Broken

TW: mentions/implications of sexual abuse

Ben decided today that he was going to commit murder. Last night, he could not fall asleep until he came to that conclusion. In his mind, there was no other way to get control of his life. Ben, a senior in high school, was only eighteen years old and full of impulses and hormones that he was still working on controlling, even after years of therapy. 

Ben went into the garage where his stepfather kept all his hiking gear and found a 15-inch Bowie knife, which he put in his school backpack. He went back inside his house, where his mother was making breakfast. Ben went directly to the fridge and got some milk out to make himself some cereal without giving much attention to what his mother was making. He sat at the table and started eating his cereal like any typical day. He knew he had to act his usual self so no one would notice anything different. 

Without turning around to look at her son, Irene knew something was different with Ben. It was not bad, but she felt it was not good either. He walked differently. It was not aimless. He had a purpose. The last time this happened, he needed to go to the hospital for a gastric suction, followed by a very long time in a mental health facility. Irene did not say anything. She remembered the therapist's words to give Ben his space and trust that he would come to her if he were struggling like before. But, the worry was eating her from the inside. She tried to push the negative thoughts away and focus on making breakfast. 

As the morning sun filtered through the kitchen window, Ben mechanically scoped spoonfuls of cereal into his mouth. His unfocused gaze was fixed on the cereal box before him, but his mind was elsewhere. Suddenly, the kitchen side door opened, and his girlfriend Zoey walked in with her signature yellow beanie and a smile that would melt an iceberg. Ben was annoyed that she showed up. Now, he needed to find an excuse to be alone without alarming everyone. Ben hated that about his life. Ever since he attempted suicide, he had to explain any action that would cause any suspicion. So, he forced a smile to mask his inner turmoil with a façade of normalcy.  

Irene was glad Zoey showed up. She had been great for Ben. His self-confidence grew, he smiled more, and he finally cut that horrendous long hair. She didn't know how Ben convinced Zoey to go out with him. She was beautiful, outgoing, and very friendly. Not that Ben was bad looking, but Ben was . . . Ben. She felt a ping of guilt. How could a mother say that about her son? She sighed. Maybe she was tired. No, not a maybe. She was exhausted. The last ten years have been very challenging. Ben was a beautiful and normal kid, full of joy and energy, until he turned eight, and everything changed. First, he began withdrawing from activities and sports, and then it was his friends. When he returned home, the young boy wanted to be alone in his room. Then, he had issues at school with poor focus and excessive tiredness. And to make it worse, he lashed out whenever someone touched him. So, visiting psychologists replaced going to practice for soccer. People started treating her differently, either thinking this was her fault or with pity. She didn't know what was worse. She was tired of it all. 

Ben stood up and went to the bathroom. He still couldn't devise a plan to get rid of his girlfriend. Zoey gave Irene a questioning look, and Irene just shrugged in return. Zoey wondered if Ben was upset because of last night. They were kissing, and they attempted to have sex again after that one time many weeks ago, but Ben stopped her. This time, it was less . . . Jerky? Maybe it is progress, she thought. He apologized to her again and then left. She could feel that Ben was overwhelmed with emotions he could not express. His eyes flashed with fear, shame, worry, and anger to fear again. She wanted to help him but did not know how to do it. 

Ben came out of the bathroom, kissed his mom on the cheek, and waited for Zoey to go with him. She grabbed her backpack, waved goodbye to his mom, and followed him outside. As soon as they were outside, he told her he needed to go somewhere alone to do something he could not share with her right now but promised to tell her everything as soon as he returned. 

Zoey looked at him silently for a few seconds before shaking her head. 

"I am sorry, Ben, but you are putting me in a tough spot. I trust you, I do, but knowing everything you have been through and your inner battles, I don't want to be the one responsible if you have a moment of weakness. On top of that, you are asking me to trust you, but you don't want to tell me why you need to go alone. I love you and care about your well-being, so please understand why I can't let you go alone." 

Ben looked at her, slowly nodded, and said, "Okay, get in the car." He sat in the car and gripped the steering wheel tightly, his knuckles whitening with the weight of his intention. Zoey sat beside him and asked if he would tell her what was happening. Ben shook his head and said he would when they arrived. Ben was torn between the warmth of Zoey's presence, his doubt of whether he could go through with murder or not, and his desire for retribution. His fingers twitched restlessly as he pressed harder on the accelerator. 

