Hindsight 2020

I always seem to go through life in the background, but that has always been okay with me. It always felt like nobody could see me, but I could see everybody, maybe that's because of the chaotic home life I lived growing up being silent gives you the gift of observation, but I wouldn't use that until later.

When I would go to school I would bring that chaos mind with me and repel all the other students and gravitate towards the students who were like me, broken. See being left behind can make you feel like your broken because you're over looked and you feel as though no body can see your true value. It takes you down a road of questioning your own value when you're overlooked, but consider that a good thing. I know I sound crazy. why is being overlooked a good thing well, I will tell you while nobody can see you, you have the chance to get your self together so when your time comes, people really see you. What do I mean well when I was growing up I always wore hammy downs from my invisible sibling, we'll get into that later as I got older my mindset never changed it just stayed the same and I always wore, dusty comfortable clothing yes I am totally coming at myself to make a point. Majority of the time the only time I dressed nice was holidays and visiting elders so I never really saw a reason to get all dressed up. Well, I met this girl who made me see myself for the very first time.

The glow up was fierce the clean up was tremendous, people didn't even recognize me, but I started to notice the people I wanted could see me. As this was all going on my frequency elevated and everything started gravitating towards me, It was like the more I loved myself, people and opportunities would generate left and right. I was completely on top of the world.

Then I met Trent, I was in motion and it was like our energies recognized each other. It was electric mentally and emotionally, everything else was lacking though and I started struggling to stay focused in his general direction. It's not that I am selfish completely, but some things are just deal breakers so I had to keep it pushing you know what I mean because at this point I am feeling myself so I go back to the girl that made me see myself and introduced me to this love story I was so excited to live through with her, but now she's distant she can't see me anymore and I notice this and I start trying to fight for what I lost not realizing I was the one who caused it in the first place I start battling her and trying to make her see that she was wrong and that she had to love me and THAT is where I fucked up. Once the defense stopped the offense had already went home and the defense was fighting amongst themselves. She didn't need me, not in the slightest, she went out and created a beautiful life for herself while I sit back and realize that the time I spent trying to see myself in somebody else I lost the person who reflected myself back to me with class and I was almost dizzy. She got a new life I got a new problem.

Lord, I wasted my time on another person gave the energy that was poured into me into somebody else instead of pouring an abundance back to who made it flow in the first place, my heart became broken when I noticed that. I fought away the love I wanted that wanted me. How does one manage to do that? So concerned with coming out on top instead of just loving your bestfriend that God gave to you, I am almost ashamed, the devil got to me and made me create havoc by giving away my angels love. Like God she comes jealous and fierce, but that is the beauty in her, her power is in the gentleness of her words, they could break a bone. I couldn't imagine anybody else by my side.

Meanwhile, while this love bird is over here rehashing the never ending love story and how they cheated on each other this knuckle head had Trent watching from the actual bushes, and hiring people to see what was going on! Paying people to sabotage the financial stimulation, apparently he was a big dog and all the industry knew his father so he had the right numbers to call to fuck shit up. The harassment went from taking more taxes out of my pay to not being hired for jobs. He would always be sitting right outside like, " sorry to hear you didn't get the job" it even went as far as him coming to my complex and telling me to come outside when I had already said I would get a restraining order, it was starting to freak me out and I started taking it out on what little connection I had left with my baby girl, because when she had left me she was and still is in love with me, so now she is in another relationship getting fucked picturing me as her handler go figure, I'll be waiting darling.

For now I've got my hands full I rather her safe and away from the bullshit I have caused anyway. I am fighting to get my life back together so I can get back to her. Now this asshole is in the background puppeteering my wages and stalking my house. It was absolutely insane, but not as insane as who was watching him watch me. Before my mom had passed away she was apart of a very high ranking criminal group. She was the hit man, I had no idea and she had passed away so obviously she couldn't tell me about this family jewel & family secret she forgot to mention, that something that I had was of value that I kept all those years ago or that my family was completely bad ass that literally would've have saved me so much depression with feeling left out I think because like my family is cooler than yours so I don't have to talk to you anyway vibes whatever I'm gangsta by blood not relation. Apparently even when my mom was alive they sent people to befriend me over the years to get close enough to see if I still have it. I am a precious asset to them and Trent was starting to cause a scene that this group started to notice and keep a paper trail of. This same criminal group watched me grow up since I was a child so they have love for me whether they want to admit it or not, I mean they disguised themselves as "my aunts and uncles" for years. By the time I was a teenager they had all gotten into selling more weight then just your average eighth or halfie of weed they ended up getting in with the big stuff. Connections to The drug lords, who were connected with moles in the FBI they got in deep all while having backyard barbeques with the kids every Sunday and Sunday sit downs when it got cold. They had the best kept secret and my mom was the biggest asset that was now a missing piece to the puzzle to one of their cases and I was her diary and her storage unit, so they had to infiltrate, yet protect me long after she passed away, unfortunately for them I wouldn't let anyone close enough, fortunate for me it kept the protection around me, my misfit guardians if you will.

One day while Trent was driving home from work he was ran off the road by a white van and dragged in, he was questioned and tortured in that van until he promised to leave me alone and to stop harassing me, he ended up breaking out of the van and went to the police but they were already notified to let it go off books, and then he came to speak to me and told me about everything that had happened, crying and hyperventilating because I wouldn't believe him. I just wanted him to leave me alone, but he had gotten a picture of my uncle, and told me he had copies and that if I didn't listen he would expose my family, now I am under his thumb not realizing my immunity through my aunts and uncles. They have no clue the bomb he just dropped on me about them. Now I am trying to figure out how to deal with my girl friend, deal with a stalker with a big mouth, and supposedly my family is in some kind of mafia. That's definitely in the background alright. This is all starting to make sense.