Why Won't I Hit You?

“You can hit me if you want.” 

My heart felt like it was breaking all over again. I didn’t want to hit this guy. I didn’t even want to come close to it. “No, thank you.” 

“Why not?” 

Why not, indeed. I looked down. Could I trust him to know? Trust him to not give fault and to not make me feel like what I have done was wrong? 

“I’ve been hit before and I don’t want to do that to anyone.” 

“What? Who hit you.” 

There it was. The million-dollar question. The one question that I hate answering and the one that makes me relieve all of those memories all over again. I sighed deeply. Did I really have to answer that? But there he was. His soft eyes egging me on. So I let myself relieve that day. Being pulled back to one fateful day in high school. The bell had rung and my heart sang. I was able to go home. I packed up my things and ran downstairs to talk to my friends who were already huddling around each other. I glanced over to my sister. If I didn’t keep an eye on her, she would leave without me. I had to make sure she didn’t leave me. 

“What about you, Allison?” My head snapped back around. “What are you doing this weekend?” Amy’s voice sounded excited. She already knew she was going to play the new Zelda game. 

“There is another episode of Doctor Who on. I think I’ll watch that.” 

“Ooo, that’s a good episode. You’ll definitely like that.”

“Hey guys,” I half smiled at Noah. My heart racing. I winced thinking about what happened a month ago when he slammed my head against a locker door, laughing his head off. 

“Hey, Noah.” My friends all said at once. I kept quiet. We all exchanged our ideas about what we would do for the weekend and what homework had been assigned to us. I relaxed. I laughed along. I don’t know why we all started to do it but for some reason, we started playfully hitting each other. I joined in. What could be the worse that could happen anyway? I reached out and pushed Noah’s cheek. 

Wack! My heart raced harder. My cheek stung and tears started forming in my eyes. Did Noah just slap me? No, it couldn’t be. And yet it had happened. 

“Please leave,” I said quietly barely even realizing I had said something. 

Noah opened his mouth.

“Go!” 

His face fell as he slowly backed away. I watched him walk down the hallway. He looked back once more before turning the corner no longer from my sight. I broke. Tears fell out of my eyes faster than I wanted them to. I leaned over to my friends who all were quiet. No words were said. All I did was cry. 

“Allison!” my sister called. It was time to go. I quickly nodded to my friends, wiped away my tears, chasing my sister who was already walking away. 

While in the car, my sister talked while I stayed silent. I held my breath making sure that my sister wouldn’t see my tears on my already red cheek. I couldn’t let her know how hurt I felt. Maybe she would make fun of me or maybe she would support me. Either way, I didn’t want her to know. I didn’t want her to see my pain. As soon as we got home, I ran to my room and bawled my eyes out. For the rest of the day, my parents planned an act of revenge that would never take place and wouldn’t make me feel any better about what had conspired. 

The next day, Noah came up to me. I stepped back instinctively, almost afraid to even interact with him. He had hurt me. Was there anything he could do to make me forgive him? 

“So, I went to my dad and I told him what happened. I asked him what I should do and he told me to apologize. So, I’m sorry about what I did. Will you forgive me?” 

Out of all of the things he could have said, the one that would make me not want to forgive him is the one he said. I knew he wasn’t sorry. I knew that he just wanted a quick way to make me feel better. I blew out of my nose in a huff. 

“No.” 

How could one word make me think back to this day over and over? I wouldn’t know but it did. Over that year. Noah switched schools. I never saw him again but what he did weigh on my mind. The only thing that weighed on my mind more was that I never would get the opportunity to forgive him. I would never be able to get that off of my conscious. 

“That’s why I won’t hit you,” I admitted. “I haven’t gotten over that and I don’t think I ever will.” I paused letting the words sink in all of that pain and all the suffering hung in my chest. I felt hurt all over again. “I promised I would never hit anyone because I don’t know what they are going through and what my actions will do to them.” He nodded understandably. I walked away and went back home, the pain still hanging in my chest. 

As I laid on my bed that night, I kept on thinking about Noah. I wondered what he was up to. Did he ever think as much about that day as much as I did? Almost by magic, my phone lit up illuminating the whole room. I turned over, squinting at my phone. It was from Noah. 

"Hey, how have you been? What have you been up to?" 

My cheeks heated up. That’s what he wanted to start with? He wants to act like the past years, I felt nothing? I breathed slowly. No, I had to be friendly. 

"I’m good, thanks for asking. I’ve just been going to school, the usual."

"That’s awesome! What have you been going to school for? Are you still in the same area?" 

When was he going to talk about what happened? My face fell. He wasn’t going to talk about what happened. He was just going to let me suffer. He probably even forgot what happened. I started typing. I was going to feign that I was okay. I wasn’t going to let him know that I wanted to forgive him. My phone pinged before I could press send. 

"I’m sorry we had a falling out. Truthfully, I think about it a lot and I wasn’t in a good place. So I want to apologize for how I behaved in school. I wasn’t the easiest person to be around."

I let out a breath. He apologized? He gave a real apology? Tears from all the hurt he had given me welled up. How long was I letting myself feel this pain? 

“Now is my chance,” I thought. “I can finally forgive him.”

"I think about it a lot too. I knew you weren’t in a good place and I excused your behavior. I do want to say that I forgive you and hope that you have been able to make your life better."'

I sighed. I knew at that moment, I didn’t care if he replied back. I knew that I was now okay. That I could move on. I had forgiven him. 

 "I greatly appreciate you forgiving me. It truly means a lot. I have been working on myself. I’ve been taking medication and it has helped incredibly. I hope things have been going well for you." 

I talked a little bit more with him, catching up on his life before closing my eyes to sleep. I still didn’t know whether I would ever see him again and I don’t think that I would want to see him again, but being able to forgive him after all this time not only gave him a second chance, but I think it gave me one as well.