The One Thing Out Of Reach

I dread it.

And when it comes, it reminds me of the one thing I can’t have. The one thing I want more than anything in life.

Is it too much to ask for?

So many others have it.

How can it be too much to ask for?

It’s out of my control.

It’s never been up to me.

But then

For a second

Just one split second

I saw that it was possible to gain the one thing out of my reach.

And then

When I finally believed When I finally saw the light It was whisked away

Gone with the wind

Once again out of my grasp

Now how can I believe?

How can I trust?

Now how do I cope with the pain? There’s a growing hole inside of me Slowly eating me up

Tearing me apart

I dread seeing them.

i don’t want to

i don’t want to

i want to hide

ashamed

i don’t have enough

I don’t have what they do

i cannot take it anymore

i cannot take it anymore

i cannot

And when I see them with the one thing I can’t have, it reminds me that I once had that. And now I don’t.

Why me?

Why did I lose the one thing I wanted more than anything and they have double, triple?

So if a stranger asked me

Why do bad things happen to good people? As of now, I would have no reply.

Again

I am hit

By the hope By the tears

 And by the pain of losing what I’ve had Not once, but twice

And lost.

third time is the charm, I guess.

if I can go through the torture of the unknown once again

and the fear of losing what I’ve already lost not once

but twice

I will try again

i will persist

because it would make me the happiest woman in the world

to become a mother.

A tear rolls down my cheek as I think what it would be like to have a little child

who will run around smiling and giggling

I’ll buy cute little outfits

a crib and a playpen

lots of toys to fill up my empty apartment

and plenty of books to read

I want a child

i just want a child

i want to give birth to a child

i want a child to call me mommy

and run towards me with a smile

i want it

I want it more than anything

I’ve ever wanted

I’ll make sure to have healthy food

but also some ice cream

coloring books and tiny shoes

little socks and diapers

Please

please

please

god

please

I want it

a little room for my baby to sleep when they grow older

i want it

i do

I’ll make sure to buy them a car when they get their permit

i want it

I need it

I crave it

I love it

i hear their voice

i feel the happiness i would have

And I hear the clapping

at their accomplishments

the smiles

the eye rolls

the iphone

i miss it

i want it

I crave it

i Miss youth

I want a child

im not done

i am not giving up

this is not surrender

i want a kid

and teach them how to buy an apartment

and watch them grow up

go to college

And live their dream

because watching them live their dream

would be living mine.

what is the story of me and my husband , you ask? Well

The Handmaiden and the Prince

In a castle

on top of the prince’s room

his rage cage, more like it

there is a gray vent

In the very same castle

on the floor of a handmaiden’s room 

or should I say, her tower of doom

there is a gray vent

Locked up

unknown to the world

she cries

her silent tears

dripping through the vent

onto the prince’s cheek

where he lay in bed 

with one eye open

Waiting 

for the tears to drop

the tears from a beautiful, delicate handmaiden 

the tears he longs for

the tears he yearns for

the tears that keep him alive

Anguished, suffering

overly exposed to the world

he slams

his door into its frame

his clothes into their drawer 

his crown onto his bedside table 

and the sound travels

up, into the handmaid's bedroom

where she lay on the floor by a tiny window

Waiting 

for the loud sounds

the ruckus from a handsome, overworked prince  

the slamming she longs for

the banging she yearns for

the noise that keeps her alive. 

my parents?

My grandmother

Charmed

Falling in love

Wearing the most gorgeous dress

My grandfather

Protective

Tough, yet loving

Sliding the ring on her finger

If I squint I can almost see it

My grandmother has finally had enough

They sign the papers

The gavel hits the sound block

It is over

It is done

But years later, I still see the love

Gray hairs peek out from the caramel brown strands of my grandmother’s hair

 as she prepares my grandfather a cup of tea 

I watch her sit next to him on the weathered black couch

I watch them speak

Can love ever really leave a person’s heart? 

No matter what the one they love has done wrong?

It is a question I have not yet answered.

No memories remain in my mind

Of the forgotten time

The forgotten life

That both of my parents once lived

Together

As one

My mother

Strong 

Brave 

Beautiful 

My father

Thoughtful

Romantic

Handsome

My mother brushing my hair after the bath

My father coming home from work

All of us sitting at the dinner table

As one

My mother

Heartbroken

In tears

Walking away

Life turned upside down

My father

Watching her go

Drowning in guilt 

Head in his hands

Realizing he lost things he can never get back

I guess disappointment is too great 

when expectations are too high. 

Can love ever really leave a person’s heart? 

No matter what the one they love has done wrong?

It is a question I still have not answered.

Instead, I came up with another.

What if everything goes right?

If I squint I can almost see it

Me

Writing my own story

Breaking the pattern

Proving history wrong

Me

Smiling like never before

Safe in his arms

Love that can last forever

Him

Here to stay

Holding me

Grateful for the gift 

Of love that lasts forever