Once a Trojan, Always a Trojan

“Just say it” You silently reminded yourself. You knew you’d regret it if you didn’t. 

The highway is bleary through your windburnt eyes. The windows are down and it sounds like a helicopter is landing on the roof of this old Ford Escape but you’re not putting them down, not now. She’s been unconscious in the back seat for ten minutes now, and last time you checked her pulse was faint and flowing and a stagnant pace, but you were not going to lose her, not today. Saint Luke’s was right around the bend and through a few tunnels, she’d land in the arms of doctors and nurses and in an ER bed and you’d sit in the waiting room like those cheesy movies waiting for some lab coat geek to tell you everything. Hopefully, it was good news. 

The car roars as the speed gauge nears eighty miles an hour. Your hands are fused to the wheel as exits start blending into one another and the road ahead looks more and more like a death sentence as you swerve through ten ton trucks and RVs. You count the seconds, doing anything, everything to hold back the tidal waves inbound for the shore, and if they crashed you knew you’d collapse against your own pathos. You begin to wonder if she’ll stay long enough to make it to the hospital. 

That’s what you begin to feel the adrenaline begin to pick up. No, no, no! You think as feral animosity begins to set in. I have to go to this hospital and check her in.. I can’t let my emotion compel me to do something stupid again. Where’s the goddamn exit?  You steal a look at the Mcdonald’s billboard hung high and proud for every tourist to see; Come get a Mcmuffin today near exit 121!  It reads. Right, it was 121, and the hospital was at 124, just three more exits and there you’d be.  

You waste no time as the number flashes by. Sparks fly from the tires and the rubber begins to rip as you tear off to the side. There’s honking behind you and the strangled prayers of tired nine-to-fivers in their cars as the sudden motion slows for a brief second. You could see LifeFlight above the trees, slowing to its descent on the roof of Saint Luke’s, where you’d gone when you got a really bad black eye, where the doctors gave you funny gas and you woke up with a headache and her hand in your hair, where you’d hope they’d do one more good thing for you and save this woman from an eternal night. You ignore a few traffic lights and, lucky for you, the parking lot is empty enough to drift into without killing anyone else. You slam the car into park and shove your way to the back seat. 

You know what the next right thing to do is, but something inside wants to cup her face and hold her like that forever. What if I never see you again? What if the blood is on my hands?  You couldn’t bear to wait a second more and yet, now you were hesitating? 

What if this is goodbye? 

Tears fight their way to the surface and you’re trying to blink them away but the blood coating her hands is bringing you back to the reality that this is the end. You grab them, and they’re cold but you don’t know whether it’s the Raynaud’s kicking in or if she’s really gone. Her pulse is weak against your thumbs and you bow your humbled head as you near the eye of this storm. The roar of the city life falls quiet beside you, and your breathing stills. This might be goodbye. Say something! Say anything! Whatever it is, just say it!  You think to yourself. You’ll regret this if you don’t. 

“Sandra, look, I don’t know if you can hear me in there. We used to be rivals. I wanted to win the two hundred so bad when we raced. Track seemed so easy, I had the natural talent from my dad and a knack for work from my mom, but you? You were feral at the starting line, a monster, a warrior.” You pause and softly chuckle at the memory. “I watched you practice one day at the rec center. I was supposed to be lifting but I was hooked because I’d never seen someone work as hard as you. You puked everywhere, laid down to breathe on a broken wrestling mat, but you never stopped until you were done.” You feel her heartbeat slow even more. You’re losing her, and there’s paramedics shuffling over because you’ve never been good at acting like nothing’s wrong, and she’s dying but you’re not done. What was once a whisper begins to escalate into a scream, and your shaking hands slip under her knees and around her back, pulling her chest into yours and hoping your heartbeat is enough to spark hers.

“Sandra, listen to me! You’d work past exhaustion, you’d wake up at five in the morning to get it done, and you wouldn’t stop until that medal was yours. You’ve never let go of any opportunity life has given you, don’t you fucking start now! Sandra, you’re not done! You’ve got a family! You’ve got bills to pay! You’ve got a pool to build!”Her hand falls to the side and you reach over the small of her back to grab it. You practically break her skin with your grip. “You’ve got another race to win, I am not going to watch you lose. Your demons might have bronze arms but you’ve got an iron will, don’t you fucking give up on yourself!” The paramedics have reached you now, assessing the damage and picking her out of your arms into a stretcher. You’re desperate to run after them but you’re held back by two steady arms. It takes everything you have left to restrain yourself from breaking free. You know it’s for the best and it’s killing you that you can’t stand by but she fell to her demons and it was only her who could get her back on two feet. You fall to your knees and the paramedic is trying to calm you down with a shot of some clear liquid but it doesn’t stop the full eruption of your pathos. “Sandra! Stay, stay for me, stay for you! Once a Trojan, always a Trojan! You’re the strongest person I know, you’ve got to prove it now! I love you, I-I’ll prove it, I’ll buy us happy cake when this is over, I’ll watch that dumb El Dorado movie on a loop with you, I’d do anything to make you smile!” A sharp pain emerges from your thigh. The paramedic’s practically stabbing you with the syringe and he’s pushing on the plunger and you feel your mind lurch but you hold on. “I’m not giving up on you. We’re not giving up on you. All we need… is for you… to do the same…” The curtains fall over your eyes as the medicine kicks in and a sea of clouds sweeps you into another world of dreams, as you look down, wondering if it was enough.