Witness to My Life

As the first light of day eased itself through the mist, I no longer noticed the slight chill in the air. Winter was closing its doors as we slowly started to move into spring. But still we sat there, wrapped together in a woolen blanket I had received when my grandfather had passed away. It was magical. Not just the sunrise. Not just the night before, but the events that had led up to this. Well, mostly magical. That was what my mind was allowing me to see at this time. The good times. I glanced over at him, blinked, and then looked back out to sea. This was the farthest north we could get; I believed in a way it was signifying that it was the highest we could get. My first trip away with a man. It was beautiful. 

I had met him four years prior; we had gotten along well as friends. And then years later, he saw a photo of me, and we got back into contact. Neither of us intended anything more to happen, but we fell for each other, and much to the vain attempts of my parents at keeping me from him, I had moved out of their home so that I would be free to see him and have a normal relationship. It had been up and down, with the stress of people not wanting this relationship to form, so much so that there were times I had to fight not only them, but him. Yes, there were times when he professed to not wanting it, simply due to the fact that it was causing so much upset in my family. So he may not have shared our beliefs, but at the young age of 22 years, I could not see what the issues were. I could not see what my parents could. So I moved out, and as I sat watching the waves crash under the rising sun, I was rather satisfied that I had done so, for if I had not, I would not be sitting here watching the sun shine on the place where the two oceans meet. I had given up a lot, more than anyone would understand, but right now, it felt as though it was worth it all. 

His eyes shone, their light brown shade sparkling as he took in our surroundings. We had driven through the night after my father had shown up at his house, and finding me there, caused a commotion. When my father had left, I was furious; I went to the place where I was "boarding" (although my possessions were there, I believe I only ever stayed there twice), packed a bag, sped back to his place and announced that we were going. My best friend from high school was turning 21 this weekend, and she was also due to give birth any day now. He had called his cousins to arrange a place to stay, and we drove. And even though we reached our intended destination, we continued to drive. All through the night. Through the coldness, and the darkness, and the mist. To this. 

He smiled as we moved around the beach, and finally he took me in his arms. 

"I know we have been seeing each other for almost a year now anyway, but I was wondering, would you officially be my girlfriend?" My heart leapt; I ignored a little voice in my head and a slight movement in my stomach, and I kissed him happily. 

As we got back in the car and began our journey back, I sang along to a song, "Good morning, Mr Sunshine. You brighten up my day....." He was asleep within minutes, a smile on his lips. My world was perfect.

It had taken us four hours to make it to his cousins, what with our little sightseeing stops along the way. His family were lovely; they all wanted to see him, and to meet me. 

"This is my girlfriend, Layla", is how he introduced me . His third official. I suppose they were wondering if this was it finally. I sat gazing at him over the kitchen bench of his eldest cousin's home. They were all drinking, and laughing, and sharing memories; I was laughing along, picturing him getting up to these antics as a youngster. 

I had one glass of wine, but I don't drink, and besides, I was tired from driving over 600km in less than 24 hours. To be fair, I was struggling to keep my eyes open. I was laughing at something his cousin's husband said; my eyes shifted back to him and I had to blink. I must have been very tired because his eyes looked darker than normal, very dark. He just stared at me, and he wasn't laughing like the rest of them. I gave him a smile and I'm sure I saw him frown briefly before he turned his attention back to his family. 

We had all moved into the lounge and suddenly, he had that look again. He stood up abruptly and motioned to me. I went over, still smiling at him. 

"Let's go." That was all he said. I nodded. 

"Yes please, I'm keen for bed; I'm so tired!" And with that he started to walk out. I turned to his cousins who were all watching silently. "Well, thank you for a lovely night, it was great to meet you all! Time for bed though!" I said with a laugh. They all agreed, some commenting on the amount of driving we had just done. We were seen to the door, and as I put on my shoes, I took his hand, smiling goodbye. 

The door was shut behind us as we descended the stairs and he pulled his hand from mine. My stomach knotted; something wasn't right. Even though he had been drinking, he drove. He refused to let me drive, taking no heed to my protestations. We left their street, and I had no idea where we were, though he seemed to know where he was going. And so he should, he had grown up in this town. Once again it was very dark out, but I realised as I looked over at him, not as dark as his eyes. I began to talk, thinking I would lighten the mood. 

And all he could spit out was, "You were looking at him. Your eyes, I was watching them! You're so dumb aren't you? You don't think I wasn't watching you tonight? With all my cousins there!" I was so taken aback; I did not know where this was coming from, but his eyes grew darker, and he kept going. A mixture of tiredness and confusion. I couldn't make sense of what he was saying. 

"You were giving him those eyes! Well why don't you just go to bed with him then?!" He was yelling now, and driving to who knows where. 

"I haven't even slept with you, so why would I do that?" My mind was no clearer, but I was getting angry now because this was ridiculous. And still he kept going! It wasn't long before I was in tears, asking to go home. 

