Hollow

I do not understand the emotions of people. I simply cannot understand the concept of feeling. I know that something is fundamentally wrong with me. I am not normal, or whatever society defines 'normal' as. I can speak to you, yes. I can laugh, I can cry, I can be angry. But I am simply not there. I do not see the need to form relationships with others.  I have no need for physical affection, nor does it feel good to receive it.  In fact, I dislike being touched. People tell me they love my smile and I let them because it is what makes their world better. However, I am not sure if it really does. I have no idea what love truly feels like, only a vague sense of empathy.   I feel sorry for people, and sometimes I wish I could feel the same way. 

However, I know that this is just my way of expressing myself. I believe in myself and I believe in humanity. If one cannot believe in oneself then who can they truly believe in? It is easy for me to say these things, to express sympathy and support others. They would never expect such a statement from someone like me though. I am far too cold hearted for kind words.The truth is that my existence is completely selfish, and nothing more.  I can offer a helping hand, or lend an ear to listen to other's problems, but it is not real. It is not genuine, it is a lie. I do not care about those who are sad. I simply want to make everyone happy. And so I offer comfort. I will help anyone who asks me too, but I do not believe that they need any of it. I do not think that they appreciate kindness, or appreciation. I do not think they know what it means, how important it is to them. And so I offer them empty platitudes. It doesn't hurt anyone if they don't return the sentiment, it seems like a small price to pay. For some, the gift of understanding is enough. I am empty. I do not feel. I am not human. So please.  Please. Let me go on. I am not human. Do not care for me. Do not want me. Just stop.

You cannot love a shell. The shell is not alive, and it cannot understand. Even if you loved me and accepted me fully and genuinely, I would still not exist to you. There were moments when I thought that maybe I was not meant to live and I wanted out, but the pain would return, reminding me why I existed. 

It is impossible to feel. It has always been that way. When people are sad, they feel the way that they do, because they have feelings. They express sadness, fear, joy, anger, all emotions, which causes us to feel them. We experience emotion, even when we do not mean to feel any. This is one reason that humans can function so well in social situations, we can communicate and share our feelings without having to use words. But, I do not want that! Why should I feel sadness? What right do I have to suffer and be unhappy? How could I possibly deserve to be happy?

I do not deserve to feel it! So stop! Stop telling me you love me, stop telling me you care! I am nothing! I am empty! Stop trying to fill up my hollow body with your warmth, your laughter, your smile. I am worthless, unworthy of your love. I deserve no one but death Stop asking me questions, stop looking at me with those kind eyes. I do not deserve them! They belong to someone else, they belong to someone who cares. Please Leave me alone.

No matter how many times this happens. No matter how many tears I shed, no matter how many arguments I have with you, you will always come back around. You will always forgive me. And I weep. I weep for the future I am causing you to lose. I weep for the love that I will never feel again. And I hate myself. I hate everything about my life. I hate everything I am, I hate what I am becoming. And yet... despite all of this, you stay by my side. You try to talk to me, tell me what's wrong. Try to get me to open up. Try to fix me.  To make me into a person you can tolerate. But I am beyond repair. I am an abomination. I am a mistake. I am a monster. And you will leave. 

You will leave the moment you realize that there is nothing left of me. 

Please leave me alone. Leave me be.

Leave me.

But you won't. No matter how much I scream for you to stop caring for me. Stop talking to me. Stop touching me. Stop seeing me. You will stay. Even when I beg you not to. You will stay here and try to heal me. You won't give up until you are satisfied that I am okay. That I am whole once again.

And this is why, even after months and years of being together, you will never change. Even now, when all the signs point towards it; you will stay. Not even a hint of regret. Just pure belief that I'm worth saving. Worth keeping. Worth living for. You will stay. Because I am worth it.

This, above all, hurts the most.

I hate you. I wish I didn't love you. I wish I were dead. I wish that I never existed at all. I wish that I didn't exist at all... 

I don't want to hurt you anymore.

 Please go away.

 Please leave me alone.

 This isn't real. This isn't real.

 This isn't real.

 It's happening again. 

What do I do? 

How do I stop it?

 I don't want this, I can't stand it.

 Stop hurting me. 

Please. 

Stop.