The Hazel Diary

"Finally I get to go away from you", she laughed. “Yeah,finally!” I said with as much fake enthusiasm I could build in my voice. “Bye”, she mumbled and started walking, probably hiding her tears like me. “Bye”, I almost yelled. I always yell when things don’t work like I want them to. 

I yelled at her the first day we met. I recognized her the moment I saw the hazel diary in her hand, similar to mine. I didn’t want anything from my past to ever show up. I had finally moved on. A new place, a new life and far away from people I could hurt. Don’t get me wrong, I loved her. But, I didn’t want to ruin her life as well. 

I yelled at her when she forcefully entered my place and started adjusting her things besides mine. I kept asking myself why was she even here? Why would a successful lawyer beg to stay with a ruthless mafia? She could have so much better than what she was having with me. But, she decided to stay with me.

I yelled at her when she tried to interfere in my business and got herself in trouble. I didn’t want her to pay the price for my actions. I didn’t want to lose another human I loved. I couldn’t see her tied up and asking for help miserably. But this time when she pushed herself into my arms, I didn’t stop her. In fact, I pulled her harder and that’s when I realized that I might want her to stay.

I yelled at her when she took out my hidden paintings and said, “ Hey, that lady looks like me!” pointing to one of the paintings. “ You aren't that beautiful”, I scoffed. But, deep down I knew that they were the same emerald-green eyes in my painting that glowed in front of me at that moment. 

I yelled at her when she asked questions about my work. I knew this would come up one day and I would be left with nothing to say. But I told her the truth. I revealed everything about my work because I thought that she would regret staying with me and finally leave. But instead, that made her stay longer with me. She made me leave all the dirty work and promised to stay until I was financially settled.

I yelled at her when she paid all of my due rents. I didn’t want her to do anything more for me. I wanted us to fall apart. But every time I tried doing so, we just came closer.  She kept saying that she felt a weird bond between us. Something that always drew her towards me. I feared she had recognized me as well.

I yelled at her when she put up an exhibition to sell my paintings. After all, they would have been my only memories of the love of my life. But she actually surprised me when she returned empty handed. When I asked her about my paintings, she handed me a bag full of cash. Truth to be told, I felt my worth that day.

I yelled at her when she booked two tickets to Paris. But frankly, it was the best trip I have ever had. Or shall I say, the only trip I have ever had. She took me to all the places I had only imagined going to. She didn’t leave my hand.  Neither at the beaches nor at the museums nor on the top of  the Eiffel Tower. At that time, I wished I would have never left her at all.

I yelled at her when I saw her on the hospital bed. I swear I skipped a heartbeat when I saw her fractured leg. But when she told me that she couldn’t listen to the car honking because of the high volume of her headphones, I nodded my head with disgrace wondering why she had to acquire her father’s traits?

I yelled at her everytime she brought up her father. I didn’t want to discuss a person who destroyed both our lives. Sometimes, she would cry to me while talking about her parents. I could do nothing but lower my head down in shame because a part of me knew that I was myself the reason behind her tears.

I yelled at her when she told me that she had to leave. I wanted her to do that ever since we met. But by now, she had become a habit. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. I didn’t want to be selfish, so I pretended to be the happiest person on this planet.

I yelled at myself internally for not telling her the truth, as I pushed everyone on my way out of the airport. I started walking to the taxi stand when I heard her voice.  I thought it was just my head playing tricks on me.“Papa!” I could hear her voice again. I looked behind and there she was. I didn’t care why she was back. The only thing I couldn’t digest at that time was how could she know?

“You know, I had a deep thought and I realized that only one person who can eat pineapple pizza, bite nails and do worthless arguments like me is you!” she mocked. “ Just cut the crap and tell me the truth”, I said impatiently because curiosity was killing me.

She took out the hazel diary from her bag and handed it over to me. “Page 57 and page 58 , it has both of our possible addresses. My luck worked and I found you at the first place itself”,she said with a smug look on her face. “ Now my question is that, did you not bother looking for me or did you simply just didn’t read mom’s journal?” she questioned with raised eyebrows.

“ Would you have read something whose first 30 pages mentioned everything that’s bad about you?” I asked rhetorically and we burst into laughter. “ Although, I regret not reading it right now”, I said holding her hands in mine. “ You should”, she chuckled.

“By the way, wasn’t this thing that you were supposed to go for important?”, I asked her as she hopped inside the cab. “I’m your daughter. Do you really think I have somewhere important to go to? This was a plan.” she giggled. 

“Ah! Looks like I gifted you a great sense of humour”, I said copying her smug look. “Well, the book says otherwise”, she laughed, eyeing at the hazel diary.