Connections

I pulled the handle on the glass door towards me with the kind of umph that the size of it deserved, but then I nearly headbutted the frame because the damned thing did not budge. Embarrassed, I dare not look around, I just peered through the glass doors like a child in a candy shop window, only to see an abandoned reception and foyer area. I was perplexed and confused and well, a little bit panicky. I glanced at my watch but there was no watch. I looked closer at my wrist trying to focus in on the black dot there. I pushed on the dot with my finger and it was soft and gooey. It got deeper and deeper and I really started to panic and I could hardly breathe suddenly. I started to cry whilst I held my wrist in my other hand and looked around to see if someone could help me. A man came out of the locked door and asked me what I was doing. I told him I was here for an interview and he laughed and said "Darlin, that was yesterday you have missed it by a day". He kept laughing at me and I opened my mouth to scream at him, I couldn't make a sound so I kept pushing and pushing the wind out of my mouth but nothing came out. My awareness of my dreaming slowly returned. I was instantly filled with relief that I cried myself awake.

Wow, what a start to my day! Phew, well that was weird and so real too. I looked down at my wrist to make sure there were no weird holes in it because that also felt real. Obviously, I'm worried about making it to this damn interview on time today but what's with the hole in the wrist? In my mind I ran through everything I needed to do to get ready for it. I figured I had one hour up my sleeve to do my stretching and feed the animals and maybe just chill for 15 minutes. I still felt the anxious side effects of my dream in the pit of my stomach so if I could just do some deep breathing, I should be fine.

I already had my outfit picked out so that was a good feeling because on the 'angst' scale of 1 to 10, the choosing of an outfit, is way up there with the interview itself. I raced through my exercises and practically threw the food at the dogs, chickens, horses, cat and one very pushy bottle-fed calf. I wondered if any other interview candidates had to feed a bloody menagerie, not that they are wild animals I suppose but it feels like it at times. Herein enters, Captain Self Doubt. No not Captain this is a Lieutenant Major Self Doubt (my imaginary Nemesis), and she reckons "What am I thinking? I can't work in the city, I'm never going to get the job anyway, I'm not that smart anymore, I'm so much better off at home with my animals, I'm too daggy for the city folk, is the money worth it?". "Shut the hell up Lieutenant Major S.D." I said out loud like I'm reading lines for an American soap opera that requires a southern Louisiana style accent, which is my favourite accent of all by the way, "coz I'ma gonna try my frikken hardest and if I get the job I can decide then!" So, with renewed vigor I put on my favourite Janis Joplin album, turn up the music and start jumping and flailing around the living room like a happy, confident person would. Fake it til'ya make it I say.

"And we're off" I say to myself as I let the clutch out in my utility truck to drive down our five kilometer driveway. We've had so much rain lately that the potholes are deep and full of water. I am literally bouncing up and down in my seat which makes me laugh out loud and grateful I wore my sports bra. I glance down to my fancy leather satchel bag and remember that I haven't actually used it since leaving my job 8 years ago. Lieutenant Major S.D. turns up suddenly and she's like "Der that's right, that's why you left your last job, you hated it!" "Nope, not now bitch, I got this" I said out loud as I pulled onto the main road and headed for the train station. As I pushed my foot down on the accelerator to reach the 100km limit I checked the mirror and saw the remnants of the hay bales I unloaded yesterday, flying out the back of my truck like a lawnmower without a grass catcher. Whoops. I eased my foot off the gas and sunk down in my seat a little as if that made it all ok. I checked my watch which, once again triggered my dream memory which made me stare at my watch a few seconds longer than I should have. As I turned back to the road I gasped and sucked in a loud breath, quickly pulling my foot off the accelerator and slamming it onto the brakes. There ahead of me was a line of cars at a complete stand still. I came to a dramatic stop with the screech of my tyres and a whirlwind of grassy hay still landing on my bonnet like an ash storm. "Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no please not today" I said in a whiny, pleading voice. It's ok I thought I still have time and the Lieutenant can kiss my arse. Maybe while we wait we can do some deep breaths like we were supposed to do this morning.

