A Learning Experience

My parents had always been overprotective throughout my childhood and adulthood, so when I had a crush on a man who was my father's age, I decided to keep my mouth shut.

I will call this man Ryan. Ryan was a teacher, and in the classroom, he was really the best version of himself. He perfectly combined discipline with a genuine concern for his students. But teachers often seem to have dual personalities, much like a performer on stage. For example, if a teacher is extroverted in the classroom, he is more likely to be introverted in real life, and vice versa. Many times, teachers are at their best socially if they are teaching, but outside the classroom, it is pretty much touch and go. Unfortunately, while Ryan had a great personality as a teacher, his personality outside the classroom left a little to be desired.

Ryan and I met because I was considering a career in teaching and wanted to volunteer in a classroom to learn more about it. I admired his ability as a teacher, and his teaching persona was captivating. He was also a very good mentor, and I think that, unwittingly, I became attracted to his persona as teacher and mentor without knowing much about him in the first place.

On a personal level, he is what some might call "complicated." He was attracted to me, but he did not really know what to do with me. He talked to me on the phone, but he did not ask me out on a date. He met me once at a park and walked around with me, but he did not make a move, even though we were by ourselves. He teased me about coming to his house and taking a nap with me, but he did not insist that I come over. When I finally came over (I forget how or why it happened), he did nothing except show me his house. In the end, he said he liked me, but he did not show me.

We finally had a big fight over the phone. I believe it was not long after that when I began to consider other men and realized that I was not very attracted to him anymore. In good conscience, I could not lead him on after that, and I told him I was done.

In retrospect, I believe it was a good experience for me. I understand now that he was never going to take me seriously. He told me a few things about himself that helps explain what happened. Apparently, his parents had a rough marriage, and he admitted that this had soured him on the idea of a permanent relationship. In his twenties, he fell in love with a girl, but she left him and married another man. I get the impression that he was pretty heartbroken about that, and it may have been hard for him to let it go. By the time I met him, he was in his fifties, and he had never been married. I think he had always hoped to be a husband and father someday, but his past experiences held him back. Or he was simply happy being alone.

The insight I gained from this was that I needed a man who demonstrated through his actions that he wanted me and actually hoped to marry me. I did not know it at the time, but Ryan taught me - albeit through the opposite example - that a relationship requires both people to put in the time and effort.

Another thing I noticed, after all was said and done, was that I was pretty bored when I was with him. I think he is an intelligent, competent man, but he was hard to draw out, and he did not spend time trying to draw me out. When we walked at the park, our conversation was not exactly fascinating. Boredom is not a good foundation for a relationship.

Ryan often teased me about spending time with him, and a man who acts coy like a woman is pretty frustrating. He was afraid to make a move or a decision, and his hesitation made him less attractive to me. A confident man is much sexier to me than an indecisive one.

When we had our fight, it was probably over something very stupid, otherwise I would remember it. Now, every couple fights, and there are few issues that a couple cannot overcome when they work together. But our relationship was not strong enough to ensure a comeback from the fight. In reality, we did not have much of a relationship anyway - we had never declared a relationship status. Even so, we could have recovered, but I think we knew deep down that there was not much to recover.

Oddly enough, although people might think age was the biggest factor, I did not feel it made much of a difference. Truthfully, I have met several people happily married to those who are older, but that is a testament to their levels of attraction to each other and ability to handle relationship issues. Age would not have been a problem unless we had made it a problem. The real problem was a simple one: we did not like each other enough to make it work. Sometimes it really is as simple as that. I also think that we may have had too similar temperaments, and instead of balancing each other out, we canceled each other out.

There was a happy ending to this, however. I married a man who was decisive, demonstrated his attraction to me in many ways (and I returned in kind), and took the lead in our relationship. After several years of marriage, I still find him interesting because we complete each other rather than simply resemble each other. We have learned how to recover from fights, and my husband is better at repair work than I am, so I often learn from him. As for Ryan, I have no idea what happened to him, but I hope he is as happy being by himself as he ever was, and perhaps that was the happy ending he needed.

During this time, I told Mom about Ryan after a while, but I did not tell Dad until it was all over. I needed this time to navigate the situation on my own, and frankly, I'm glad I did. I learned more about myself and relationships in general by going through this on my own. When I finally met my husband, my self-knowledge helped me recognize why my husband was right for me.