No Clear Winner in First Humanoid-Human Presidential Debate

Candidates Agree to Meet Again in Wilmington

By Bobbie Blankenship | August 26, 2048

Cheyenne, Wyoming Last night’s first-ever debate between humanoid and human candidates for president featured plenty of disagreement on issues ranging from global cooling to time travel.About the only thing Andrew Royd, the Techno Party nominee, and his rival, Sheila Bartram of the We the Real People party, did agree on was to meet for a second debate next month in Wilmington, Delaware. With political pundits declaring the debate a draw, the Wilmington event looms large as the last chance for the candidates to make their case to the American people before November’s general election.

By the time Royd and Bartram walked onto the stage last night at Cheyenne’s Buffalo Bill Auditorium, anticipation for their debate had reached a fever pitch across the United States and its Martian colonies. An estimated 300 million viewers tuned in to see how their candidates would fare as they answered questions from a panel of moderators that included Chris Wallace, looking fit and tan at 110 years old, and Walter Cronkite, cryogenically defrosted for this event. What the viewers witnessed over the next two hours were marked differences in style and cognitive abilities which will undoubtedly be discussed and analyzed extensively over the next few weeks.

The contrasts between Royd and Bartam were evident from the start when Wallace asked them to explain why they were running for president. Royd, wearing a crisp, blue jumpsuit and displaying dazzlingly white teeth, spoke about his desire to be a leader for all Americans, whether synthetic or organic.“For too long my opponent’s party has tried to divide us,” he said in a clear, inflectionless voice to scattered applause and boos from the audience. “My pledge is to lead us into a future where humans and humanoids treat one another as equals, where it doesn’t matter if one’s cerebral cortex is composed of circuits or cells, where we can all sit down together to share a meal, whether it’s a protein slurryburger or a plate of…” Royd’s mic was cut off at this point prompting him to smile, wave and swivel to face Bartram.

Bartram, sporting an aquamarine plasma one-piece and a faux panda stole, began on a gracious note by thanking the moderators, the audience, God, and her parents before launching into her opening statement. “I will not sugar-coat the reason I want to be president,” she said, glaring at Royd and giving her stole a flip. “America has become a land in which humans are losing our jobs, our dignity, even our favored status as the original inhabitants of this great land. The ever-growing menace of ‘noids…” The rest of Bartram’s statement was drowned out by an eruption of cat calls and cheers that led Mr. Wallace to caution the audience to refrain from further outbursts while warning Bartram against the use of pejoratives such as ‘noid and coghead.

The debate resumed with the general knowledge round. Royd, as expected, did well, providing rapid-fire answers to questions such as which countries allow humanoids and humans to marry and how many zebras live in Zimbabwe. Bartram, by contrast, passed on several questions, and struggled to answer others. Asked to name a former U.S. president whom she admired, she replied James Marshall. When Mr. Wallace noted that Marshall was a fictional character played by Harrison Ford in the movie Air Force One, Bartram angrily charged him with asking a gotcha question.

While their candidate floundered, the Bartram camp engaged in a furious attempt at damage control noting via Teletokogram that her struggles demonstrated her authentic humanness versus her opponent’s synthetic corporeality. Royd’s team quickly countered that his capacity for consuming, storing, and processing limitless quantities of information was a prerequisite for anyone aspiring to be president in the post-digital age.

At this point, the moderators called for a 15-minute break as Royd’s eyelids had begun to droop and a disturbing pattern of sweat stains had blossomed on Bartram’s plasma suit.After Bartram downed several bottles of Martian Spring Water and Royd received an ion-battery recharge, the refreshed candidates stepped back on the dais for the next round of questions.

The second round focused on the candidates’ positions on the technological and environmental challenges facing the nation. From the first question—on time travel—posed by Survivor: Venus host Abby Lane, Bartram and Royd presented starkly different positions that had the audience alternately laughing, groaning, and, in one case, yelling “send him back to the factory,” leading to a brief scuffle and several individuals being escorted out of the auditorium.

The reactions came when Lane asked if the candidates would as president approve of further time travel in the wake of the recent incident in which a mission to determine why Neanderthals disappeared may have actually contributed to their extinction. “Of course,” Royd replied. “But with the proviso that all future missions are conducted by humanoids so as to ensure there is never a repeat of this tragedy.”

Bartram countered that it was never proven that one of the human members of the team had left the pack of cigarettes that may have led to the discovery of smoking by Neanderthals and their ultimate demise. “And let’s not forget that it was a humanoid who tried to smuggle an egg back from the mission to the late Ordovician Period, which, if hatched, would have resulted in the planet being overrun by 200-pound arachnids.” “Not true!” Royd exclaimed repeatedly until his mic was cut, prompting him to smile and wave to the audience before pivoting back toward Bartram.

The final question of the night—on global cooling—was presented by Mr. Cronkite, looking distinguished despite displaying signs of freezer burn on his ears. “How would you deal with the dramatic drop in temperatures that has occurred ever since carbon emissions were eliminated a decade ago?” he asked. Answering first, Bartram, stroking her stole, said that the solution was simple. “America needs to get back to doing what it once did so well—pumping carbon into the atmosphere. Toward that end, as president I will immediately provide grants and tax breaks to entrepreneurs willing and able to reactivate mothballed oil refineries, gas fields, and other carbon-emitting industries. We must make American great at polluting again!”

Fixing Bartram with a steely gaze, Royd pounded his lectern. “Has my opponent no shame?” he bellowed.Rotating back to the audience, he continued. “Does she not remember that a mere 20 years ago the earth had become so over-heated that the Martian colonies were established in order to provide a virtual Noah’s Ark should mass extinction appear inevitable?” Blinking rapidly, he whirled to face Bartram again.“As you well know, Ms. Bartram, the only reason the planet was spared this fate was because, thanks to unprecedented cooperation between humans and humanoids, America led the way in reducing global temperatures by converting all carbon-powered machines to nuclear energy.”

“And now we’re all freezing!” Bartram yelled, wrapping her stole more snugly around her neck. “We need to turn up the heat now!”

By the time order was restored in Buffalo Bill Auditorium, two hours had elapsed and Mr. Wallace pronounced the debate over. Bartram and Royd advanced toward each other with arms extended for a handshake, when Royd came to an abrupt stop, causing his handlers to rush on stage and wheel him off. Thus ended a historic night in which America saw the two contenders for president face off in what one commentator has dubbed “The Shitshow in Cheyenne.”