About Last Night

Daniel often feels like a stranger in the room. The conversations drag and linger in his ears for hours, but he rarely knows what to say or do. He feels like a moviegoer, a watcher that somehow delves into the background, becoming a part of the ornaments which silently observe whatever is going on. This, however, was the first time he had felt like that with his two best friends in the world, they knew each other since they were 12, so, stupidly at his 23 years of age, he thought it would never happen.

“I think our friendship is way too one-sided!” Eliza said stubbornly while lighting on a cigarette.

“I think you’re a liar and so full of yourself!” Chris spouted.

“Talking about being full of yourself, you’re full of shit” she replied

At this point, both of Daniel’s friends no longer cared about hearing one another, nor about communicating their anger and trapped emotions over the past few years, they just screamed hurtful words with the sole purpose of being harmful, it was like a weird contest to see who could cause more damage, who’d fuck everything up for good.

. . .

The alarm on his phone rang to the rhythm of an eighties song, seven o’clock, time to get ready. The night was cold and promising, Daniel put on his best outfit and his new coat he got as a Christmas present from his mum. He washed his face rinsing the laziness of the day, put some cologne on and fixed his wild curly hairs. He had been sick with a cold for the past week but that night he felt great even better thinking that in a few minutes he’d be celebrating the new year with Chris and Eliza. He made sure everything was perfect, bought some beers, cigarettes and most importantly: gifts, a Joan Didion book for Eliza and a watercolour sketchbook for Chris.

When Daniel arrived at Eliza’s she greeted him with a hug and a smile, their friendship was never that close as they grew up, but the last year has changed that, they realised there was no point in being strangers, so they meet each week to drink coffee or beer and talk about life for a while. This "newfound" old friendship has proven to be the best friendship Daniel has had in a while, especially since they know each other so well, it’s kind of like hanging out with his sister, fun and familiar yet far from boring. They know they count on each other, even when that is left unspoken.

After they had been talking, drinking and smoking for an hour or so, Daniel was sure that Chris wasn’t showing up. This didn’t surprise him, Chris had been acting weird for a couple of months; avoiding Daniel’s calls and Eliza’s invitations to their weekly hangouts or calling up for favours but not answering the phone whenever they needed something. Daniel finds this annoying but hasn’t put much thought into it, he knows Chris is having a rough time and justifies his behaviour as a reaction to his problems. Eliza on the other hand resents this, she’s right to do so, but as well as Daniel, she hopes it's only a matter of time before he snaps out of it.

Right after she opened up her present Chris called to say he was outside. His breath was strong and bitter, his mannerisms clumsy and slow. He was drunk and unhappy, one could say as much.

“I’m so happy to be here with you both” Chris said as he sat on the couch. Daniel gave Chris his present and he said he loved it, although Daniel was not so sure if it was true. “I didn’t get you anything,” Chris said and this made Daniel recall a conversation they had about four years ago when he asked Chris what he was giving his family for Christmas and he replied by saying he didn’t buy them anything because they did not deserve presents.

“You don’t have to give me a present just because I gave you one, I just did it because I wanted to” Daniel replied with a bit of remorse; Chris showed up without the drinks he said he was bringing, without the money for the food they were to order and with a hidden pack of cigarettes he didn’t want to share but that was obviously on his trousers frontal bag. He wanted to give him the sketchbook, but he felt awful for asking himself if his friend deserved it.

What Daniel thought to be a fun night ended up in a stupid fight that seemingly started out of nowhere, but of course, it didn’t. First Eliza decided to only share a beer with Chris, Daniel went along with this because “he hadn’t bought anything and it was fair, as Chris often used to complain about people drinking for free in parties” but in reality, they wanted to punish Chris, maybe subconsciously, probably not. Then they talked about fun stuff and recalled their strangely fun, dramatic and overall weird year, but that lead to the subject of Chris and his girlfriend, a weirdly, not sweet at all relationship that had evolved into cheating and manipulation. Both Daniel and Eliza have said multiple times that Chris is way too smart not to realise he should leave her; he always says he’s okay with it, but it’s obvious by his temper and late-night crying calls that he is unhappy. Lastly, Eliza told Chris that he was no longer a part of their lives because he has pushed them aside for a person who isn’t worth it. She feels sad about this, she said it as she smoked up and watched her cigarette burn.

Chris replied that she couldn’t understand, and he didn’t expect her to, but his girlfriend’s family had supported him like no one ever had. Daniel knew he was making an effort to belittle everything he or Eliza have done for his friend, but he also knew that Chris being Chris, never learned to value anything else than material stuff. Of course, he’s talking about money.

Eliza took this personal.

. . .

Daniel sat there, quietly smoking and ‘enjoying the show’, there was not much to enjoy, but it was quite a spectacle. His friends had a tendency of arguing from time to time, they had done it a handful of times as they grew up and he thought it was the normal way they expressed their love to each other, even though it was a messed up way of doing it he had gotten used to it. He didn’t like to see them fight, but it was the way it was. He wanted to leave, not only his front seat view of the fight, in fact, he wanted to just exist somewhere else, any other place in the world, where nobody knew him and he could start fresh. He knew the inevitable moment of him getting caught in between was coming and he wished his mother would arrive pick him up earlier than expected, but of course, she wouldn’t. His other option was just to call in an Uber, but he could barely afford it and since Mexico City was Mexico City, the chances of getting home safe at four in the morning were little to none existent.

