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(note: The word "penis" is used once in this story.)
Le Veintidos de enero, 2025
Dear diary. I have set it upon myself to be a virgin at 40. I got the idea a few years ago when I saw the Steve Carrell film 40 Year Old Virgin. In the film, Steve plays a man who has never had sex his entire life. His 40th birthday has just passed and he’s wondering what he’s going to have to do to achieve his maleficent goal of “getting laid.” I was like his character in that I was just never able to “seal the deal.” I want to make it to 40 without having sex. This would change everything.
Le Vingt-trois Janviere, 2025
Dear diary. I was looking back at my family history. I just passed my 38th birthday. When my dad was 38, he was moving from homeless shelter to homeless shelter, on welfare, with 3 young children. When my mom was 38, she was living in a battered women’s shelter with four young children. Even as an avowed atheist, I thank God every day that he didn’t allow me to end up like that. I’m not so certain, but I believe that I may have outperformed both of my parents.
January 26th, 2025
I can’t keep up the foreign-language dates for too long. I’m still a little rusty. Speaking of rusty, I’ve just met the woman of my dreams. She just moved into my building three days ago. She walked right up to me and just said hello. She’s the woman of my dreams. I’ve never met a woman who makes me feel the way that she does. I want to tell her how I feel, but I don’t know how.
Le Veintinueve de enero, 2025
Dear diary. Maybe I was a little hasty yesterday. Empires have been won and lost on the whim of love at first sight. I don’t even know this woman. We barely met. She’s quite popular around the building. Some guys a lot cooler and more popular than me are “sliding into her DM,” slow to speak. I probably don’t stand a chance. I guess we can be friends. I know that I said I wanted to be a virgin at 40, but I can’t pass this up, not without a fight. Maybe there’s a place for me in her heart. I’ll never know unless I try.
February 3rd, 2025
Dear diary. She up and kissed me yesterday. Full on the lips! I had never been kissed by a woman on the lips before! That was the most surprising thing that happened to me all year. Of course, it’s only the beginning of February, but I would love to just soak it in for a moment. I’ve found a love and she loves me. I am so happy. Maybe we can, you know, seal the deal? I would love to find out what “it” feels like. Though I’ve been able to think about it, that doesn’t replace “doing the deed.” I’ll keep you posted.
Le Neuf de febrero, 2025
Dear diary. She hates me. I know it! She hates me. I invested all my time, energy, and love into this relationship! I sacrificed my entire future for her! And this is how she repays me? She hates me! And over what, one simple extra Corpuscle Jacket that I had left over from dinner? I can’t believe this. Love’s labors lost, as Shakespear would have said. I can’t believe that I’ve lost my only love so quickly. I’d be ashamed for her if she tried to make amends after something as dastardly and silly as this!
Le Dix de Février, 2025
Dear diary. Oh, the pain and anguish. Be still, my heart. For it is betwixt the sheets of death and dying, from which there be no reprieve, that…Look, she hates me, okay? I can’t believe love could be so harsh. I’d given her everything – my heart, my soul, my life, my future – and now it’s over. How could she be so ungrateful? That’s it; I’m most definitely going to be a virgin at 40 now. Come hell or high water! I’m so glad that I got to express myself in such a way. I just thought I’d get the thought out there. You know. See if it sticks?
L’Onze de febrero, 2025
Dear diary. She likes me! She really, really likes me! When I tell you this story, you’ll swear that I made it up. I was walking through the hall of my apartment building when who should I see? It was her! Yes, her! And she was walking with her new boyfriend. But that’s not the best part. The best part was that when she saw me, she winked! She winked! Can you believe that? I’m so in love that I could get her named tattooed on the head of my penis and it wouldn’t even hurt!
La Treize de Février, 2025
Dear diary. Do you smell that? I’ve been smelling this terrible smell all day. At first, I thought it was just that maybe I had an egg behind the couch or something. Does my breath really smell that bad? I can’t believe it. Anyway, I’ve got just a week to go before I’m a virgin at 40 and – Oh my God! She’s knocking at my door! Hold up. Never mind. It was just the landlord. My Section 8 inspection is today, so…
Le Dix-neuf de Février, 2025
Dear Diary. It’s been a long journey of forty long years. Some days were exciting. I mean, exciting! I didn’t know if it there was a rocket in my pants or if the president was coming to see me. I was lit! Anyway, I got through the hard times with my handy back scratcher and copious amounts of Shakespearean plays. Now it’s here. The day to remember. The first day of the rest of my life. All I have to do is…bottle up my crotch-rocket for one more day. Just twenty-four little hours…Watch me now!
Le Veinte de febrero, 2025
Oh, no! I can’t believe I did that! I went out and I had sex like ten times! I can’t believe it. I’m so undisciplined! All I had to do was wait one stinking day. Even Steel can wait a day. That’s not fair. I…wait a minute. Wait a second. That was a dream! I didn’t have sex! I only dreamed of having sex! No wonder I was floating over the Empire State building! I did it! I’m a virgin at forty! I can’t believe it! That’s it! I WANT HER TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND!
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