The First Thursday

“ID please.” The short woman in front of me with the club's logo on her shirt stuck out her hand. I had prepared for this exact moment the entire twenty minutes I stood freezing in the line. Take out the card and hand it to the nice lady. And yet I still found myself shuffling to pull my ID out of my phone case with my hands shaking not from the cold. I handed out my card, smiling a convincing smile that ensured I was breaking no laws. My chest felt like it was caving in, suffocating my already shaken breath. I could not tell you why my heart was racing; I was not breaking any laws–though it sure felt like it. 

“Sorry honey,” she said, handing me back my ID, which I reluctantly stuffed in my case as quickly as I could. She graciously grabbed my forearm and drew a large X on the back of my hand–letting the bouncer know I am under 21–that I am sure would take a week to scrub off. I stepped to the side, and I watched my two older friends, Bree and Jess, hand their IDs to her. No X’s were drawn on their hands, but rather they got a bright yellow wristband. Lucky them. To the fate of the lovely X on my hand I had to enter the club for a different door. I then waited patiently in the semi empty room playing with my fingers like a schoolgirl while my friends got a drink from the bar. Third wheeling at its finest. 

Not one ounce of me wanted to be there, not one. I’d rather be sitting on the couch watching some old romcom movie while stuffing chicken nuggets in my mouth. But nope. It is the first Thursday of the school year and apparently, I was obligated to come out tonight–even if it meant against my will. 

My friends turned the corner with their drinks held high in the air. They hugged me, wrapping their free hand around me. “I am so glad you came with us tonight. You are going to have so much fun.” They each squealed as they took a long sip from their cherry red drinks. I tried my best to plant a convincing smile on my face. They faced each other going over their plan for the night–make out with someone. 

They eyed the crowd looking for any hot guys. Sure, some were good looking, but they all were here tonight for other reasons to which I had no interest in. 

“Can I have a sip?” 

“Of course, girl!” She handed me the cup and I took a drink. How I dearly wanted one of my own. It would make the night much more bearable, but sadly the X on my hand prevented me from holding a drink of my own. Soon people started crowding in and the music grew louder with every stomp of the floorboards. Time seemed to stop, and the minutes dragged on as I danced to the music unamused. Bree slipped away with a boy that was too old for her, but who was I to judge? I danced some more with Jess who made the few minutes bearable as we swayed to the music. This was not too bad. But too soon two boys approached us. My body tensed up feeling as if my feet were glued to the waste of a floor. 

One tall with a smirk that could melt a fragile girl’s heart began dancing with my friend, their hands finding each other's backs, leaving me standing desperately hopeless next to his very unattractive friend; but I guess I too was the unattractive friend for the night. 

“You from around here?” He yelled over the pounding music that was now like a woodpecker to my ear drums. My shoulders raised too high, my lips pressed together, and I nodded ever so slightly. He leaned in waiting patiently, and I knew he would wait for me to answer until the music stopped and we were all kicked out at the end of the night. 

I placed my hands directly at my sides and let out a breath, “I go to college around here.” 

He placed his hand on his chest nodding, but seemingly in an odd way with his whole body, “nice, nice.” He repeated one too many times. “I am in grad school. I skipped a year.” He said as if it would impress me. “What do you major in?”

I looked over to my friend for assistance to remove me from this dreadful conversation. My eyes widened when I turned to see their hands meshed into each other's hair and the guy’s tongue down her throat. 

I was on my own. I turned back yelling, “English.” 

“Cool, cool.” He nodded his head, bringing that same damn hand up to his chest. 

The conversation dragged on. Jess grabbed my arm, and a wave of relief flushed over me as she dragged me away. I did not have the energy nor the care to say bye to the poor guy. 

We managed to find Bree and the three of us created a small circle in the heat of the crowd. Smiling and laughing as each song played. “Are you having fun?” Jess asked. 

“Yeah.” I yelled back grinning ear to ear. If they found out how much I dreaded being there, they would insist that we go home. And I had no intention of ruining either of their nights so a simple yeah, I am having a great time would suffice. 

To my luck, our time alone only lasted a few minutes before another set of boys bumped into us. Maybe it was the way I presented myself, keeping my arms down at my sides, not reaching out for the closet guy, my lack of eye contact, or my facial expressions. But the group surrounded Bree and Jess grabbing them at the waist, leaving me pushed out of the circle standing hopelessly distraught. 

I stood trying my best to hide my disgust while they made out with guys they had just met, but hey we each had our own goal for the night, at least they got to complete theirs. I flinched at every sweating back that brushed up my bare arm. Almost gagging as I whipped it away with the little fabric of my shirt. I need a drink desperately, five shots to be precise, to make me that person who sways to the music, or maybe even let a guy touch me. 

Like a child I tapped on Jess’s arm. She so kindly stripped away from his mouth and smiled at me. “Is everything okay?”

No. I wanted to go home two hours ago. But of course, those words would never escape my mouth. So instead, I said, “Yes, I just need to use the bathroom.”

“What!” She yelled over the music. I had not realized how my own ears could barely make out her words. 

I brought my mouth so close to her ear I was sure she could feel my warm breath on her as I said, “I need to use the restroom!”

“I will come with you!”

“No, no it is okay. I can go by myself!” 

“Are you sure?” I nodded. I needed to step away from the chaos of the night. Everything was becoming too much for me. I need a moment alone, desperately. 

I pushed my way through the crowd, not caring the sweat that was not blending into my skin until the bathroom door came into view. I pushed through the door thankfully to a bathroom with only a few drunken girls; some were crying, others touching up their makeup in the mirror. I had not noticed the persistent ringing in my ears until I closed the stall door and swayed forward placing my forehead against the door, too tired to even consider how dirty they were. 

Why had I let them convince me to come out tonight? 

At the sound of a girl puking in the stall beside me I finally ventured back out to wash my hand. Letting the soothing warm water pour down I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My mascara had run down to my down eyelids making me look as if I had not slept in ages, though at this point it sure felt like it. I didn't even try to smile away the now permanent frown as I stared into my empty hollow eyes. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. But flinched when a hot sweaty hand graciously touched my arm.

My ear drums were so shot, I barely heard the drunken girl next to me ask, “Are you okay?” There was no thought behind her eyes either. I guess we each had our own problems going on in our heads. I stared down at the bright yellow wristband that was wrapped around her skinny wrist. At least she could drown her sorrows in cheap vodka. 

“Yes. Thank you.” 

“I love your top!” She screamed.

“Thank you!” She smiled that seemed genuine. In the bathroom of a club, you always find the girls who complement your outfit to the girls who see you cry and demand they find the boy that caused you pain so they could go beat his ass. It was a safe place in the outbreak of chaos behind the door. 

I stared down at my phone and it read 12:32 am. The club closed in less than thirty minutes. I had made it almost three hours, thirty minutes didn’t seem so bad. I would push through and have the time of my life. I took a long breath as my hand grabbed the door handle and smiled. I swung the door open, just as I saw Jess do before, I raised my arms in the air laughing and danced to join my friends. 

“You are back! I missed you.” Bree says pulling me in a hug. 

“Let's dance!” Jess grabbed our arms.

“Okay.” I said with a smile that I did not have to force.