Crossroads

Two routes lie before me.

Two different lives lie before me.

How do I choose?

Both paths are guaranteed to bring me happiness, growth, freedom. There are pros and cons, known and unknown to each. I guess it ultimately depends on what I truly want out of life.

But what do I truly want?

To feel successful, that's a given. Both will give me that in one way or another.

To feel part of something bigger and better than myself. Technically both will give that to me as well. One more than the other, but I am still hesitant. Why? Why is it so difficult to make the choice?

Because this is my entire life.

Because each path will have different mountains to climb, different paths where I will struggle, moments I will experience a pure and complete joy that I never believed possible. Each path will bring me to another crossroads where I will have yet another choice to make, I know this from prior crossroads I have had to choose. Each path will lead me to different places, events, opportunities, friendships, love, heartbreak.

Why is this such a dilemma?

Because once I choose, I can't go back. I can't let myself look back and wonder "what if?" I have in the past, and it only has made this decision harder. What if, I had stayed. What if I had walked away. What if I had passed that class, or not tried something new, or turned down the opportunity.

What if?

I take in a deep breath and close my eyes in an attempt to calm my racing thoughts and anxieties. Logically, working myself up over this doesn't help anything. It only delays me. Time doesn't stop for my indecision. He keeps on moving forward at his rapid pace, a warning that if we wait too long we will be behind.

But behind in what? Why does time encourage us, pressure us to hurriedly make our decisions? To look to others who have passed us on the way and tell ourselves: "I should be where they are at. If only I hadn't made that choice back when."

"If only"

I close my eyes tighter and press the palms of my hands into them.

If only is worse than the what if. It brings with it the overwhelming feelings of regret, the mental gymnastics of berating oneself for doing something we wish we hadn't. Of listening to someone encourage us on a certain path, of worrying too much about what everyone else thinks, of not worrying enough only to be faced with heartache so intense that you feel you can't breathe. The moments I have had to account for my poor decisions flood my memory and I want to shrivel away.

So much shame accompanies "If only". Shame is sneaky, he acts like your friend only for you to regularly realize you are doing all the work of carrying him. He is heavy. He weighs you down. He convinces you others on this road are not willing to be your friends because of what happened "back there". Despite plenty of evidence around you that says otherwise, you believe him.

I am now on my knees, heart beating rapidly all while taking in trembling breaths.

Others make it look so easy. Why am I struggling with this?

Comparison whispers in my ear that it's because everyone else makes it look so easy. I am so pathetic for not letting it be as easy. I need to be more carefree, more "water off a ducks back" about things.

But I'm not. Why not? I can't answer that question.

I look down the two paths again. Two paths, seemingly similar but both hold different things for me. What will be different I can't be sure. I wish I was, it would make this easier.

I squint and see him walking ahead down one path. If I don't follow him, he will look down on me, I will lose him. He has called back to me telling me how silly I am being, how illogical. The other path is stupid, I should be going down the same one he is.

"You are smarter than this." he had said.

I shake my head in another attempt to clear my thoughts. I will lose him anyway, he told me he has other plans for his path, and I am not good enough anymore to be included in them. But OH! I long to be there beside him. He has reached out with his words, and simultaneously brought me to my knees with them as well.

I am weak, just like he said. He is strong - that is what makes us different.

I am weak. I am worthless. You will never be good enough. The words race through my head on replay.

I look towards him again, longing for him and disgusted at myself.

Then, I pause. I feel someone near me, a strength that I cannot see, but I feel near me. A voice I hear whisper:

"You ARE good enough. You are beautiful. This decision you face isn't life or death. It is your life. It is your story. You are in control of what happens and no matter what you will be happy. Why? Because the past is behind you, you learned from it, you grew from it. You are wiser because of it. This decision, like past decisions, are not the end. More choices lie ahead. The future holds so much happiness, and it does not matter which path you choose. But YOU must be the one to choose it. Not out of fear, not out of peer pressure, but because you want it. You know enough about both paths, now take the first step because you have arrived here at this point for a reason."

I feel strengthened by the encouragement of this voice. Because it isn't like the others traveling around me who tell me I am good enough. This is different in a way that I cannot explain.

I wipe my eyes and shakily stand up, wiping the dust from the road off my knees. I take one more deep breath and look at both paths. Analyze them both for one final moment.

I shake Shame from off my back, and for a moment shoo comparison away.

I look away from the man I once loved, but who doesn't love me.

Two routes.

Two lives.

Two different outcomes.

Then I make my choice.

I feel it's the right one.