The Lonely Man

I don’t remember how old I was when it first happened, but I do recall still being a child.

It all started on a very troubling night where images of monsters flooded my young mind. I was tossing and turning in my bunkbed unable to fall asleep when fear took complete hold of me. I wasn’t quite sure where all these feelings were coming from, all I knew was that I didn’t want to be in my bed anymore.

Usually when this happens to a child the logical thing is to slowly sneak into their parents’ room and get in bed with them, but lucky for me I shared my bedroom with my two sisters, so I had plenty of beds to choose from. My older sister was a sleepwalker and something about that creeped me out, so I chose my youngest sister’s bed, or for a better word: crib.

I hopped in her crib making sure not to wake her up and as soon as I was getting comfortable and snuggling up to her for the lack of the small blanket, I heard it. My name had been whispered out in the most chilling and quiet way possible and I was the only one awake. I sat right up and looked out my bedroom door to find an empty hallway and no one in sight.

I tried shutting my eyes tightly and cuddle up closer to my peaceful little sister when I heard it again.

“Gelsey.” Its whisper clearer and louder than before, but still, no one to answer to.

I don’t remember much after that; all I remember is that it was a terrible night to be caught awake in and unfortunately for me I was one of the unlucky ones.

Years passed and it happened again, this time though, I was older and still sharing a room with my younger sister.

“Gelsey.” The quiet voice said, nudging me awake. “Gelsey.” But by the time I had opened my eyes and sat up against my headboard it was already gone, and I was greeted by an empty room instead and a friendly sun peeking through the window.

For many years I have always thought that the voice that called me was my scared conscious making things up. Never did it cross my mind that it could’ve been something higher. Any time my mind would try to dwell on the possibility that maybe a spirit could contact me, my brain would shut the argument down. Because spirits weren’t real; at least in my world they weren’t.

But things happen as they do to everyone else. And life beats you down until you are left with nothing but pondering questions that haunt you in the middle of the night. Wondering if there is somebody else out there that could cure your pain and take your loneliness away. Or if there is even the possibility of a god who could be capable of such.

Here I am seeking that truth. The truth that everything ends well because it must. It needs to. There has to be a tunnel and there has to be a light at the other side; because if it doesn’t then everything will be in vain. Living will be in vain. And if it is, might as well stop.

Mom has always talked about a God who saved her life but was never clear about which god it was. She always called him Father. I always wondered if the reason behind was because of the pain she endured as a child. Her father was somewhat unavailable from time to time and perhaps this hidden pain took her to seek her own. Perhaps she sought someone better or simply sought for someone to take her pain away in her moments of solitude.

Maybe we’re all broken after all. And maybe, just maybe, we’re all on a rode of healing. Whatever that might take the shape of.

For me it wasn’t that simple, though. I had lost my way for a very long time. All I saw was nightmares and a living hell. I hated my house and I hated myself. My room felt unfamiliar, and I had forgotten what sleep was.

Where could a lost person even began searching? My brain was a landfill my thoughts were full of clutter. Even by seeing I couldn’t see. My mom’s god wasn’t mine it was hers. Who do you pray to at times as these? Is there really such a god?

“Is there really such a god?” I finally yelled out in agony. Letting out all my thoughts and pain I had hidden for so long and finally admitting it.

“Depends on whose asking.” A soft voice said behind me.

Startled I spined as fast as I could to see and old man standing before me. For a minute I had forgotten I was standing outside and didn’t realize someone could’ve heard me.

“Good morning.” He said smiling.

“Morning Mr. Grace.” I mumbled back.

Mr. Grace was my very kind upstairs neighbor. I had never met him officially until now but had seen him around the neighborhood watering the plants. He was always walking with a smile on his face and offering his help to whoever needed it. I always refused it of course. Something about his kindness threw me off and I always wondered if it was real or not.

“Why would you ask that question? In my years of experience someone who asks such question is holding a lot of pain.”

“I’m not hurt if that’s what you’re insinuating. I’m just…confused.” I lied.

“Well, in that case why don’t you allow me to introduce you to my God?”

“I don’t know. My mom already did that. It’s a waste…”

He smiled from ear to ear as if what I had just said was something to celebrate about.

“What god did she introduce you to?”

“God the Father.”

“Ooh! That sounds like a wonderful God!” An excited Mr. Grace said clapping.

“Does it?” I looked at him cringey.

“Of course, it does! Who would you prefer, then?”

“I don’t know. But definitely not someone whose name is father.”