"What, drive all the way home at this time? Another two hours, after we've already been driving since last night? Na. And I don't want to go home." I had never heard him like this. Never heard him this angry, this absurd.

"OK, well this is my car, and I want to go home. How about if we drop you at your cousins and then I can go home by myself?" I was trying to be reasonable.

"No! We came up here together and that's what we are doing. Staying together." And then the accusations started again. He had stopped in the middle of the road down a quite cul-de-sac. I had had enough. I unlocked my door.

I thought I was quick, but I had to untangle myself from the same blanket beneath which we had sat as one admiring the beginning of this day. And he was quicker. I was almost out the door when he grabbed me. And pulled. Hard. He was yelling at me, no, growling, as he yanked me back into the car. And not into my seat. Just back. I hit my head on something on the way down. He reached across me, pulled my door closed, locked it, and suddenly his hand was on my face, but not in a loving way. It was there accompanied by a loud noise caused by the impact, and then, it was gone. 

She slowly stepped out of the car, into the sphere of light cast by the street lamp at end of the driveway. Dazed, she followed him into the house. He didn't go and tell his cousins they had come in. He just went straight to the room set up for them. Two single beds. She was slightly relieved. She didn't even undress, she just fell onto the farthest bed and breathed, just breathed. It was a long time before either of them spoke. 

"Hey. Layla? Come here." Quietly she got off her bed and turned to stand by his. The light from outside shone through a crack in the curtains. She could see him smiling gently as he took her hand, easing her onto his bed. Unsure, she lay down, and waited as he tucked the blankets over her. She was still shaking slightly. He held her. He held her the same way he had held her on the beach that same morning. They lay there like that for a moment, and then he arched his face down and kissed her. At first she didn't kiss him back, but she felt his energy change. Survival instincts made her force a response. And as he gently pressed her head beneath the covers, there was no room for flight. And when you are with a trained kick boxer, there was no point in a fight. Her face stung as the tears rolled over the raw bruise that was developing. But silently, she did what he wanted. It was better that way. She learned that very quickly. 

And the next day, she learned how to make excuses. His cousins didn't know her, so they believed her. She was very quiet as she politely thanked them for having her, that it was nice to have met them, and hopefully see them again soon. They were none the wiser.

 But as she visited her friend in hospital, cuddling the beautiful new born, the excuses were accepted, but not believed. Not for a moment. But it would be another three years before she would know. So he sat by her side, smiling and laughing as if nothing had happened, listening to the two girls cooing over the baby. 

He became good at acting. She became good at make-up. And lying. She would watch as girls eyed him up, and he returned the looks, and then accused her of doing so. She would take the blows that came after the alcohol was consumed. And she would take the blows that would come even after there was no alcohol. She would take the blows physically for a while. And when those stopped, she would take the mental and emotional blows. The words that hurt deeper than any fist in the stomach did, the looks that cut off air quicker than any hands around the throat ever did, and the lies and betrayals that caused more aching than being made to sleep on the floor had. People asked why she didn't just leave.

"You can't, even if you wanted to," she would say. "They tell you to go, and when you do go, they won't let you leave. And it was safer to be there knowing, than not there and not knowing. And even after the physical stopped, you believe that things can change, that things are getting better." Layla continued to love him, to sacrifice for him. She held tight to that morning on the sand, the peace in his eyes, the calm before the storm.

"I knew something wasn't right. But I also had this feeling that I shouldn't ask in front of him. And that day that you randomly phoned me in tears, and told me a few things? It made me think back to when you came and saw me in hospital. That was the first time, wasn't it?" Coco asked, her little girl now five and a half years old, patting one of the horses in the stables as her mother was deep in conversation. 

"Yeah, that was the very first time. I didn't even recognise it for what it was!" I said to my best friend as we walked through the stables where I both lived and worked. 

"I just can't believe that you were with him for six years all up! Like I know the physical stopped, but then the way he was with you in general." My friend's face was both agonized and astounded. I just nodded in reply. I recalled how I use to feel, that I would rather have gone through the physical again than to be lied to the way I was, and to hear the degrading things he would say, like I was never good enough. It takes something different out of you. 

"Oh look, here he comes now!" I felt my face blush a little as I motioned over my friend's shoulder. She let out a little squeal of excitement. She looked at my reddening face as he started our way, and let out a laugh.

"You know, its so good to have you back. For so long now you haven't been yourself. Since you came and saw me that weekend up north something had changed. Its like you had died, like I didn't even know you."

"Its like I didn't know myself anymore, like I was watching my own life from somewhere else."

 "But now I have the old you back, the real Layla, the Layla I knew in high school!" Coco smiled that cheeky smile that had made us friends in the first place, and I nodded.

"And you know why? Because I listened to your text that said 'Give him a year, but in the mean time, don't miss out if something better comes along!" Together we looked into the green eyes of my bosses son.

Coco winked at me. "And its here!"