A GRAVE DILEMMA

Anna felt that she should go to Brian’s funeral even though it might mean meeting his wife: who could she say she was? She had read about his death in the local newspaper: ‘ Local businessman dies after long illness.’ She told her husband that she was going to the funeral of an old schoolfriend: he offered to accompany her if she wanted. She thanked him but declined his offer. His kindness made her feel guilty but she couldn’t tell him the truth. At the service beforehand she stayed near the back and, looking around, didn’t recognise anyone. She listened to the many tributes being paid to Brian – his dedication to his family, his devotion to his wife, his unerring judgement in business matters, his voluntary work since he retired – and remembered back to their summer together all those years ago.  She and Brian had planned to leave their respective spouses and live somewhere far away – what a crazy notion that seemed now!  Their passion had burned itself out by the time he had decided that he couldn’t leave his family – his wife, yes: his children, no. Anna had been devastated when he admitted this to her and, in her distress, had threatened to tell his wife which finished it as far as Brian was concerned. Now here she was all these years later listening to a eulogy about how wonderful a husband he had been – how faithful and loyal, how trustworthy and constant. She smiled to herself thinking of the Brian she knew, the Brian who took chances, the Brian who made love to her in the sand dunes during a time he was on holiday with his family at the coast and he had made some excuse to them and met her for an illicit hour; the Brian who organised an overnight stay in a cheap and obscure hotel in a small town not too far away; the Brian who would risk meeting her at lunchtime when they were both working in the city even though he might bump into one of his colleagues. Oh, yes, she knew that Brian all right!

After they had finished up at the end of that summer she had been so distressed that she sought professional help. She found a psychotherapist  (they were called counsellors back then) and poured out her woes to the very kind and attentive woman in a small room in the city. She didn’t want to attend someone who lived locally, that is, in the suburbs where she might meet up with her inadvertently in the supermarket or the hairdresser: it was better to see someone whom she was unlikely to come across in the course of her daily life. Lesley (the kind woman) listened to Anna’s story and sometimes – but not often – commented on what Anna had said, reflecting Anna’s own questions back and enabling Anna to hear what was really coming out. Gradually Anna’s pain eased as she realised what a fantasy herself and Brian had built up, what an unreasonable world they had planned for themselves. She felt bad then about her own husband, the ever-patient Johnny, and their two dogs. She and Johnny didn’t have children so she was never able to understand Brian’s devotion to his. Lesley helped her to see how Brian’s feeling about his children was actually a very positive quality in his character instead of what Anna had perceived as a ‘stumbling-block’ in their relationship. After many angry, tearful and emotional sessions she recovered and got her peace of mind back. She deleted Brian’s phone number and devoted more time to Johnny. 

After the service she debated whether or not to go to the graveyard and decided to go mainly out of curiosity. She realised that she wanted to see what Brian’s wife looked like, what sort of person her ‘rival’ all those years ago had turned into now. She had seen photographs of her which Brian had shown her (she had asked) and also photos of his three daughters.  She reckoned that the daughters would look very different now after all these years but his wife might still be recognisable, she’d be roughly the same age as Anna who was now sixty. How fast those twenty years had flown! She had been just forty when she met Brian, he was forty-five then. She had never bumped into him again despite the fact that they both lived quite near to each other. Sometimes she wished that they had come across each other by accident but she never felt the temptation to get in touch with him again: she reckoned that it wouldn’t be good for either of them. Also she didn’t want to overlay the fond memories that she had of their time together with new ones that mightn’t be as loving. She had seen his picture in the local paper some years ago which stated underneath: ‘Well-known businessman retires early.’ She went on to read that he was retiring due to ill-health and was now going to devote his time to volunteering in the community. His photograph in the newspaper showed a man much thinner than she remembered Brian to be but maybe that was due to illness. His face was lined and his hair was thinning but that would be quite normal for a man of his age: otherwise he looked the same. She felt nothing when she saw the newspaper photo – no emotional pull, no old stirring of feelings. She was glad of this, she would have hated if there was still any connection to her emotions of that time before. In her mind she wished him well: she certainly hadn’t imagined that she’d be at his funeral only five years later!

As the small crowd filed out of the building after the service she thought she saw someone she knew. It couldn’t be, could it? It couldn’t possibly be Lesley after all these years! But, yes, it was Lesley, it couldn’t be anyone else – same hair (now grey) tied back in the same bun, same dark eyes, same hunched shoulders – she must be about seventy now. She was walking alongside another woman who was about Anna’s age and holding the other woman’s elbow with her hand. As the crowd gathered outside Anna saw that everyone was huddled around this woman and she guessed that the woman was Brian’s wife. The woman was flanked by three younger women – Brian’s daughters? – and three young men. She found herself being carried along by the crowd and suddenly she was standing face-to-face with Brian’s wife. She introduced herself as ‘an old colleague’ and gave her name.  Brian’s wife thanked her for coming and then – horror of horrors! – turned to Lesley and said: “Allow me to introduce Lesley who has been so helpful to me during Brian’s illness and his last days.” Lesley looked directly at Anna and both of them knew who the other one was immediately. Lesley said: “Pleased to meet you, Anna,” without any hint of recognition in her voice and then turned back to Brian’s wife. Anna moved away with the crowd and, feeling a great sense of relief, went back to where she had parked the car. She had already decided to skip the graveyard.