You know what? I quit.

I told myself I quit. It was two years ago. I said first to myself then to the others - I quit. What if meant? Easy. Exactly what it says- I quit. On what you ask? On life! I wish I could say smoking. Feels too easy somehow. Like it's truly possible. People do quit smoking. But also people do quit their lives. One is healthy and admirable. And the other. A taboo no one talks about. Why so? Why are we afraid of the word Death and death itself. Because it is the end of the story. There is no more continuation. We don't know if there is - so technically it is the end itself. To some people it comes early, way too early and they don't like it. And to some it seems like it never comes - they wish for it, they like it but Death runs from itself then. Really strange if you ask me. I asked for death million times. As much as I wished for happiness I wished for death. But it doesn't come. So that means I have to face it alone. In a dangerous setting, one of a timeline. In a thought so crazy to even think about. With a mind set on something unheavenly, ungodly. I quit. Is what I said that day. I set a time- one year from then and said this is it. The time started ticking. Tick tock. And my heart was tump tump in my ribcage as closer we were getting to our dream. Because it felt like a dream. Like a salvation coming. And you have a deranged hope because of it. Hope that death will come soon. What an extraordinary and odd thing to say. I wondered how it got to here. But I knew the answer way before the question was there. Death has been with me all my life. As a child I again wished for it. Feeling hopeless and lonely and misunderstood I wished for it to save me. It didn't come. Life got good until it got bad again. And suddenly nothing mattered. Because I was done. I was the most broken I've ever been. Like never before. I reached a Void I never thought of possible to reach. An emptiness and deepness like none till then. I was lost. Because I lost myself. I thought I knew myself, I thought I knew it all and then it came like a crashing wave. I didn't. And then I had nothing left. No piece of me that I could recognise. I had nothing to hold on to. I had lost the battle. That was all those two years ago. When I stared at the wall, heart squeezing tightly in my chest and saying What happened? Who am I? Where am I?. All those questions came unanswered. I was speechless. I had not one single person not even myself to protect me. Nothing. I had nothing to protect me from the Void. I was in it and looking up all I saw was darkness. Pure darkness. No moonlight or sunlight to reach for me and give me hope. Nothing brought me happiness. I was a hollow person like an egg shell which someone crushed under their palms. And I could hear the crunch after crunch. I had only one exit. Death. It was like getting stuck in outerspace. What would you do? I would try to kill myself so I don't float into nothingness.

But then she came. Like a lightning in the darkest night. And I realised I didn't need sun or moon. She was a thunder I had welcomed. It warmed me up and gave me ounce of life within me. It gave me flame, which i selfishly and agonizingly kept up. Every day I waited for my moment to see her. Her face, her voice, her laughter, her abs. Her everything. It was a salvation coming. It was love at first sight. I thought it is not possible for me to love again. But here I was staring into her soul wishing to know more. Wishing to reach to her and hold her hand, laugh with her and make her love me too. It seemed the most simple thing on earth. The most possible thing. Everything seemed right and possible, within reach. She saved me. I understood it immediately. The love I felt within me had spoken to me in soft lovely whispers It's alright, It's alright. I was saved. And she didn't even know I existed. But it didn't matter to me. Not at all. I was happy. And that was enough. Suddenly the time I had put was far away. Seemingly never to come. Seemingly I won't do anything ungodly but the opposite - I thanked God. For the first time in my life - I didn't ask Why me? I understood the reality, the truth. I was in love with a woman. And I accepted it. A woman loving another woman. I should've known better myself. That this was my truth and me all along. I had loved women but never said it out loud in front of me. Scared of what the world told us all. Scared of what we were being taught. But I knew better. I was open minded person. I loved love in all her forms. So it took time to accept it for myself but I did it. I had finally become a fenix. Scooping up all the fallen and broken pieces of me and forming one better, stronger self. I realised I could always start again from the beginning. It's the fun part. We change and we evolve always. Every single day we and stuff around us change. And we need to believe it's for the better. And that we create our lives, we create our thoughts, we create ourselves. If we want to be better we can only learn from our mistakes and get better at anything we want. There are so many possibilities. So many chances. Just because I was broken doesn't mean it's not fixable. I created something better, prettier, truly stronger. And suddenly you know what? I didn't wish anything to quit.