Rose and Leo

Regret. Feelings of shame and sorrow immerse my soul. Every day is continuous loop of despair and failure. I often reminisce of simpler times, when regret was non-existent and grief was only a word. Now, it is a feeling that gropes me to my core.

I spend most days living in the shadows, hiding from the scorching light that is the truth, wishing I could somehow alter the past and reverse my horrendous actions. Nostalgia lingers in the back of my consciousness, diminishing any sense of hope or bliss.

Leaving the house is difficult, as fear is stronger than my will to move forward. The shift from the inside of my home to the groggy, outside world, sends chills down my spine, as I am fully aware that I will later have to return and undergo the shift once more. The shift from the groggy, outside world, to the inside of my vacant home is different. My home wasn't always this way. It was just recently, two months ago to be exact, that my home switched from a place of warmth and endearment to a place of remorse and bitterness.

I walk to work now, as I am reluctant to maneuver a vehicle. The last time I did so, I watched my entire life crumble right before my eyes. The walk to work is always painful. The sound of car engines speeding past me into the distance, mixed with the sound of blaring horns and screeching tires bring back awful flashbacks. As I walk to work, I suddenly feel the nostalgia, slowly creeping up from the back of my mind. Then, sorrow takes over, leaving my body numb and frigid. I am unable to move. Suddenly, the air changes, upbringing an atmosphere with a gas-like smell and smoky appearance. As I take deep breaths, I begin to feel my lungs shrink; followed by instant hyperventilation, just moments before I find myself gasping for air. My body from the shoulders down is paralyzed. "HELP!"I scream, hoping someone will come rescue me from this torment. No one came. In that moment, the world fell silent. The silence was so loud that it muffled my call for help. In the distance, I can see a black dot. Unsure of what it is, I call out for help once more. “SOMEBODY HELP ME!”I can see the small black dot, slowly approaching, gliding through the gray, fogged clouds that smothered the earth. With my eyes squinted, I am able to see the dot vividly, exposing its true nature. It was a car. A car that seemed oddly familiar to me. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up, as I feel a sense of guilt, approaching me from the rear at the same speed as the car approaching me from the distance. As the car moves closer, it instantly becomes recognizable to me. It was a 2014, black Toyota corolla, with metallic black rims, just like I remembered it. It was an exact replica of what my car looked like two months ago, before it was submerged underneath the depths of Lake Michigan. 

As the car moves closer, I am able to make out the silhouettes of the driver and the two passengers sitting in the back seat. It wasn't until the car was about 6 meters in front of me that I was able to clearly see the driver of the car. A lump in my throat forms, restricting the small amount of airflow I had left, as I wonder if my eyes are deceiving me. The driver in the car was me. Unwanted memories emerge from my mind, devouring my body with agony. My eyes shift to the two small children sitting in the back seat. Two blissful, untroubled children, unaware of their fate; caused by my senseless actions. Rose and Leo. I lock eyes with Rose. Her hair was a beautiful honey brown bringing out her emerald green eyes. Tears leak from my eyes as I locked eyes with Leo, admiring his tomato red skin and brown freckles. 

The car makes a sudden stop. There I stand, looking myself in the eyes, sending flames of hatred and disgust. The car begins to reverse as the sound of children screaming rises. Rose and Leo. The screams grow louder, piercing my ear drums sending a mind altering, ringing sound through my head. My paralyzed body prohibits me from shielding my ears, all I can do is scream. 

After several moments of excruciating torture, the ringing stops. The world fell silent again as my scream echoed into the abyss. There was no longer any fog and the smell of gasoline faded. My airway chambers open up as I forcefully take deep breaths, grateful that I have escaped the pain that lurks within me. I gain control over my body and I am no longer afraid. 

I snap back into reality, continuing on my path to work. As I walk, guilt rises in my gut and my palms begin to sweat. Everyday I fantasize about life with Rose and Leo. My heart aches for their return, but the awful truth reminds me that there will be no return. It should have been me. My life should have been taken,not theirs. They constantly showed me unconditional love and filled my life with tranquility, something my childhood lacked, something I yearned for and vowed to give to my own children. Now, they are nothing but two souls that left earth too soon. Two angels that soar high and sheild me. Two souls that I miss dearly. Two souls from my past that haunt me. I sometimes feel like they are trying to communicate with me, trying to release me from my pain, but their efforts fail. I still remember everything about them and if I could reverse the past, they would be here still.

I continue on my path to work as if nothing happened. Nonchalant about the entire situation. Just another day in the continuous loop of failure and despair.