What happens in lockdown, stays in lockdown.

As we sat on the edge of my mattress, only comforted by each other's long expired musks, the sound of breathing and unsaid regret, we both stared into the darkness and thought back on the events of this evening as well as those of the past weeks. For goodness sake he had a girlfriend whereas I had neither that nor boyfriend which could be why it was so easy in the beginning to just give into simple enticements. Well, here we were, at the beginning or end- call it what you may- of a desire born of seclusion and a desire to try out everything for the first time. And so, as he headed for the door, having pulled on his worn-out sweatshirt and quickly brushed his hand through his hair, I sent off my best friend and prepared myself for today wasn't going to be easy to explain to both myself and society tomorrow.   

At the beginning of the lockdown, I didn’t know what the days to come would bring; all I knew was that I needed to find a job fast. The whole thing was something new to all of us or at least most of us, who had dear obligations beyond the four walls that had now become a more familiar embodiment of home. The first few weeks went by fast what with the panic shopping and fist shaking at those who did the panic shopping. Personally, I wasn’t worried at least not until I made my first visit to the store to get some noodles and found the store’s international section almost nearly bought out. No one ever bought the noodles! That day, I was able to scour through what was left of the store and get some basic supplies but in addition, I left with a whole new fear for what was to come; will I have enough for myself and my friends to last the coming days? What if we actually needed toilet paper? And so, the list of some of the many things I'd never had to worry about began to grow. 

Luckily, we made it through the weeks to follow with neither lack nor want as it turns out, the end of the world hadn't come yet: the stores were restocked, and the panic died down followed by the hoarding- there was hope that someday everything would go back to how it had been before. Meanwhile, within the walls that surrounded me, something not unheard of had begun to happen: the desires that had so long been held back were finally being stirred and soon they would be acted upon. It started the one evening with a book. I was trying to bury my worries and fears in a tattered old novel and as I gnawed away at the uninteresting fable about a girl and her unquestionable virtues, my roommate watched me- in silence and eagerness. I looked up having sensed someone’s burning glare and smiled. Not because I was the kind that appreciated attention but because I greatly desired his attention. For a long time now I’d been starting to feel a way when he embraced me in one of our usual ‘bro hugs’. A deep-seated heat would begin to rise whenever he ever came within arms’ distance and I was starting to crave that closeness more and more every day. I tried not to give him much attention and proceeded with punishing myself with the words of an unwise author. Shortly after, he left and with him the urge to be touched. Soon enough I couldn’t handle it anymore and abandoned the novel somewhere in the living room and headed for bed. Little did I know, the night was only beginning. 

I had tossed and turned for about an hour; I think it was something about the lockdown and the loss of world order that was keeping me up. Then, I heard a knock at my door. Everyone was awake around this hour of the night these days, so it didn’t bother me. Upon opening my door, it was him. He looked different, kind of starved and in pain. It wasn’t unusual for him to come to my room for a friendly spar when he was bored- this may sound weird, but it was our way of releasing stress. I let him in. He didn’t say anything; just looked up and down my rounded frame clad in shorts and a thin night shirt perfect for a hot and not so dreary summer night. I decided to break the silence with an offer to play Clue, but this didn’t seem to change the mood in his eyes. I decided it was one of those nights where we spar to release the pent-up energy and that’s what we did. Sparred. Somewhere in the middle of landing punches and giving wedgies his hand reached between my legs which was understandable; you just never know where your hands are going to land in these things. Then it went further, under my shorts. A jolt shot through my body as I realized where this was going. Then it hit me, I wanted this to happen badly. From the moment he entered I'd hoped something would happen. Soon so soon, my chest was heaving against his, my hands reaching for his face, his hands on my chest and butt. We were engrossed in engrossing each other. Not sure how or when the door was shut but it was and just in time. Soon, we were on my twin bed: a rather uncomfortable and confined space to have such a display of affection. I just couldn’t get enough. As his hands grazed every inch of my being, I wondered how he could have hidden these feelings so well. Guess the girlfriend was a sort of beard or whatever. Best friends for 5 years and then this- some kind of best friendship this was. He was going to be my first and I didn’t trust anyone as much as I trusted him if you ask me. 

There I was: the same night, same girl just a different meaning to the word best friend. I was drenched in all these bodily fluids and I didn’t know if they were mine or his. What had just happened? Long distance has always been a challenge not because the other person is so far away and what they don’t know won't hurt them. But because of the starving virgin he’s becoming close friends with that may or may not be well versed with the best friend code: to always have each other’s backs. There was no undoing what had been done. Cue the regret, apologies, heart break and bewilderment of the world after the lockdown when it sees what has become of the people it used to know.