Almost an hour later, Ben parked his car in front of a community ice rink. He nearly leaped out of the vehicle as soon as he turned it off. Zoey's heart almost stopped when she realized what was happening. She ran after him as he yanked the entrance door open and briskly walked inside. A woman with silver-white hair was standing at the main office with a phone in her hand before putting it down when she saw the look on Ben's face as he approached her. 

-" Is he here?" Ben angrily asked. 

-" Who is here? How can I help you? " the woman retorted as she appeared confused.

- "The coach? Your husband. Coach Whitting. Is he here?" 

- "I am not married. And no, he doesn't work here any longer. Who are you? And what do you want?" the woman now visibly agitated. 

Zoey grabbed Ben by the arm and tried to pull him away. 

-" Where can I find him? You know where he is. Tell me where I can find him." 

-"Young man, I don't know where he is. He hasn't worked here in years. Please leave, or I will have to call the police." She said as she reached for the phone again. 

-"No, no that's okay mam. We are very sorry to disturb you. We are leaving right now. Come on, Ben, let's go, please." Zoey interjected and pulled Ben away from the desk. 

- "Ben?" Fear and guilt appeared on the woman's face as she looked intently at Ben's face, who was about to leave before turning.

-" You knew, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?.. How could you?!" Ben angrily yelled at the woman, who immediately dialed 911. 

Zoey pulled Ben again and pushed him away from the office as his body trembled with anger, his chest heaving with silent sobs that left him gasping for air. Beside him, Zoey's eyes glistened with tears, mirroring his pain amid a turbulent sea of his emotions. They walk outside with heavy and unsteady steps. Ben sat on a bench outside, put his head between his hands, and sobbed slowly. 

"I can't do this anymore. I just wanted to. . ." But before Ben finished, a Police car pulled right in front of him, waving a couple of quick wails to announce his arrival. The officer stepped outside his vehicle while keenly scanning the couple with suspicion and concern. He then asked if he could help the couple sitting on the bench. 

"No, officer, we were just about to leave." She got up from the bench and tried to pull Ben up with her, who didn't seem to pay attention to anything around him. 

"Are you folks from around here? . . . Is he okay?" With a firm but measured tone, the officer pointed to Ben and took another step closer to them. Ben's stubborn refusal to engage in the conversation added a layer of uneasiness, defiance, and mystery.

"He is fine. . . he is just a little upset." 

Ben muttered something and finally stood up with Zoey. He took a deep breath and said they were looking for his old coach. 

"I see. . . that is not a reason to harass an older lady at her job though." 

"We apologize, officer. He was upset because he had driven a long way to see him, but we were leaving now." Zoey said before nudging Ben to move, but he wouldn't budge. 

"Do you happen to know where he is ?" Ben asked the officer as Zoey tightened her grip around his hand.

"No, I do not know, but you must go now." 

"Why is everyone trying to protect him?!" Ben yelled. 

"Young man, this is the last time I will tell you to get in your car and leave this town." 

"Come on, Ben . . ." Zoey pushed Ben towards the car, who reluctantly started walking. 

Once in the car, Zoey sat in the driver's seat while Ben shook his head and breathed heavily in the thick air of unmistakable tension. Ben's eyes darkened as the storm of his desire for retribution raged within him. Zoey turned the car on and began driving away. The police car followed. She didn't know what to do or how she could help him. She grabbed his hand and told him. . . " I understand you are very upset right now, so let's do our affirmations to try to calm down." 

Ben took a long breath and rolled his eyes. 

"Please . . ."

He nodded. 

"I embrace the vibrant spectrum of who I am. . . " Ben repeated after her, and then together they began chanting. 

" I stand firm and steady, embracing my authentic self. I am resilient, drawing strength from within. I rise above challenges and let the winds of change lift me higher. I blaze through obstacles and challenges, leaving transformation and growth in my wake. I cultivate peace and beauty amid the muddy waters of life. I accept myself for who I am. With positive thoughts and self-confidence, I will be unstoppable." Once done, they remained quiet as the car glided on the road, with the engine hum serving as a backdrop. Around noon, Zoey pulled into a little diner. She was hungry and needed to make sure Ben was okay. 