“No, no, shut up will ya? I wanna know what Danny has got to say!” Chris shouted

“I won’t shut up, cause you need someone to tell you the truth!” Eliza replied grabbing another beer.

Shit, Daniel thought, I wasn’t even listening anymore and he’s really not going to give up until I say something… He moved his head from side to side. “I don’t really know what you want me to say” he looked at Chris with a faked sympathetic smile.

“Do you really think I’m such a bad friend?” Chris said in a hurry.

“Please, don’t hold yourself” Eliza informed “just tell him everything he WANTS to hear”

“The truth?” Daniel asked, and Chris nodded… well the truth is subjective isn’t it? He thought before answering, he felt their eyes on them and suddenly felt a rush of wanting to speak in German, it had been so long since he had spoken it that he thought it might come off as rusty nonsense, but he was sure it would help not to keep anything to himself. After a while, he glanced at his friends unsure if he should call them that in that very moment “I just dunno how I can defend someone who didn’t speak to me in months, and rejected my calls, but then three weeks ago calls me to see if I can babysit his cat, and when I say I can’t he just won’t answer back my texts…” Daniel said calmly, but feeling his heart beating faster. “You’re asking me, so I’ll tell you, both of you are wrong and missing the point of what a friendship is about, we shouldn’t have to call in every day, but we should make the other person know that I’m there if I’m needed and vice-versa.” Both Eliza and Chris listened in complete silence, two minutes later, they began fighting in circles again.

Eliza said he hasn’t been a good friend in the past years, Chris backfired saying she’s gone missing in action in his life, she answers that the reason is that his girlfriend hates her, which is truth and there’s nothing subjective about that. Daniel sat with a new smoke in his hand, eventually, Chris tried to make him pick a side as if they were speaking of political parties and he had to vote for someone. He even walked to Daniel and basically shouted in his ear that he needed to pick a party, or he wouldn't talk to him again. But Daniel said he wouldn’t do it, that asking him to do so was a shitty thing to do because he couldn’t choose between the people that are the most important to him, his “found family”, although he didn't say that last bit, Daniel knew that if he were to choose, Chris would probably lose. Instead, he finished his cigarette and began thinking about how, a few days ago was Christmas and he forgot to congratulate his host father, from his exchange year in Hamburg, for his birthday which was on the 26th of December. Tomorrow would be New Year's Eve and he only wanted to have a good time with his friends, which he might not see in a while since he’s going to the UK for college in March. He even bought expensive beer and gifts, but nothing seems to matter, they just wanted a good fight and they got it.

Time flies slowly and by the end of the night, Chris left shouting they were no longer friends. He didn’t want to be friends with a liar and with someone who is totally indifferent to the situation. Daniel translated this in his head as a tantrum. Chris opened the door after Eliza kicked him out. He 'thanked’ them for the years of friendship, "Alright" Daniel formulated in an unnervingly calm way, Eliza covered her head with her hands.

Chris took the remaining cigarettes with him without anybody noticing. This, for some reason, was what mattered the most to Daniel, he wanted another cigarette, his 10th cigar of the night by his calculations, but Chris took them exactly as he had always done.

He stayed a little more time with Eliza, they chatted a bit and shared a cigarette that was hidden beneath a chair. It probably got there when Eliza threw the box at Chri’s face. They listened to some music and even pretended to dance, but none of them was really feeling it. The night had gone miserably wrong. Eliza cried and Daniel thought he should be feeling bad about it, but after Eliza asked if he was feeling okay, he found out he felt nothing at all.

“Is it strange that I don’t really care?” He asked himself to sleep, “that in a way I’m sorta okay with not seeing Chris anymore? Chris who has been my friend for so many years? Am I really that disconnected? That fucked up?”

“Maybe” he answered to his pillow and slept like a baby. Deeply and untroubled.

The next morning, Daniel found out Chris blocked him from every social media, he found that funny in a way and deeply stupid in another. He prepared himself something for breakfast, bacon and scrambled eggs. He watched some TV and read a bit, then Eliza called and they talked about what had happened, he found this painful for some reason, now he wasn’t so sure of not feeling a thing anymore. Eliza was right all along, Chris never cared about them, only about being right, about them both being there for him but never the other way around, this was true, at least it had been true for the past couple of months. Disappointment and anger ran across his mind.

Daniel listens to music for the next couple hours and when he feels empty again he realises he has thought of at least three things he would like to say to Chris, especially as he walked out of the house, these things are: “You’re being a total dickhead about it, but suit yourself”, “I really hope you know what you’re doing because I’ve always been there for you, but if it makes you happy, just don’t come back crying when your girlfriend cheats on you again” and “If you really think this has been a waste of time, just fuck off”.

Daniel comes up with another thing: “Thank you for ruining the night. In case I don’t see you again” he says out loud like speaking into the memory, eyes red and itchy “Happy New Year!”