Pins & Needles

“How are they today?” 

I cup her cheek with my hand, gently rubbing my thumb across it. I know her cheek feels warm and soft; she smiles up at me as we lay together. I move my hand to cup the back of her brunette wavy hair, cradling her beautiful head. Then run my hands through her hair. My fingers get caught slightly, so I carefully detangle it for her. I know it feels soft too, but right now I can’t feel it anymore. Not with these hands. I’m unsure how to tell her. I sigh and kiss her forehead, holding the back of her head again, trying to seal my lips into her. This I feel, her soft skin and the slight wrinkles she gets when she furrows her brows, which lets me know she’s either worried or thinking. I roll over on my back and stare at the ceiling. She cuddles into my side and rests her hand on my chest. I run my hand up and down her small arm, willing them to feel the goosebumps that spread at my touch. Still, nothing. 

“They’re being stubborn today, but I think they’ve met their match with me.” I say after some time with a smile, she stares up at me, her eyes searching beyond my attempt at a joke. Behind it, to find the truth. 

“Yesterday you almost burned yourself,” She remarks. The doctor mentioned I would occasionally have feelings, until I didn’t anymore.

“That’s common darling, remember what the doctor said?” I ask gently, she doesn’t like doctors; ever since she lost her mother. This newest development doesn’t add any favors to them in her eyes. Again, she has to hear the words; there’s nothing we can do. 

It started with a slight numbing feeling, my fingers would feel like they were undergoing a soft vibration. Like they had fallen asleep. It graduated to no feeling at all, which I only realized after sticking myself with a thumbtack and Lia having to stop me and show me it was hanging from my finger. 

“You didn’t feel this?” Lia asked as she carefully pulled it out, some blood pooled out and all I could do was stare. I shake my head no, I hadn’t…

What surprised me more than anything, was how quickly I had forgotten the simplest of sensations. How I had taken for granted the way a pen felt in my hand, the slight sharpness of freshly mowed grass, even snow. Though I always hated snow, right about now I wouldn’t mind it’s cold seeping into my hands as I make a snowball to throw at Lia. 

What hurt the most, is I could still touch Lia, but I couldn’t feel her. You think you have all the time in the world, or that your memory won’t fail you; but you don’t and it does. In the beginning and even now, there was this sudden desperation to cut into my hands and fix whatever nerves were stealing the smallest of pleasures…

“Hellooo,” Lia knocks on my forehead lightly, “Anyone in there?”

I snap out of my thoughts and look down at her slender face, “Sorry love, what were you saying?”

“Where’d you go?” 

I shake my head and rub my eyes, this, my fingers also don’t feel, “No where, just zoned out I guess. Sorry love.” I kiss her forehead again and begin to move off the bed to stand. Lia sprawls out on the bed and tries to reach for me, I grab her hand and kiss it too. I grasp any chance to kiss her and feel her on my lips.

“I have some work to do love, I need to get the final draft of the new building out.” I move toward our dresser and pick out a pair of dark blue jeans and a black t-shirt.

“I thought you had finished that project.” Lia says as she sits up and lifts her arms above her head to stretch. I watch as her shirt lifts up slightly and I smile at the exposed belly button. 

“Almost, just a few minor notes from Stanley on materials and measurements.” 

“Will you go to the park again?” She asks sleepily as she lays back down and cuddles into my pillow.

“I think so, it’s a beautiful day out.” I grab my sneakers and a pair of socks and slip them on. I look around quickly for my work bag and make sure my notes, drawings and pencils are all set.

“Okay, I think I’ll take a nap. Oh! Can you bring those raspberry cookies I like from Estelle’s please?” She perks up and puts on her best puppy dog eyes. Which always works. 

I laugh and nod my head yes while moving to the bed and kissing her rosy lips again, “See you soon.”

