Woman Incarnate

Reincarnation is, at best, controversial. To me, it’s just a stupid, an amusing idea. Still there are a lot of people who believe in it and a lot of serious philosophers who defend it, extoll it, explain it and whatnot. Rudolf Steiner, founder of Waldorf Education, biodynamic farming, singing style, eurythmy and gracious physical development claims it. He claimed to be a “spiritual scientist” and to know the way of higher worlds. What happens between death and rebirth was one of his areas of expertise. Incredible bullshit I thought.

Imagine how I felt when I saw her. My queen or empress. Stunningly beautiful, regal, composed with one of those “light my fire” smiles. I kept looking at her and trying to understand it. The teacher was droning on about Steiner, karma and reincarnation but my mind was trying to wake up. 

I have been haunted all my life by vague memories of being a nasty man, but a nasty man with a lot of power. Some kind of ruler, like a king, an emperor, or a czar. No two bit earl or lord, but the real thing. And a real bad man. I could never shake the idea. I am just an average “Joe,” kind of smart, kind of athletic, and sort of cute. Beyond that, I have done nothing special in my life, I was a CEO of a software company but it didn’t survive and I wound up a long ways away from Bill Gates and Larry Ellison and Steve Jobs. A long ways.

But, I puttered along, tried many startups and kept up the good fight. Lurking in the back of my mind always was this crazy idea. Plus, over the course of years, I drew uncommonly interested in China. I read a lot of history, knew a lot about Europe and the Middle East, read some about Africa, but I was constantly drawn back to China. An emperor? Maybe? Could be? Really?

This woman sitting across from me, she did not look Chinese. Still, I think I said, “regal.” You know how in the movies Chinese people, most especially the women, are portrayed as calm, disciplined, almost detached? Jet Li nor Bruce Lee wouldn’t tear you apart with any degree of emotion. They just calmly ripped you asunder. This woman’s smile was so gorgeous and she seemed in complete control everything and everybody in the room.

It took two classes, but I finally talked to her. I was excited, she talked back. In fact, she was positive, warm, and enchanting. She made me fell like I was important. She smiled in a way that melted my heart. I guess it could have been sexual, but I felt more love than anything.

I am in a transition period in my life, a very serious transition. After being in computers and high tech all my life, I am playing guitar and I have written a novel that I am working to publish. I am not trifling with anyone but my reactions can be very raw. Not angry raw but “real” raw. Some things that I normally wouldn’t even bother with are quite important. This woman’s emergence, presence startled me. It threw me completely of balance. I felt more love, more romantic, deep love than I had ever felt in my life. That love in turn brought me great joy. Seriously. I was driving in my car listening to some rock music thinking how much I wanted to dance with her. Dancing embarrasses me.

My wife was waiting for me when I got home and I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful she is. Truly. We are not talking about second place here. But, we are talking about something real and powerful that I have no idea how to handle. I just kept quiet. “Hi honey!”

The woman and I met a few days later for coffee. She, of course, was gorgeous in a very simple way—best kind. I was so curious about her as I was on the verge. But, she beat me to the punch. Personal question after personal question, acknowledgement, sympathy, understanding, feelings, support, affection. I was a limpid pool of loved out human being.

I drove her home and dropped her at the curb. No comment about her home. I did learn in between enthusiastic responses that she had a boy and a girl and I was quite sure that they were well cared for. I had already raised a small family, but, shoot, why not another one. I was sure her children would be adorable, well-behaved and quite intelligent. Perfect little creatures. Her husband was an athlete.

On the way home I started thinking about the incarnation nonsense. Well, I thought, “she was the Emperor’s daughter and somehow we fell in love. The Emperor didn’t like it but she was his only child and she…well, she got her way. We were married and I was very happy. If you want a good wife, marry a Chinese woman 700 years ago—even the Emperor’s daughter. When the Emperor died, they made me Emperor, which was a bad joke—on the people. I was madly in love with the woman, but knew nothing about ruling. I had all kinds of consorts because it was simply too much fin. I had three children by the woman and I loved them all. When the people got really tired of me, they assassinated me. 

According to Steiner then, my next incarnation was as a woman, then, next, a man. So, this was my second incarnation and things weren’t quite the same, except. Again, I married a beautiful woman. The number of years in between is quite naturally uncertain and arguable. Steiner might have argued fourteen hundred years but my soul, spirit, being whatever reached out and said “700.” Hard to imagine why it mattered much.

I saw her again several days later. Her smile seemed so very, very personal I almost wept. She was looking at me with adoring eyes. Then, I said something. I said something that indicated fear on my part and there was definitely fear in my heart. What was I going to do? I loved this woman. I loved my wife. I couldn’t sleep much at night trying to figure out how we would work things out.

I needn’t have bothered. When next I looked into her eyes, they were depthless and dark. She was a long ways away. Her voice was polite and two galaxies away. I scrambled. “Hey, it’s me. Look, let’s talk. I want to hear more about you. I want to consider us. Please. Let’s talk.”

The woman left and I will never see her again. Sob. God, I loved her.