I sat there calmly and pushed in one nostril and sucked in through the other like I'm trying to hoover up the dust on the steering wheel. Hopefully the person in front isn't looking in their rear view mirror because, I know they will be thinking I'm on some cocaine fuelled joy ride after the way I pulled up behind them in a flurry of dust and hay. Hold the breath and change nostrils as we exhale ......phewwww. I did this about three times because that's all I could manage before the Lieutenant showed up. "This is a sign you idiot, you shouldn't be here, you don't know what you are doing, you can't even breath properly". "Shut the hell up!" I yelled aloud. Ok now the person ahead definitely saw me talking to myself and is now checking on me all the time. I decided that ok if this is a sign then so let it be. I can't control the situation and therefore I will deal with the consequences as it happens. "Good talk Louie" I said proudly to myself and smiled to the mirror image of the man ahead of me.

An ambulance in all its fury raced past me on the empty south bound lane like a town crier yelling "Hear ye, hear ye a life is in the balance, get out of the way, stop your whining and pray this is never you!"

"Soooo dramatic" says the Lieutenant, "Shutup!" I said aloud.

I made it to the train station with minutes to spare. I heard the lady in the ticket office telling someone that there was a woman running down the main road yelling and screaming and acting all crazy. She ended up getting hit by a car and they don't know if she is alright. I felt the hairs on my forearms stand to attention as my skin turned into a plucked chook. I felt sad for her. What was she running from, what was happening to her to make her do that I wondered. I bought my ticket and boarded the train.

I walked through the carriages until I got to the very first carriage. I decided that is where I wanted to sit. Not as many people sit in the first one so I chose the seat in the front corner beside the window and as I sat down, I took a deep breath in and let it out very slowly. Ok now it is time to start prepping my mind about this interview. Forget about the poor woman for now and just try to imagine the questions and answers. I started to run through the exaggerated truths of my resume so that I remember how good I said I am, when I saw two young children run through my carriage toward me. They sat down in the corner opposite me and were staring down the carriage like they were running from someone.

Of course, I was instantly concerned for them, and my maternal instincts clicked into overdrive. The boy must have been around 10yrs old and the little girl around 7.  I couldn't help but watch them and try to understand what is going on and why they would be on their own. So, I said "Hey guys, are you ok? Is there something wrong, are you in trouble?". The boy looked at me and he stared straight into my eyes with his big brown eyes, and I guessed he was assessing whether I was a threat or not. He said, "Nah Miss, we are ok we are going to see our Nan". The little girl was staring at me but when I looked at her, she buried her head into her brother's shoulder.

The adjoining door to the next carriage suddenly swooshes open and in walked a very angry looking conductor. The two children bobbed their heads down and I quickly moved over to the centre aisle seat closest to them. As he approached, my heart started to beat harder in my chest as I thought about what to say. "Are you right there sir?" I asked with a slightly aggressive swagger about me. I obviously took him by surprise because he turned to me as if he hadn't noticed me at all. He then turned to see the two kids with their heads down in the seats opposite me and said, "Are these two with you?" "They most certainly are, is there a problem?". "Yes, I saw them hop on the train just before the doors closed after running out from behind a wall on the station." He said with his arms folded. "Yes, I know I was very upset with them for that, but you know kids." I said with both hands in a receiving open stance. "Oh, I know these kids. I've seen them with their mother hanging around the station before trying to get free rides" he said as he  nodded toward them in a righteous manner. Right so they do have a mother I thought. "It's all good sir, I will pay for their tickets and I'm sorry about the hassle". He looked at me as if trying to assess whether to make a fuss, but luckily he just shook his head and processed the tickets.

The two little people were just staring at me in wonder, so I asked them "Where is your mum?" "She told us to get on the train and go and find Nan and then she ran down the road, she was crying" he said with tears welling in his eyes. The little girl started crying and saying, "I want mummy". The boy chastised his little sister and told her to stop crying but said "It's ok, we're going to see Nan". "How long ago did she drop you at the station?" I asked, "This morning" he said with his head down. Suddenly it dawned on me, the realisation that these kids belong to the woman that was hit by the car, the reason there was an ambulance. I don't know how I knew it, but a woman doesn't just abandon her kids like this unless there is something very wrong.

