All in the Mind: S.O.S.

“Police, fire, or medical?”

“Help."

“Police, fire, or medical?”

“N—no. I need… Help.”

“Sir, I’m sorry, but you have to be more specific with what you're asking. Are you calling to report a crime?”

“No.”

“A fire?”

“No.”

“A medical emergency or event?

…Hello?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m here. I’m c—I’m calling because I need h--elp.”

“Sir, what kinda help? Is it a medical emergency?”

“Ye—N---I don’t know...”

“Sir, what’s your name?”

“Thomas Phillips.”

“Address?”

“214 East Way Drive. A—Are you gonna send someone?”

“I will once I know what kinda help you need, so again, is it medical? Some sort of Simple Sickness? Are you or is someone you know having a heart attack? A stroke, perhaps? A seizure? A blood pressure drop?”

“No, no. It isn’t that kind of med— I’m… I have... Thoughts...”

“What? Thoughts? Is this a joke? We all have thoughts!!”

“No, it’s not a joke!! Not these kinds of thoughts.”

“Well, what kinds of thoughts are they?”

“They’re thoughts that, umm… Have to do with…

Others.”

“Oookay, what kinds of thoughts that have to do with others?

… Mr. Phillips?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m here.

I'm here.

Look, I’m… I’m a..f...raid.”

“Afraid of what, sir?”

“Of...m--mys--s--self.”

“Ha ha, what do you have to be afraid of yourself for?”

“I’m umm.. I’m worried… that my thoughts might ummm.. hurt…ahem…

Others.”

“Well, that’s just silly. Thoughts can’t hurt other people…”

“They can!!

Ahem.. T--they can...if…”

“.....‘If’ what, sir?”

“Look,

I used to see…… S--somebody...”

“'Somebody' like who? Someone you dated? What does that have to do with anything?!”

“No, no. Somebody who… helped… with these thoughts.”

“I don’t understand. Was it your pastor?”

“No! Listen! You aren’t listening!!”

“Sir, I’m trying to listen. I’m trying to help, but you have to help me help you. It seems like you’re talking in riddles!”

“Okay. So. Once upon a time, we had--we, the world, had certain…thoughts…that could be considered um... Troublesome.”

“Sir, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Thoughts are just thoughts, are they not?”

“Yes, thoughts are thoughts, but… There are different types of thoughts, right? You have good, fun, happy thoughts. And then you have sad thoughts. And then you have angry thoughts—”

“Is that it? You have angry thoughts?”

“Yes—well, kinda.”

“Oh that’s okay, sir, we all have angry thoughts. It’s part of being human! But Mr. Phillips, you do realize this is 911? ‘Having angry thoughts’ isn’t any reason to call. This line is for emergencies and crimes.”

“I have angry thoughts about… doing things… to other people.”

“What? What kinds of things?”

“Bad… t--things.”

“You mean, you want to… hurt… other people?”

“Yes.”

“But why would you want to do that?”

“I don’t know!! I just do!! And I always have!! I can’t help myself!!”

“Have you hurt other people?”

“No, no—not… yet. That’s why I’m calling…”

“Well, if you haven’t hurt anyone, then there’s really nothing we can do about i—”

“I don’t want to hurt anyone—that’s the whole point!!!”

“Sir, I understand your frustration—believe me, I do—but yelling at me isn’t going to get us anywhere. I need you to please calm down and just kinda work with me.”

“....

I’m trying to.”

“Now, listen. You’ve called the number for police, fire, and medical. You haven’t committed a crime, it sounds like no crime’s been committed against you or anyone you know. And there doesn't appear to be a fire or a medical event. So, I’m sorry, but I don’t think we can help you.”

“You have to.”

“Mr. Phillips, I really think you should call your pastor. Do you have a pastor?”

“I don’t need a pastor!!”

“Sir, where are you right now?”

“I’m at home—locked in my bedroom closet.”

“Okay, is anyone else there with you?”

“No.”

“Do you live alone?”

“I live with my mother.”

“Where is she right now?”

“She went down to the grocery store. I asked her to go pick up some soup, juice, and cold medicine for me—”

“Oh, so you have a cold—a Simple Sickness! Why didn’t you just say s—”

“No. That’s just what I told her. I told her I wasn’t feeling well, which is technically true. I just didn’t tell her how…”

“So you had her go get stuff for a cold… even though you don’t have a cold...”

“I wanted her to get out of the house… because I don’t trust myself right now.”

“Well, that seems like a silly thing to say. How can someone not trust themselves?”

“Have you ever wanted to hurt yourself?”

“Well. Ahem.

Yeah,

actually, I have.

But

what’s that got to do with anythin—”

“Have you ever wanted to hurt somebody else?”

“No—of course not!”

“Well, imagine what you felt when you wanted to hurt yourself. How real that felt. How deep it felt.

Maybe even how close you came to doing it…”

“But I didn’t!”

“I know you didn’t—you’re on the phone talking to me now. But I’m asking you to think back on what it was like. Those thoughts, those feelings.”

“I can’t. It was a long, long time ago.”

“But try.”

“I can’t ‘try’. We can’t think like that anymore.”

“Exactly!”

“What do you mean ‘Exactly’?”

“We ‘can’t’… but I still do. Except, instead of thinking it about myself, I think it about other people.

Like, imagine if you never stopped thinking about doing it to yourself.

Still, all these years later…”

“I'm sorry, but I still don’t get what you mean, sir.

I think I’m going to have to end this call—”

“No!!! No—please.”

“Sir, we have other people out there who need our help—who have real emergencies. You’re tying up the line!!”

“So, you want me to go out and commit a crime. Go and actually do what I’m thinking…to someone.

...And then you’ll take me seriously?!?!”

“Look, Mr. Phillps. I’m not telling you what to do. I’m just telling you what I’m able to do. And unable to do. I don’t know what kinda help you’re looking for, but this isn’t the line for...whatever it is.

I honestly don’t know if anything is...

Maybe go try watching a funny movie? That might help take your mind off o' whatever’s troubling ya’!”

“Hey, honey! I’m back! And I got your stuff!!”

“Is that your mom?”

“....

I gotta go.”

“…...Hello? Mr. Phillips?

Mr. Phillips?”