Maybe I'll Be a Scientist

I didn’t want to come back here. 

I’m 19, I’m a grown adult. I should be able to make my own decisions. Right? But I can’t really do anything if I don’t have a car and giving college another shot is the only way my parents would let me keep it.

So, I’m back. Two weeks early. 

I’d applied to be an RA last year because of the perks. Well, one in particular. I’d get my own room. But, it turns out that living alone might be kind of lonely. 

Good to know. 

My parents weren’t going to drive all the way up here again, there were other children to pay attention to, so I had nobody to help me unpack the Odyssey. I feel like maybe a roommate could’ve been useful in that sort of situation. Double the things to carry, but double the people. Honestly, I just wish someone had been here to open the doors. 

Because now I’m sweaty. And tired. And the last thing I want to do is sit outside with a bunch of strangers, but the empty white walls in my room are starting to drive me insane. 

So, I walk outside. 

The sun is setting, but the summer heat still hangs heavy in the air. There’s a volleyball court tucked right up against Dekker Hall and, because it’s the only one on campus, all of my future coworkers seem to have gathered around it.

Only a few people are actually playing while everyone else is sitting in the grass, talking and laughing and acting like they’ve been friends for years. 

To be fair, some of them have. 

I slowly (as not to draw too much attention to myself) make my way over to the one of the few people I sort of know here. 

“You’re here!” Orla shouts, blowing my cover. She hops up, grabs my arm, and pulls me over to Alex — she was our RA last year, who is clearly busy having a conversation. She’s sitting in a circle with four or five people that I don’t even vaguely recognize. 

“Alex,” Orla says, not seeming to mind that she might be interrupting something. “She’s here!”

Alex laughs and gives me an apologetic smile. “I can see that.” 

“We weren’t sure you’d show up.” 

“Orla,” Alex says, her face somehow conveying even more pity for me than before. 

“It’s ok,” I say. “I wasn’t sure I would either.” I really wasn't. Even with all the threats, I didn't know if it'd be worth it. Freshman Year sucked, to say the least, and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. And college feels like an exorbitantly expensive place to figure that out.

“Do you guys wanna join us?” Alex asks.

“That’s ok,” I say, but people are already scooting over and Orla has sat down, so it’d probably be rude if I just left. 

I sit down next to a girl with short, dark brown hair. She’s wearing a faded black t-shirt with cuffed sleeves, black leggings, and worn, gray, high-top Vans. She smells like flowers and grass. Ok, most of that might just be the ground, but it’s nice. 

She turns slightly toward me and smiles, I’m not sure why, but she’s got a good smile. A good face. Damn it, is that weird?

Why am I being so weird?

Alex clears her throat. “Ok, so most of you already know Orla, except Brian, maybe. Brian,” she says, gesturing, “this is Orla. She and Collier were my residents last year. Collier, this is Brian, Devi, Robin, and Maisie.”

“Cool name,” Robin says. “Nice to meet you!” 

“Thanks,” I say, blood rushing to my face. I’m blushing, I can feel it, but not because I’m flattered, but because I’m overwhelmed. This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen. “Nice to meet you guys too.”

I do my best to fade into the background while people start talking again and, after a while, people start leaving. Soon, it’s just Maisie and I. 

I could’ve left with Orla, I should’ve, but, for some reason, I felt like staying. 

Maybe it’s because the sun has finally set and there’s a soft breeze carrying away the worst of the heat that was sticking around. Or because Maisie’s presence is forming a knot in my stomach that I’m not ready to start untangling. 

Who knows.

“So,” Maisie says. “I’ve got a super unique and interesting question.” 

“Go for it,” I say. 

“Seriously, it might be too much.” She must notice the flash of panic on my face because she quickly adds, “Kidding. Sorry. I was just gonna ask what you’re majoring in.” 

I laugh a little, not sure why I feel so relieved. Not sure why I felt so nervous in the first place. “I actually don’t know.”

She nods and starts running her fingers through the grass. “Valid, I’m already questioning my choices. But, we’ve still got time to figure it out. Is there anything you’re leaning towards?”

“Kind of?” I say. “I started as a psych major, but realized very quickly that that’s not for me. But I took a couple writing classes that seem cool, so maybe something like that? Writing isn’t exactly a super lucrative or stable career choice, though. What about you?”

“I’m doing Art Ed, so same.” 

“I mean, teaching is a normal job. Like, not lucrative, but potentially stable. Right?”

“True, but I’m also realizing that it might not be for me. The teaching part, at least. I like art, but…” 

“Yeah, I get that. Has anything else felt like a better fit?”

“Well, I’m probably gonna stick with art to some extent, but I took Bio 104 last fall and it was super interesting. I’ve never thought of myself as a science person, but maybe I could be.” 

“Oh, shit. Same. The big lecture hall, yeah?”

“Yeah!”

“I don’t remember the professor’s name, but she was cool as hell. Honestly, I had a huge crush on her.” 

“Me too!” Maisie says, blushing. 

The knot in my stomach tightens and expands, pressing against my lungs. I’m nervous again. I didn't think Maisie was straight — I mean, her hair, but I didn’t want to assume. I’ve met other queer people, I’ve dated girls (well, girl, singular), but this all still feels so new. I still spend so much time feeling alone. So much time assuming I'm alone.

“I’m glad I wasn’t the only one,” I say, forcing myself to breathe.

“Same,” she says.

We sit in silence for a while, and it's nice. I'd probably stay here all night, if I could. But I should probably start thinking about picking a new major.

Who knows, maybe I'll be a scientist.