I looked at his little hand holding on to her even smaller hand like he would never let it go. Their beautiful brown skin, the same colour as my own, and I pictured my brother and I sitting there and I remember feeling as scared as these kids were. It's moments like this that a woman is aware of her own Adam’s apple because you swallow so hard trying not to cry it actually hurts. I looked down at my own hands, I kept trying to swallow the cry, but the tears fell out of my eyes as I closed them wishing that their pain was not real. I wished that their life was better and that the inevitable knowledge that they must soon learn of their mother was not real. I rummaged through my bag and found some tissues and I blew my nose and wiped my face and got my shit together.

With a deep breath in and out and a big sniff I said "Ok, if it's ok with you I would like to help you find your Nan, would that be ok?" The boy looked at me and just nodded. He handed me a piece of paper that had a name and number on it. I took out my phone and said, “Well, my name is Louise and what are your names?” “I’m Connor and this is Jessie” he said, “Ok Connor and Jessie let’s get this happening hey” I said with a smile trying to cheer them up. They just nodded at me, but their little faces were still sad. 

I stood up to make the call because it just felt like the right thing to do. A woman answered and I asked if she was Tracey, she was immediately suspicious because she answered with a “Yeah and who the fuck is this?” I explained the situation and told her what stop I was getting off and asked if she could meet me there straight away as I had a job interview to go to. She said she couldn’t make it straight away as she didn’t have her car at that time. I had no choice really but to just get off the train with the kids and, well, take them to the interview, I guess. Lieutenant Major turns up like clockwork and starts up with the “This is gonna be a great show, what are you Mother Theresa?, they gonna be like, yeah nah bitch you must be joking”. “I know, I know” I said out loud whilst I rubbed my forehead. I looked at Connor and Jessie and yep, Connor’s looking at me wondering if I’m talking to him or if I’m a crazy lady he should not be trusting. “I’m sorry dude, I talk to myself a bit but I’m not crazy ok, I’m just a bit stressed” I said as my hands started to sweat a little, so I wiped them down my pants. The three of us got off the train and I looked down at little Jessie and thought, no matter what happens I am going to help these kids. I stood there looking around for answers, guidance, some sort of sign.  Lieutenant shows up and says “Dude, you are gonna be late for this interview, THIS is your sign!”   

“Lieutenant” I said, “For once, you are right. Stuff the job, this is what I want to do, I want to help these kids”. I instantly felt the pressure valve in my head open up and my body flushed with warmth and serotonin that I nearly cried. Little Jessie must have thought I was upset because she started to cry saying “I want my mummy”. I picked her up and she wrapped her little arms and legs around me and cried into my shoulder. I knew what to do, I phoned their Nan on the way to a taxi and got the address. 

An hour later we arrived at their Nan’s house. I knocked with little confidence and just as the Lieutenant was about to start, this tall, beautiful Aboriginal woman with wavy long brown and grey hair opened up the door. She looked at me and the kids and smiled a great big infectious smile. They ran to her with open arms, and she enveloped them with love and kisses. My heart grew bigger knowing they were loved. She then gave me a big hug and thanked me. She invited me in and introduced me to her elderly mother who was sitting on the couch. I paid my respects to her by calling her Nan as is the tradition of our people. I sat down next to Nan and though she could hardly see she grabbed my hand and said, “You know, sometimes we are exactly where we have to be to do what we have to do, thank you for looking after our children and keeping them safe”. I looked down at her withered hands and felt the warmth of them against my own and I noticed that her wrist was bandaged. I said, “Oh no Nan, what happened to your wrist?” her daughter Tracey said, “Mum had a big melanoma cut out, it left a huge hole in her wrist, didn’t ya Mum?” she added loudly. Nan just squeezed my hand with her good hand, giggled a little, nodded slightly and said “This girl has seen this before”. 

I felt chills run up my spine and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. How did she? Is she talking about my dream? Is that just a coincidence? It suddenly occurred to me, these are my people, this is what I am missing, connection, not a job in the city! It was a long road ahead for this family but if they need me as much as I need them, then I’m here.