In Love With the "Perfect" Girl

"I didn't have a choice!" Rose yelled at me from across the street.

It was raining on a Friday afternoon after a dance practice. Rose did dance for the school, and I worked as stage crew for the play that was in a few months. We met up after play practice and dance practice. It was about five hours after another argument at lunch, apparently neither of us had gotten over it.

The argument was over Rose's stupid boyfriend, Myles. He is your stereotypical "peaked in high school" guy. Quarterback, handsome, and beautiful girlfriend. We were arguing over whether or not she should be with Myles or not. She's too good for him but she doesn't think so.

"Didn't have a choice?" I exclaimed with terror,"you know who also didn't have a choice me! I didn't have a choice of being in love with you!"

"In love?"

I gasped. I'm so stupid, I thought to myself,"No I didn't. But I guess being 'in love' with Myles wasn't a choice for you either."

She looked away to wipe her tearing, brown eyes. She looked back with remnants of tears still in her eyes, her beautiful, now glistening, dark brown eyes. I couldn't stand to see her like this, but she knows that. She knows that I've been in love with her but her not in love with me.

Rose is a great girl with the perfect life, good looks, dance captain of the school, and "handsome" boyfriend, I just don't fit in her pristine plan. I guess she really doesn't have a choice. I guess it was just casual, me and her. Laughing on the swingset of the kindergarten playground when we were 5. Sharing secrets with each other at our sleepovers at 9. And finally having the courage to come out to her at 15.

But I guess her being "not gay just bi" doesn't mean anything to her. She's just a girl, a girl that doesn't love you, I tell myself for the millionth time since i've woken up this morning. Us kissing in the back of her car, going on "dates", and us having sex, it all is nothing thanks to her stupid, fucking boyfriend. I tried to be the relief to her stressful life that has to be perfect. But none of it matters, I don't matter, at least not to her.

"Well," I began to talk again,"I guess I don't matter to you anymore."

"No, Heather!"

I had already turned away, I had already started running. Away from her. Away from her perfection. I thought I could be the one imperfect thing in her life, but I guess not. I guess her life has to stay perfect.

I ran, and ran, and ran until I couldn't anymore. I couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't be stopped. I loved her, but clearly she didn't love me. She would never love me.

Out of breath, I made it to my car and got in. This is just how it has to be, I tell myself. Gripping the steering wheel, I slammed my head against the top of it, tears streaming down my face. I hate her, except I don't. I would hate to hate her, because I love her.

Tap, tap, tap went the glass of my car. It was Rose.

"Heather," she said muffled from the outside,"open up."

"No," I said head still on the steering wheel,"I don't matter to you, remember."

"You do matter, I just," she sighed,"I just need to talk to you."

After contemplating my whole life and whether it was a lie or not, I unlocked the car doors so she could get into the passenger seat. I refused to look up at her when she got in. I couldn't stand to look at her lying face. I thought she loved me too, but I guess I'm just stupid. She could never love me.

"I need to tell you something. It's something that I've been keeping from you for a while," Rose said while putting her hand on my shoulder,"I, I don't know how else to say this but I'm not," she sighed again, "I'm not bi. I'm gay."

I looked up at her,"What?"

"Yeah, and as much I want to be out and proud, I just can't be. My parents want me to be straight, and that's something I don't have a choice over. I would choose you in every lifetime, including this one, but unfortunately I can't. I can't because I love you too much."

"But, what about Myles?" I couldn't help but to rethink everything that ever happened between us. Every hug since kindergarten, every kiss since 7th grade, and everytime we have had sex since 9th grade.

Why is she telling me this now? Why not before? And why would she lie about liking Myles? Just why?

"If you are worried about me loving him, I-I don't," she took a breath to recollect herself from the brink of destruction,"I just have to pretend. Do you know how hard it is? No, because your parents don't expect the best from you," she took another second to stop yelling at me,"so yes you do matter, and yes I do love you, but I can't right now."

"I'm sorry for yelling at you Rose." I apologized to her. I can't believe how ignorant and self centered I've been,"please forgive me, I acted out of line an-" I was interrupted by my face being grabbed by Rose.

"Heather," she sighed and then kissed me,"I forgive you, it's me who should be apologizing. I haven't been honest with you. I should have told you this from the day we met, but, I love you. Always have. Always will. And it's because I love you that I have to keep you as a secret, as just my best friend."

"Oh Rose,"I grabbed her hands that were still cradling my face,"of course I forgive you, it's just that, you should have told me sooner," still holding her hands, I pulled them towards my mouth to kiss them gently,"I love you too."

The words I had been dying to hear since I was 5 were finally said. The words I would have killed for her to say once, were finally said to me, and of course it was when we were both in the front of my car, crying a mess. Even though it may have seemed messy and imperfect, it was actually the most perfect day of my life. It fit the mold Rose had been shaping for 12 years, ever since we met on the playground when we were 5.