Did you hear the latest buzz?

April 12^th, 1994

A lady works on Pig Street, day and night keeping her clients satisfied and helping them with their confidence and self esteem. Lately, it seems that she had taken a liking to one of her clients.  She’s been seen walking all the way to Tail Avenue with said client at very late hours of the evening. The client seems to be a well-known influencer on social media, and the two must have hit it off when talking about their shared interests.

This affair of theirs seems to be going steady, onlookers tell me that they’ve had dinner many times at a diner between Pig Street and Tail Avenue. It is a very popular diner, and their coffee and Monday breakfast deals are to die for.

An agent stationed at the diner mentioned that they’ve been slowly adjusting to a mutual attraction in their relationship, elevated heartbeats, higher blood pressure, etc. An agent stationed at Tail Avenue also let me know that they’ve been walking while linking palms. Interestingly enough, their faces go bright red. A strange phenomenon between those attracted to each other I believe.

May 30^th, 1994

The ones I’ve been writing about lately have been seen joining their mouths and smiling. Weird but expectable behaviour from these lifeforms. I would assume that it is some sort of mating dance, but they aren’t mating at the end. Just connecting their mouths. Again, weird. An agent mentioned that they are linking palms often now. A happy pair I would suppose.

July 18^th, 1994

The two had an argument. Or I suppose fight be more acceptable? There was a lot of yelling and most of was unintelligible to the surrounding ear. An agent mentioned that each of them had yelled about another woman. Whatever that means. I suppose in these scenarios the two will not be meeting anymore, shame. According to new intel, the client has left, and the lady is being… surrounded? By arms? Oh, an agent has confirmed that the arms have a body attached, it was just too dark to tell. Never mind then, I was getting too excited.

December 18^th, 1994

The lady has stopped looking so unhappy lately. Apparently, the week after is a very important holiday in this culture. I couldn’t imagine why, but the lady being unhappy is not something I like to see. I do not wish to further proceed with that statement. I see another client has been making small conversation with the lady, and according to inside agents, she is smiling a lot more. Good then, it has been far too long for the lady to dwell on that client of hers from the past.

December 25^th, 1994

The lady was spotted with her palms linked. My inner vessel to pump nutrients to my brain hurts. I will not elaborate.

This evening the lady was seen walking with the same client she had linked palms with a week earlier. Her smile is radiant and divine. My agents’ words not mine. According to said agent, they travelled to the diner, palms linked, and ordered a shared plate of Christmas themed crepes, whatever that means. After, they were seen heading to the lady’s sleeping quarters. How scandalous. I see a mini lady in our near future.

December 26^th, 1994

The client was seen leaving the lady’s sleeping quarters alone, and never went back. Strange, do two who hold mutual feelings of attraction not usually stay together? An hour later and the lady has run outside with a note and a, dare I say, distraught look on her face. An agent stationed at the lady’s sleeping quarters has sent me a snippet of the letter. It says: I cannot continue this; “I was only with you because you seemed easy. Goodbye.” I do wonder why the lady was so distraught, and whatever the words “you seemed easy” means.

It has been an hour, according to the lady’s yelling and teary screaming at the wall, I can only assume the client had mated the lady without cause for reproduction, which is frankly disgusting, and the client should be shown the deathliest torture of them all, sugar water bottle.

December 30^th, 1994

I do not understand why the lady seems to pick horrible clients from her species. She could do a lot better at finding a mate. It’s a shame really. My agents are telling me that I should do it but that is a lot of nonsense. I am a reporter and getting involved with my subject is a no.

March 25^th, 1995

The lady has a belly now. It is a beautiful belly no doubt, but it is a little weird. Her co-workers keep saying that she looks great and keep asking her when she’s expecting. Expecting what? My agents cannot figure out what either, but I will get to the bottom of this.

April 1^st, 1994

According to my sources, the lady had “too much fun” after Christmas and got pregnant, which is a term their species use to indicate that she had a successful reproduction period. I cannot say that I am thrilled, however the lady does not seem unhappy, so I am not unhappy either.

August 5^th, 1994

The lady keeps mentioning that there are 2 months left. I assume that she means for the new lifeform to leave her belly. An update from the last report is that she is back with the man from after Christmas. He is a weird fellow, but very muscly. She could do better, but I am not unhappy that he is helping her around.

October 9^th, 1994

The new lifeform is alive. And the lady and the man are wearing white and meeting lips. It is a weird event and people are all watching while clapping. My agent tells me they repeated the words “I do” as well. Strange, but not that reproduction is no longer a problem for the lady, I can finally show her what she’s been missing out on.

It’s a little bit chilly in the autumn air, but I carry on and enter the lady’s sleeping quarters through an open window. I noticed immediately that she was going to the kitchen, and with quiet precision I lean against the countertop and drop the deadliest pick-up line any human has every heard.

“Ya Like Jazz?”