Sink or Swim

"Well I guess you're gonna sink or swim", said someone in the crowded train station. Even after 20 years, hearing that expression always made Lexi cringe. The memories she wished she could forget came flooding in as she boarded her train home.

As a child, Lexi had struggled for years to fit in. She had finally arrived during her sophmore year of high school. Oh not in the conventional way of being accepted by the popular clique, but simply because she had a core group of friends who liked to have as much fun as she did. All of the mean kids who had bullied her for years faded to black, and her confidence bloomed. No longer being called ugly, she had lots of dates and even went to her senior prom. Graduation came all too quicky, though, and at just 17 she found herself sruck at a 9 to 5 job with no real future while the rest of her friends were enjoying a carefree summer before heading off to college.

Lexi had always planned to go to college. She had dreamed of becoming an architect, but her mother was diagnosed with cancer during her junior year of high school and was gone before her graduation. With three younger siblings to raise, her father simply couldn't afford the cost of tuition and had talked her into taking some business classes during her senior year.

Her guidance counselor suggested she continue with her college prerequisite courses and apply for student loans to further her education, but her father nixed the idea and told her that she would be in debt for years after getting her degree. Lexi winced at the thought of that pivotal conversation.

Her mind flashed to her younger self sitting at her desk typing endless, boring reports on a sweltering sumner morning. Her life then felt like the train car she was riding in now, busy going to the same place every day but never really getting anywhere. She remembered her longing for happier times when her mother was alive and she was enjoying her high school years. She had missed many of her friends who were lounging at the pool by day and partying away long, cool summer nights. Some no longer returned her calls. They were busy being teenagers while she was adulting at the tender age of 17.

Lexi had originally planned on living at home for the first two years of college and commuting to the local campus to save money. Besides, she had loathed the idea of living on the main campus with some overprivileged girl like those popular kids at her high school. Her plan was to keep her part-time job and save as much money as she could so she could afford a small apartment when she had to transfer to the main campus to finish the last two years of her education. But her father had said no, and just like that, her dreams of a bright future were crushed.

Lexi's father had worked for the local telephone company as a lineman for as long as she could remember until his company was bought out by a larger one just days after her high school graduation in June. They had given him a decent severance package, but it wasn't going to last forever, and at the age of 41 with no other work experience he was having trouble finding another job.

Lexi's mind then drifted to the day of her 18th birthday. She didn't expect a gift and that was okay, but she never expected the bomb her father dropped on her. That 17-year-old girl sitting at that keyboard had hurt and resentment raging inside her.

Lexi, by all accounts, had been a good kid. She loved school and always got good grades. She was on the honor roll all through high school. She started working at the age of 14, bought her own clothes and did her own laundry. She did all of the laundry and cooked dinner every day after school after her mother got sick. She even started paying her father room and board as soon as she graduated from high school and began working at her dead-end job that made her feel like a hamster on a wheel. But it wasn't enough for him, and she didn't understand why.

She had turned 18 on a Friday, but she didn't take the bus straight home after work that evening. She got off at a different stop and walked to a used car lot that had a candy apple red Mustang convertible displayed right out in front. She had been passing by that car for two weeks and decided that if she couldn't go to college, she was going to use her savings to buy that car. It was going to be her present and her party all wrapped up into one.

Lexi drove her shiny, new birthday gift home, proudly parked it out front and practically floated into the house feeling happier than she had in what felt like a very long time.

As her train stopped with a jolt, Lexi felt the pain of what happened next sear through her heart like it was yesterday.

Lexi's father had called her into the livingroom as she walked in the front door. For a brief moment, she actually thought that perhaps her father had scraped together enough money to buy her a present. She practically bounced into the livingroom with jubulent anticipation.

Instead of a gift, she received her walking papers. Her father calmly informed her that he had sold their house. He could no longer afford the mortgage payments, so he and her younger brothers would be moving into a two-bedroom apartment and that Lexi would have to find a place of her own.

As Lexi exited the train and made her way through the crowd, she felt it all again: the shock, the hurt, and the fear. It was overwhelming. In a state of panic, she remembered begging her father to let her move with them. She would sleep on the couch if she had to, or maybe they could pool their money and rent a larger apartment. Her cries fell on deaf ears. To this day, all she could remember her father saying was, "Lexi, your 18 now. It's sink or swim."

Her recollection of that weekend was a blur. All she could remember was laying on her her bed crying.

As Lexi walked up the steps to the street, she saw it was raining and rummaged around in her bag for her umbrella. It was a light rain, not much more than a drizzle, and the sound of the raindrops gently falling on her umbrella reminded her of one last, long ago memory of the devastated young girl she once was.

She was back at her desk the following Monday. It had been raining all day. However, lunchtime usually broke up the monotony. While she couldn't afford to eat at any of the trendy, new restaurants in town, she usually enjoyed her brown bag lunch in the park. That day, she found herself stuck in the lunchroom with Paul the 40-something-pervert. The college girl was in there too, but Lexi had no desire to sit with her either. She resented the bubbly girl who was doing her internship at the firm.

"What's the matter, Lex?" Lexi hated it when she called her that, like they were buddies or something. The hurt and resentment and rage boiled over, and Lexi blurted out, "What would you know about it? You're an overgrown child whose Daddy paid for four years of fun and freedom! I live in the real world!"

"Lexi, my father died when I was seven, and my mother worked two jobs to keep a roof over our heads. Not everyone who goes to college is rich."

"Well how did you do it then?" Lexi shot back.

"I have student loans and before coming here I worked part-time waiting tables."

She explained to Lexi that she didn't mind the idea of having to pay it all back. "Those years will only be a small amount of time in my life. Without a degree, the struggle is a lot longer."

The rain had stopped during their conversation. Lexi's new friend pointed out the window, "Look, there's a rainbow! It's God's promise."

Lexi smiled at the memory. It was the moment she realized that her life was not over at 18. It was just the beginning! She was going to swim, even if it was upstream all the way. It was the day that changed her life. It was the day she grew up.