The Happy Mask

She is as bubbly as it gets. Her personality radiates positivity and there’s nothing but a genuine niceness that can be felt within minutes of shaking her hand. When you meet her, you'll realize almost immediately that she is one of a kind. With her wide variety of ridiculous jokes that range from corny to downright inappropriate, she will keep you laughing from the get-go. Her favorites to tell are so messed up and so darn raunchy that you will swear you need a shower after hearing them. But, believe me, you are going to be impressed by her smooth delivery and the pure hilarity of each and every joke she shares. With setups that take so long for her to get through, you will most likely be on the verge of losing interest right as she delivers a final punchline that catches you so off guard you won’t quite be able to believe someone you just met would ever share such insanity with a bunch of people she hardly knows. And just like her dirty jokes mentioned above, the quick-witted responses that fly out of her mouth while she partakes in group and/or individual conversations are as funny as they are filthy. Being the comedian of every room she enters is her biggest goal. It’s quite rare that said goal isn’t accomplished. If you can handle just how dark and inappropriate her sense of humor truly is, you are sure to be delightfully entertained. After your very first meeting with this eccentric, loud, hilarious, friendly, and fun-loving chick, it’s not uncommon for her to go from newly introduced acquaintance to your latest bestie. She doesn’t have a whole lot to offer, but the shenanigans and laughs are never in short supply when she’s around. You will love her vibe and crave her energy from that very first meeting until the unexpected moment when suddenly, you don’t anymore. It never fails that the shine of her extroverted self becomes the thing everyone she opens up to eventually despises about her most. The first impression of a good time having, fun-loving, weirdo will go from being the best thing about her to being the exact thing that you cannot stand about her one day.  The person that grabbed your attention when you first met her sooner or later becomes exactly who you want to avoid at all costs and that many times, you wish you’d never met in the first place.

When you’re someone with an over-the-top, carefree personality, people constantly assume you don’t care about anything. This is especially true when you are extra unforgiving about who you are. Apparently, a “take it or leave it” attitude is not an easy one to understand nor accept. When you truly do not care what others think of you and you own every bit of who you are, life loves to try to take all that from you. The stronger and more resilient you are, the more people are going to get irritated at you for simply being you. In my experience, being totally copacetic is a sure-fire way to make people rethink wanting you in their lives. Such a demeanor suggests that you don’t give a damn about anything and you’re incapable of ever being serious. All because you have chosen not to allow the negative experiences and relationships that come with age to get you down. If you are the type of human that somehow manages to portray yourself as someone full of joy and appreciation, regardless of countless experiences that could have easily left you beaten and broken, you should prepare yourself for a lot more dark and lonely days because they are surely ahead of you. It is very likely for all the happy-go-lucky folks out there to feel absolutely alone and completely misunderstood in this crazy world we live in on a regular basis. Going from everyone’s favorite party girl or boy to the loser nobody likes in the blink of an eye will be something you become all too familiar with as the days pass. From being the life of every party you attend to not being invited to parties at all anymore will be a reality you become accustomed to. I’m not just making assumptions either. This is not some sort of random spiel regarding something I’m convinced is true. It is the truth. My truth. Everything expressed in my first paragraph stems from first-hand experience. I know what it’s like to be the person I talked about in that paragraph because I am that person. I am her. She is me. I hide behind the persona of a free-spirited gal without a care in the world, just out to have fun, but it's an illusion created by yours truly. I am the face behind the “happy mask."

To think of myself as the type to wear any sort of mask is not easy for me. I have a hard time admitting that the silly, friendly, cool version of myself that comes out the very second I walk out of my house is not exactly the most real version of myself, but sadly, that is the truth. Now, don’t get me wrong, the vivacious, fun-loving me that comes out at parties and when I'm hanging out with my closest friends is as genuine as can be. Every bit of positivity that I put out and all the fun that I seem to have is very real. I love to make people laugh and feel best when that is the case. Still, when I get home and I’m alone I am also somebody else entirely. A somebody that is so broken, I often feel as if I don’t belong anywhere or with anyone. It is then that I remember all that I have become in my thirty-two years on Earth. The abused wife, the shunned middle child, and the girlfriend that makes falling out of love such an easy task for the very few men I have chosen to put my walls down for. I am the mom that always fails to give my kids everything they deserve. I am the unfiltered know-it-all acquaintance that loves to share my unsolicited opinions every chance I get. And every now and then I am even the loneliest person in the entire universe, or at least I feel as if I am. As much as possible, I try to keep busy and surround myself with friends, or at least people that pretend to be my friend, but every now and then, I have to hide from everybody I know and be alone with my thoughts and feelings so that everything I have pushed down and refused to deal with doesn’t build-up to the point I nearly let it all become enough to make me explode. It’s during such times that I can be found sitting in my room alone with a pen and paper trying to empty all of the craziness of my manic mind into my favorite form of a creative outlet. It’s only when I write that I am able to get everything out and express things I would otherwise never let out. Writing is my therapy. It’s when I am able to breathe and regroup by allowing myself the chance to feel all that I have chosen to bury deep inside my soul. It’s in those instances that I am free and open about who I am, how I feel, and what I want. It’s my escape from the sparkling ray of sunshine that is a very big and real part of my whole self, but also my way of not having to admit I’m broken. A keyboard or a notebook and bright pink pen are the stands I rest my happy mask on while I take time to purge myself of all the feelings of hurt and pain that accumulate and have accumulated over the days, weeks, and years. It’s a mask that I have no trouble putting on at any given point in time and that I will wear better than anyone else ever could. I will wear it proudly as often as I can until it is no longer a mask. I’ll wear the happy mask until that happy, silly, carefree girl you met at a party is no longer just who you think I am, but instead is exactly who I know I am, inside and out.