To Share that which is Embarrassing to Me

"How do I even know where to begin or how to start?" "How do I share this or that, without the fear of being criticize and judged?" It does not feel easy or seem easy, as most would have one believe, yet most have no truly understood idea of sharing and pouring out one's emotions and one's feelings, that everyone could honestly say that they understand what I am experiencing or having had to go through or deal with when that moment presented itself

I feel that when I am saddened or angered, when I am happy or overjoyed, when I am bewildered or lost, scared or alone, that I would know how to respond to and how to pick and choose the best way to respond to my feelings or emotions, whichever arrives first, and which ones will allow me to express a positive response, if I am thinking straight and in a sane frame of mind.

I want to react to whatever may be the very thing that is causing my sadness or whatever is causing my unhappiness, whatever is bring about fits of rage or anger, that if I am in that moment, in the proper frame of mind and if I am able to discern which is what and what I should do or be thinking.

Just thinking about this is making me mad and frustrated, is making me start to feel flushed and feeling the blood boil at the thought of sharing such childish silliness. How does one choose to respond either way, whether one way as an adult or one way as a child. "Is there a difference, between the response of an adult as the response of a child?" "Does the response find an actual acceptable reply that would be considered okay and be an honest one?" If this the way anyone that knows and shares or cares to share, then whose to say that we will all be in agreement enough that we think and are willing to respond in unity.

When I share my feelings, I am well aware that the replies and responses will differ even in the slightest of answers or will sound like someone has not put a lot of heart and thought into the actual way to respond since most speak the first thing that comes to mind or possibly how they were taught as they learned from their own parents or others throughout, the years they were growing up.

"Does it mean that most are right while others are not right, or can never be depended on to be right, not even once?" "Does this mean that when one believes they are right, and they find or seek out others who will be in agreement, will they overshadow others, who may agree differently?" "How does anyone's preference of the choice to judge me for when I share my emotions or feelings, how I share my emotions or feelings, why I share my emotions and feelings, with whom I share my emotions and feelings, and where I share my emotions and feelings?" "Is there any right or wrong time or place that sharing my emotions and feelings ever considered inappropriate or less than welcoming?" Is it right for only certain chosen few, that after "drawing names out of a hat", that they and only they are "allowed to" share their emotions or feelings?"

"Is this the way, the only proper way, that we are ever able to express ourselves appropriately or within a certain limit of what we share, that would only make me lesser of a human being and under others control that may or may not allow themselves to understand (either voluntarily or involuntarily), that with this, that the change in what is acceptable will eventually be the one thing that brings about shame, disgust or cause for personal abandonment?"

"When did we choose to "hold things inside", only to allow them to gnaw away and to make us deathly ill?" "When did we become less human and filled with less of a heart, where we no longer, want to admit that there are many things that we do not agree on and that makes us angry or sad or filled with rage that should be expressed "responsibly" and with enough restraint, yet in a way that we do not allow ourselves to become enemies of our own demise.

I share what I feel, I share how I feel, I share with whomever I feel ok to share with, I share when and wherever I feel no worried that I will be criticized or judged, because I refuse to be less than human, or possibly shamed into "clamming up". My heart nor my brain nor my insides can ever take that unnecessary type of punishment. I will not refrain from sharing the very things that are a part of who i am and what I am. Sharing my emotions and feelings is one way to share and show my respect, depending on the moment and situation. I am human, let me be and remain as close to being human as I have learned and truly understand being human is and can be.

I live by a code, I have morals and beliefs and standards, they are to be used and made use of, so that I will not become another "statistical number" who has to be placed on "calming medications" or be placed in therapy that may or may not actually help. For the ones who claim to help me "through my "problem(s)" are not anymore closer to "diagnosing" me or finding a promising solution that will alleviate or remedy the "problem". The ideas of actual solutions and and actual resolutions that will work and allow me to return to a form of my "normal" former self, is possibly lost in the "black hole" of new age awareness or the brainwashed version of something that never actually will work or could possibly work ever.

To show fear, to show anger, to show depression or show sadness, does not mean one will choose to bring harm to themselves or possibly others, or both. It only means that when emotions and feelings are expressed, when they arise and "settle in" for a long extended period of time. They will "set up shop", will make themselves fit in and "make themselves at home", whether we want them to or not.

Yes, emotions and feelings are similar and yet different, they arrive at will, never apologize for being there nor apologize for what they choose to do or how they choose to respond to whatever brought them there in the first place.

I share my emotions and feelings with regrets, with having to apologize or say I am sorry, or having to explain why I am sharing my emotions and feelings. For with each one, my humanity is not going to be anything less than that which is part of the description of what it is to be human and how I learned to be human long ago, before I was seen as a shameful and unethical individual human being.