it hurts. Well that's exactly how it happened for me. Life was amazing, the future was bright. My job was my dream job, I was finally working for the top interior design company in Charleston. My husband Nick was working for his father's law firm. We just purchased our first home and we were expecting our first child. Nine months seemed like an eternity but at the same time not long enough for the list of things to get done. Everyone told me it would go fast, but to blink and have it be over, I wasn't ready for that. I pulled into the hotel parking lot and parked the car. I headed for the lobby when my cell phone started to ring, pulling it from my bag. I saw Nick's picture showing on my screen. I can't do this right now. I hit the lock button. Pulling the door open, I walked into the lobby and up to the front desk. "Hello Mam' how can I help you today?" She smiled, she seemed happy. Fuck her, I thought to myself. I politely smiled back, "Do you have any rooms available?" "Yes, how long do you plan on staying with us?" "I'm not sure." "Alright, we have a king suite, overlooking the pool. Will that do?" I shook my head, yes. "Ok, we will just need a major credit card to have on file and then I can get you your keys and have someone grab your bags." I handed her my card and she handed me my keys. "Room 624, the elevators are off to the right. Do you want someone to help with your bags?" "No, I'm fine. Thank you." Walking to the elevator, I pushed the button and the doors opened. Stepping inside, I waited for the doors to close. I stared at the number on the small envelope that held the keys. 624. What a sick joke, I thought. Getting into my room, I walked straight to the curtains to close them. The sunlight reflecting off the pool caught my eye, I saw a family laughing and playing in the pool. I smiled and for a brief moment, I forgot I'll never have that. 

              I finally had to turn my cell phone off because Nick, my parents and his parents kept calling. I know I should let them know I’m alright. Let my husband know where I am. I’m just not ready. I need time. I need space. I need to grieve. I need to learn how to move on. I have to learn how to keep living without reminding myself to breathe. 

             I read somewhere that it may help to write down your thoughts in a journal, or in the form of a letter. I’m willing to try anything. 

To my sweet, angel baby, 

           You came into my life at a time I wasn’t sure was the right one but I quickly realized no time would have been the right time. I was scared, I was happy, mostly excited for this new chapter. This new chapter with you. You made me want to be a better person, you made him want to be a better person. We wanted to be better for you. I wanted you to be proud to call me Momma. Now none of that seems to matter. The day is slowly approaching when you would have been here. The day where I would get to hold you, kiss you, and see whose nose you would have. If you were lucky enough to get your father’s piercing blue eyes or my blonde hair. My questions will never have answers. I’ll never know you. The only peace I have is knowing you’re the only one who got to see into my heart from the inside. You knew how strong my love for you was. 

       As that day gets closer, my airway gets tighter. The world seems darker with each passing day. June 24th. Every year, that will be the darkest day. It’s funny how much you can love something, no someone, you have never met. I did though, I loved you more than anything in this world. Now, I can’t remember life before you. I may have only carried you for a moment, but I promise you will be loved for a lifetime. You were this amazing spirit, who blew into my life and turned it upside down. I promise I will be ok. I’ll do it for you. It’s time for me to figure out who I am now without you. I will hold you in my heart until I can hold you in heaven. 

                                                       Till we meet, sweet angel. 

                                                                 Your Momma