“Hmm…” Mr. Grace smiled again. “What about…” he paused. “Someone who is lonely?”

Could that even be possible? Can a god really be lonely? Thinking of all the gods this world knows and had to offer none of them seemed lonely to me.

The Greek gods had each other. Hinduism had thirty-three million, whom I’m pretty sure hung out if they were to exist. The god they call God had its angels. What god can possibly be lonely?

“A god who is lonely? There’s no way that is true. No god is lonely.” I sounded more annoyed that intended to.

“Why not? Why can’t God be lonely?”

“Because there’s just no way.”

Mr. Grace stayed quiet waiting for me to say something else. And I did.

“There’s no way a god can be alone. The only living thing that can express loneliness and heartache are the humans.” I pointed to myself and him as I spoke my last words. “The gods have everything. There’s nothing to feel broken about.”

“Fine.” He finally said in surrender. “What about…a God who is a man? A LONELY Man?”

I stayed quiet. His words came to a surprise to me. I have heard of half gods before. Those made more sense to me than any higher thing. A god who can rule over all and put things in order, but who could also experience pain. Be mortal and immortal. Someone who I could share my feelings with.

“I’m listening.” I finally said after what It felt like an eternity of thinking.

After the encounter with my very kind old neighbor, I spent the next couple of weeks studying an ancient book that spoke all about Mr. Grace’s god. But he spoke of him as many other names. These were names I haven’t heard of before and I just couldn’t make the connection. All I thought of was the one he called The LONELY Man. I couldn’t shake it. And nowhere in this book did it mentioned Him. Not even once.

“What about the LONELY Man?” I asked desperately. “I have been with you for these past couple of weeks but all you have showed me is someone called the Rock, Living Word, Son, I AM etc. But nowhere in this Holy Book does it talk about The LONELY Man. Where is He?”

“You have read about it, child.” Mr. Grace said laughing.

“Where?!” I said searching every page and seeing all the verses that were highlighted. “All I see is God and Jesus.”

“Exactly.” Mr. Grace said as he lay back in his armchair smiling.

I looked at his satisfied face not understanding what he meant. I tried thinking of something to say but nothing came to mind. So, I told him something about myself instead.

“You know…when I was a child, I heard a silent whisper calling out my name in the middle of the night. I didn’t think much of it, until recently.” I said in a low whisper as a knot formed in my throat.

 “The voice...it was a lonely one. It wasn’t influenced by shouts or whispers. It was calm and it was steady, but it was lonely.” I look up and see Grace staring at me this time.

“I wonder…is there a god?” I felt a tear roll down. “Is there really a god, who’s as lonely as I am? You said there was, but so far I haven’t seen Him.”

“Gelsey –“ A sorrowful Grace tried to speak but I interrupted him instead.

“You said he made me; for his good and to make Him company. But where is this god in all your book? Where is this Man that longs to see me? Because I have tried, but nothing has happened yet.” I said my last words as I wept quietly, not knowing what else to do. My desperation was growing by the minute and so far, it seemed like nothing was going to be able to fill that void.

“My lambs hear my voice, and they know me, and I know them.” Quoted Grace from his ancient book. “He calls the lonely and brokenhearted Gelsey. I think you know who that voice for many years ago was. All you have to do is believe it.”

“How?! How can I know; what is the right answer?”

“Easy. He will call you by your name.” A hopeful Grace whispered. My heart thumping harder at his words as the tears continued to fall.

“But, who of the God’s, you showed me is He? How will I know which God I seek?”

Grace chuckled and gave me a warmed embrace. When I was about to pull away his words left me pondering.

“Ask…and it will be given to you. Seek and you will finally see and find Him. Knock and he will open up his door for you.” Grace let go and when he looked at me my confusion must have been visible because before I could say anything he continued.

“Go out into the world Gelsey. Go find him. He is out there. But if all you do is sit here asking about Him, you won’t find Him. This God is a Lonely Man because He is still missing part of Him, and that part is you. Time is running out, but it is not up yet. There is still hope, there’s still things to rejoice over, and there’s still time for all of those who are apart of Him. Go, find Him. Before He takes them all up to his dwelling.”

“But if I find Him, what should I call Him?”

Grace smiled and said, “Jesus.”

And so, I went. But this time I didn’t go to what others called ‘their God’, this time I went after one. Who interestingly enough was made of three. I went to seek God the Man, the one who had called me many years ago, the ancient whisper whom my soul desired.