Once they ordered food, Zoey looked at Ben and told him she was sorry he could not find the coach, but she was there for him if he needed to vent. Ben just nodded without saying much. He was overwhelmed with emotions. He felt a beast inside of him scraping away at the inside of his ribs. For most of his life now, he felt messed up and alone in his cell of anger. He wished he could have just told everything. He wished he could have just handed over his rage, his shame, and his guilt to someone. Meeting Zoey created a window to his prison. The longer they were together, the bigger the window got. Her kindness and compassion touched his soul, igniting a spark of optimism within him that he thought long extinguished. She showed him a world where kindness and empathy reign supreme, where love and understanding pave the way for a brighter tomorrow. He wanted to be better for her, and last night, a realization dawned on him. He couldn't be better if that man were alive. 

As he was thinking, he noticed Zoey's face suddenly change as she looked at someone behind him. Before he turned to look, a figure appeared out of the corner of his eye. It was the police officer. 

Zoey was about to say something before the cop cut her off. 

"Don't worry, you are not in trouble." 

Zoey nodded and got up to sit next to Ben. The cop sat across from them. Somehow, he looked older. His aura of authority was gone, replaced with a haunted expression. His eyes showed a deep well of sorrow. His hands trembled ever so slightly as he began to speak. 

"For the longest time, I hoped someone would come for him. But no one ever came. Do you think you have what it takes? This takes a lot of guts." 

"Hold up, what are you talking about?" Zoey asked. 

"You haven't told her?" 

Ben shook his head. 

"Told me what? What haven't you told me, Ben?!" 

The cop ignored Zoey and looked at Ben. He spoke, his voice a raw whisper, words tumbling out with a reluctant urgency born of a need to unburden his soul: 

"Don't let my uniform fool you. I didn't have the guts to do it. And trust me, I tried. . . When he stopped . . . I tried to forget. I did nothing. I was young. What could I do? He . . . He was . . . my father. Then, I found out about other kids, but I still did nothing. I didn't . . . help them. I . . " 

The cop's voice trembled with a mix of sorrow and anger. Tears formed in his eyes and cut through the fragile facade of composure he struggled to maintain. He clenched his hands, took a deep breath, and continued. 

"I ignored it and tried to convince myself I was strong, but I failed. I tried many times to do what I should have done from the beginning, but I failed every time. I couldn't do it . . . I took an oath to protect the community and stop crime. But, him, I could never stop. " 

He took a folded piece of paper from his pocket and put it on the table. 

"I hope you can do what I couldn't." Then he stood up and walked away. 

Ben and Zoey were shocked. They sat in somber stillness at the cop's harrowing confession. The officer bared his soul to them, seeking solace or a release of the pain that had long held him captive. Ben opened the folder paper to find an address. Zoey looked at him and protested: 

"No, don't!" But he ignored her, took out his phone and Googled the address. It was only 18 minutes away. He got up and walked to the car while Zoey walked right behind him, asking him a million questions that he did not answer. 

"What are you going to do, Ben?"

"I am going to kill him for what he did to me and everyone out there. e did it to his son! His fucking son! He is a monster, and he deserves to die." 

"And you are the one who is going to do it? You have your whole life ahead of you. "

"What life? I am messed up in the head. Everyone either thinks I am a freak or feels bad for me for trying to kill myself. I panic every time someone touches me. I can't even have sex with you. I have to pop pills to make it through the day. So what fucking life are you talking about?" 

"And you think all of that is going to stop if you kill him?"

"I don't know, but at least I wouldn't feel so out of control. At least, I would feel like I have done something. I know it sounds crazy to you, but you can't understand how I feel, and I don't expect you to. I just need to do this for myself. " 

"I don't know what to tell you, Ben. I feel horrible about all of this. What happened to you was unspeakable, and you are right; I cannot understand it. But this seems wrong, too. You have his address now. You can come back any time, but you need to think this through before making any decisions because this does not just affect you. It affects others. I love you, Ben. I care about you and am here for whatever you decide, but please think this through." 

But Ben is a teenager who does not think things through. 

In the evening, Ben walked hesitantly towards the house of his former coach, painful memories flooding his head that he had tried unsuccessfully for years to erase. He heard Zoey's voice in his head with every step he took. Finally, he arrived at the house. A bead of sweat trickled down his heart as his heart pounded in his chest. His hand hovered uncertainly over the doorknob, fingers trembling with fear. His reflection in the dimly lit window of the door scared him. 

As he was about to turn the knob, he jumped when he heard a voice behind him. 

"Get out of here." It was the cop. 

"He is not worth it. I won't let you ruin your life. It all ends tonight. Go home." 

Ben nodded and walked away from the house. He watched his steps as the road stretched, a path to salvation and hope for a new start. In the distance, a muffled crack shattered the ambiance and quickly dissipated.