Life Goes On

The two of them did their best, on-demand smiles, and stared directly into the screen of the camera, as Joel held his phone away from their faces, and pointed the screen at them both. Even though, like all selfies, there was something artificial about it, you could see tangibly the connection between the two of them, comfortable to be in each other’s personal space. It was evident in the photo that the two of them were on a boat of some kind in the sparkling city harbour, the imposing figure of the harbour bridge visible between the two of them.

Joel had always had a soft spot for the city. It had been his idea to go early Saturday with Candice and visit some of his favourite places there, as well as catch a ferry, which was not a necessity to travel anywhere. It was enough that he loved the harbour, loved being out on the water, and didn’t mind catching another ferry right back to where they had come from, making for a short round trip.

Candice had said she would bring some food, and sure enough, perfect, white bread, egg sandwiches and a thermos of tea were brought, packed away into a leather shoulder bag. Joel had not needed to bring anything, which suited him well, as there was every chance he would take home some paperbacks from the bookstore he liked, to read and eventually fill his bookshelf. As it turned out, they did stop at the bookstore after leaving the city gallery, leaving with 3 new titles for his collection. He wondered if there was time enough to read them.

The two of them were good friends. There had been a time when she had been prepared to see him as something more than a friend, but Joel had convinced her that he was not the right person to build a relationship with. He suffered from treatment resistant schizophrenia, manifested in voices which he heard nearly all the time. He had gone through multiple episodes in the past before he had learned to better understand his condition. In each one he had followed the commands of the audible apparitions and had got himself into legal trouble. It had taken 3 similar incidents before he was firmly able to resist the voices. Every time, he had been told to damage to someone’s property, probably because his voices seemed determined to send him to jail, but fortunately the courts had ruled it as being a result of his mental health challenges, and not something he was liable for.

Nevertheless, he was always wary of submitting to his voices, and had been left with a lingering fear of losing control of himself. Yet on a day like this, going out with his best friend to one of his favourite places, he could not help but forget his problems, caught up in the simple pleasure of being in the bustling and lively city space, melting into the crowds and feeling like you belonged there. There was also another reason he had arranged the meeting, but he had decided he would not say anything about it until the end of the day, which had been on their ferry trip.

They had gone to the city park to enjoy the food Candice had brought, sitting in the shade of trees near one of the fountains. While they chatted and ate their food, Joel had felt himself step outside of himself and look at the situation as an observer might, wondering once again, had he really made the right choice with Candice? He had only stayed ‘just friends’ with her because he did not trust himself to be a good partner. His mental condition had robbed him of his confidence. The entities living inside his head, responded to all his thoughts as if they were spoken out loud. It made even the most nondescript day difficult. He had never been so aware of how stupid or obscene his thoughts could be, until he had to deal with commentary on every single one of them. Now a good day was a day where he barely thought at all, denying the voices fuel for their utterances.

Before they knew it, the photo had been taken, and they were once again focused on each other, as the ferry made back for the docks in the city harbour.

’I’m so glad you organized this, Joel.’ Said Candice enthusiastically. She was standing with him at the side of the ferry facing the harbour bridge.

‘We hadn’t done anything in a while, so I thought maybe we could do a day in the city like we used to.’ Replied Joel.

‘Yeah, we used to do this all the time. What happened?’

‘I think it took time adjusting to my condition. It only started 3 years ago. I don’t know how it only manifested so late in my life, usually schizophrenia shows up in someone’s late teenage years, where as I didn’t get it until I was 28.’

Candice said nothing, though her face steeled a little bit. He wondered what she was thinking.

He spoke gently. ‘So, how’s it going finding Mr. right? Any sign of him yet?’

Her expression softened a little, and she shrugged delicately. ‘No sign of him yet. There’s still time I guess, I’m not 40 yet. I mean even if I was 40, that’s not too late. But it definitely gets harder the older you are.’

He thought for a while before speaking, deciding to just say what he was thinking and never mind the consequences. ’I’m sorry I couldn’t be the guy you’re looking for. Days like this in your company, I am reminded painfully of what I missed out on. You’re a lovely person Candice, and you deserve someone stable and mature. Someone who would make a good father.’

She was silent for a while, before eventually speaking. ‘That’s right, I told you I wanted to have a baby… I think a lot of guys these days are hoping for the relationship to stay just the two of them. But I can’t help it. Maybe it’s biology, I don’t know, but I’ve always wanted to bring someone into the world. But like you said, that wasn’t your reason. It was- ‘

‘- Yeah, it’s the condition. Honestly, once it really set in, I stopped looking after myself. It was enough just to go from one day to the next without having a really embarrassing intrusive thought, or to feel threatened by my voices. Not that I really feel threatened by them anymore, I guess something had to get better over time. But yeah, in not looking after myself, that’s where I let things slide too much. I’ve now got to deal with something new.’

She turned and faced him with a look of concern. ‘Oh no. What’s happened Joel?’

He ran a hand through his hair before replying. ‘There was a red spot on my face that I thought needed checking out, but I just let it go. I was too busy trying to manage the schizophrenia to care about the long term. And now well… I have skin cancer.’

‘Skin cancer?’ She exclaimed. ‘Oh Joel, how could you let this happen? How long have you known about this?’

‘It’s been 2 months since I got the diagnosis. It’s a melanoma, and its already gotten into the bloodstream. I’m sorry Candice. I guess I stopped caring at some point. But being out here with you on a day like this, it makes me think how much I’ll miss you if I have to go.’

She clutched the handrails on the side of the boat tighter, but said nothing. He too felt there was nothing to say. A breeze came from over the murky waters, cooling and refreshing them, and the afternoon sun shone its golden rays across the harbour.

Her voice came with an edge of pain to it. ‘Joel, you should have given it a try. You think I can’t handle your condition? I was sorry too when this happened to you, but I know I could have helped you through it. And now… how long do you have?’

‘3 month’s maximum.’ Was his reply.

‘That’s not very long… what are you going to do?’

He grasped the rails again. ‘I don’t know. Maybe get back to going regularly to church. Maybe try and reconcile with my brother.’

Silence began to fill the space between them. He found himself wondering again if he had made the right decision. Perhaps he would have taken better care of himself if he had been in a relationship, or maybe it would have been enough just to have had a year or so of happiness.

He took his phone out of his pocket and brought up the photo they had just taken.

She looked at him. ‘Well, I think there is still time for us. We can still be a couple. There's not much time but there's enough.’

Was it too late he wondered? Perhaps it was just a matter of accepting that things would not be, could not be perfect. Looking at the photo, he considered what to say next. Here was a record of a good day, a day that he would do all over again if he could. Maybe there would be more photos of more days like this if he listened to Candice. He allowed himself to think positively of the future, and turning to Candice, made ready to give his reply.