Recurrence

"This is my worst nightmare" Rhian, thought to herself. She found out about the plane crash as she arrived at her workplace after lunch, and both her manager and assistant stood by her office door waiting for her to break the news.

With grim faces, they bid her to come inside the glass doors, and Lee, her manager of five years haltingly told her that the plane, her husband Cam was in, crashed on the Pacific due to an engine malfunction. She heard the story as most did, with the paralyzed inability to process it's significance. She shook her head and stood, trying to shake herself in the hopes that she's dreaming. Rhian gets such vivid dreams sometimes, and she thought that this must be one of them, but she could see the truth of this in their eyes and the grounding, sinking feeling that comes along with grief. Long minutes passed in total silence; when she finally found the voice to speak, it came as a pitiful moan, one that she thought would never come from her. Mary-Anne, her assistant, came instantly by her side, a voice of comfort and with arms that held her as she came apart.

She wept, with sobs that shook her body and took the strength from her legs so that she slowly sank into the carpeted office floor with Mary-Anne by her side. They have been working together for the best of four years and have built a friendship and respect from being the only women in the cutthroat world of the construction industry. Rhian was sure that despite the daily pressure and grind of the business, the woman has never even seen a crack on the calm, driven façade she wears every day for work, but she did not care. Losing a husband is very different after all from losing a project bid. She could not care less what her co-workers may think, all that mattered was Cam. His loss. This pain.

When the first wave of grief finally subsided, she picked herself up from the floor and prepared to go home. Lee, assured her that he will be in touch with the authorities on her behalf and will contact her as soon as he gets word of the proceedings. She agreed numbly, realizing that her boss might be feeling guilty because her husband wouldn’t be in that plane if it weren’t for him. Cam agreed to meet with the overseas client on Lee’s request. As soon as the thought entered her mind, she felt a wave of anger, frustration and guilt. Anger for the unjustness of the situation; frustration knowing she couldn’t do anything about it now; and guilt for wishing that Cam was here instead of Lee. She battered the negative notion away before it could go any further and forced herself to focus on getting home.

Rhian walked towards the office door, noticing that some of her co-workers avoided meeting her eyes, while some murmured condolences which she did not know how to accept, so she just nodded. Still, one or two of their friends approached her to offer hugs of sympathy and shared sorrow. She felt fresh tears threatening to fall from her eyes so she broke away from them with an apology. Rhian adamantly refused their offer to drive her home. She just wants to be alone in her grief.

When she got to the basement of their building, she quickly found her car and drove home. The traffic, the bustling noise of the city, the people milling about on the sidewalk, seemed so normal. How could the world go on while her whole world starts to fall apart?

She’s been driving for nearly an hour when she realized that she took the wrong exit route and was momentarily confused where she was until she saw a familiar sign. She’s driving towards Cam’s parents’ house and felt a jolt of panic as she started to recognize the road that’s taking her closer and closer to their home. She quickly pulled up at the road shoulder, trying to figure out what to do. She didn’t know how to handle this, she didn’t know how to break the news to them. Not in the state that she is in. So she couldn’t figure out why she drove out here instead of her home. All she wanted was to crawl on the bed she shared with Cam and remember their last day together, their last words, the last hurried kiss he gave her before she went on that damned trip. Will his side of the bed still smell like him? Will that be enough? How will she go on?

She rested her head on the steering wheel of her car feeling the exhaustion that overwhelmed her body and which seems to reach into her soul. She tilted her head upward and from the distance she could see the open fields and trees thick with green leaves, swaying slightly from the light summer breeze. The bright red roof top of the first house at the edge of town is glinting merrily under the summer sun and the feint sound of traffic coming from the highway reached her ears through the hum or her own car engine. A scatter of clouds can be seen across the vast blue of the sky, where the sun beats it’s unforgiving heat towards the land. Everything looks bright and glowing. It seems unfair to be under all this and feel so lonely, so empty inside.

She sat like this for some time, tears flowing from her face, unmoving except when a sob escapes from her and shook her. There was something at the edge of her subconscious that was coming to her and she slumped there anticipating it anxiously. When at last she could not prolong the agony of waiting any further, she turned her car to the road. Rhian did not see the truck that slammed into her sending her careening towards the post and into blackness.

“Rhian, Rhian...” a voice called to her from the blackness, “Rhi... Rhian, please baby wake up.”

That voice....

“Rhian, calm down, wake up baby, it’s okay.”

“Cam?”

“Yes, I’m here. Wake up, you’re just dreaming”

She jolted awake, seeing the worried dark eyes of Cam on her. She felt the steady beating pulse of her husband as she grabbed the hand he put on her shoulders. They were in her car, on the same road that leads to his parents’ house. And he was alive. She was just dreaming... That’s it, it was just a dream! The thought and feel of him sent waves of gratitude and relief all over her that she started shaking. Her reaction caused her husband a moment of distraction.

“Watch out!” she heard herself scream as the headlights of the oncoming car blinded her vision. She felt an overwhelming pain that painted everything red... then... nothing.

It only took Rhian a moment to discover life... a moment more to lose it.