On my way out of the house I first enjoy the smell of summer, fresh cut grass and a sizzling barbecue the neighbors are enjoying. The park is about a mile away, but I like a good walk. I look down at my hands as I walk, they feel like I’ve slept on them too long again. I pass couples kissing, parents running after children with ice cream dripping down their chin, dogs happily wagging their tails. Life is all around me, but now I face moments where I can no longer feel it in my grasp.

Once I get to the park, I find my favorite bench that overlooks a large pond. There are beautiful roses growing, large trees that seem like they dance as a slight breeze passes through its leaves. I set my bag next to me but can’t bring myself to work. It’s weird to hold something in your hand, but not feel it. I enjoy the warmth of the sun on my face, the way its rays hit the water's surface and make it sparkle. There are ducks swimming and I wonder what that life is like. 

I hear footsteps behind me and smile, an older gentleman sits down and lets out a big sigh. I notice he has a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

“Beautiful day.” He remarks as he takes out bread and breaks it apart for the ducks. 

“How ya doing Frank?” I ask and enjoy the way the excitement of the ducks causes ripples in the water as they flock to food.

“Still alive Sam, still alive.”

I smile, he always says this. I met Frank a few months ago after my diagnosis of MS, if you can guess, numbness is one of the symptoms. He had just lost his wife of forty five years and I was losing my life as I knew it. Loss was eating away at us, the way MS was eating away at me. 

“How’s it today?” Frank asks causally as he looks up to the clear blue sky.

“About the same,” I say, looking down at my hands, “no feeling today, just pins and needles.”

“And the missus?” He glances down at my hands, they look normal he must be thinking. How looks can be deceiving. 

“Good, she’s napping now,” I look over at him, worry filling my heart as I see dark circles under his eyes, “Are you sleeping, eating?” 

Frank waves the question away, “You sound like Maryanne. Yes dear, I’ve been sleeping and eating. Some nights are just… harder than others.”

I nod in agreement and we sit in silence for sometime. We enjoy the stillness of this moment, the way it feels like a bubble or cocoon shielding us from the life that lives beyond this park. 

“Frank,” I begin to say, but stop myself. Unsure what I really mean to ask. He looks at me and waits patiently for me to continue, “I’m scared.” I finally say.

Frank nods slowly, “Good, that means you have more living to do.”

“I don’t know how to go through the rest of this life, when my body is betraying me. I can’t even feel Lia when I touch her.” 

Frank nods again, “Maybe it’s not about you feeling her, but that she can still feel you. Sammy boy, don’t waste whatever time you have left with her; harping on what can’t be changed. What I wouldn’t give to see Maryanne again. You don’t need feeling in your hands to feel her warmth, it’s in here.” He says as he points to his heart. 

For a moment, I think I can feel the sun's warmth on the back of my hands and I smile. I am still alive, and there is more living to do. Frank smiles at me and groans softly as he gets up.

“Leaving already?” I ask, watching to make sure he’s okay to walk.

“Yeah, I have a date,” He says and smiles at the flowers in his hands, “Lilies were her favorite.”

I smile fondly at him, “Say hello for me.”

He nods, “Same time tomorrow?”

“Of course,” I say in return and watch as he begins to walk away, “Frank!” I call out suddenly and he turns around, the sun hits his face and I can almost see his younger self behind the graying hair and wrinkles. “Thank you, for everything.”

“Thank you, Sammy boy.” He says in return before waving and heading towards the exit of the park. I sit for some more time, the park is beginning to bustle with sounds of children’s laughter and dogs barking. I stand and begin to walk toward the exit of the park too, I have to remember Lia’s cookies. I flex my hand as I pass shrubs of healthy green and roses of deep reds. I reach out and touch them, feeling slight pricks from its leaves and thorns. I think of Lia and smile, willing myself to remember the feeling of her slender frame and soft skin. I can almost feel the curves of her body, ghost-like at the tips of my fingers. There is comfort in the fact that Lia can still feel me, that I can still touch her. There is more living to do, I’m not done here yet.