Blue

Salt water blurred my vision as I stared numbly out the window, the gentle clickity-clack of the train adding to my hypnotic gaze.

I blinked, encouraging a small tear to release its grip and fall down my cheek. Then another, and another. I sniffed and let them fall freely, no longer needing to maintain a solid front. I was alone, there was no one to see me cry, no one to remain strong for.

The day’s events washed through my mind in unrelenting cycles. Ebbing and flowing like a tide, drifting between would have and could have, words said and unsaid. Self-doubt bombarded me with endless questions; Should I have left her? Was it fair to treat her this way? Could I have done more?

I leaned my head back into the chair, every muscle was tense. I closed my eyes and sighed, seeing her again as she stood on the platform. She had come to see me go but had hoped she’d make me stay.

My mind replayed our final scene together for the fifteenth time. She had worn her favorite dress, the pale blue one I bought her on one of our outings, it matched perfectly with her eyes. She knew how happy it made me see her in that dress.

“But why are you leaving?” she’d said. “I love you. Please, don’t go” She was pleading now, gripping me tightly with desperate hands.

In reply I had placed my own hands on her shoulders and gently pushed her away.

“You know I can’t come back. I told you I wouldn’t stay. Not here, not with you.”

Her face had screwed up, her bottom lip quivered and eyes widened. She gaped at me with disbelief, like I’d lost my mind. Then the tears had come. A cascade of despair had begun its flow down her cheeks so prolifically it was impossible to distinguish one tear from the next. She looked at me, willing me to take her pain away, to say I’d stay.

As I reached out my hand and delicately wiped a droplet from her chin, I knew what I had done.

I had broken her heart.

I recalled our time together, bittersweet memories of adventure, her energy and enthusiasm for life so contagious. Warm days spent walking along golden beaches, stopping to write our names in the sand. Her unable to resist an ocean swim, convincing me to join her. Then there were the balmy nights filled with fairy lights, music and laughter. Her beaming smile and sharp wit pulling endless throws of laughter from deep within me as we sat together eating whatever new recipe she had decided we would cook that day. Only she knew how to make me laugh like that.

In the evening we’d sit and talk, she’d ask so many questions, her chin resting on folded hands, her eyebrows raising as she listened intently to stories of my new life.

Yes, our time together had passed far too quick.

She had tried to change my mind, convince me how good it could be if we stayed together and I must admit, I was tempted. The thought of moving in with her again and waking up to the sound of her singing in the kitchen was enough to have me second guessing my life choices, but I hadn't faltered in my decision.

My thoughts took me back again to the station and the last words she said to me “We’ve had so much fun together, I just thought you might decide to stay. You could move back in; it’ll be like you never left.”

Part of me wondered if I should. It would be so easy to slip back into my old life here, with her. I could get my old job back, forget about moving on and making change. I felt I owed her. We’d been thick as thieves until the day I’d decided I wanted something more.

It wasn’t her fault; she’d done nothing wrong.

Instead, I’d laid a gentle kiss on her forehead and turned away, too weak with guilt to say anything more. I stepped onto the train, mustering the last of my strength that had kept my own tears at bay and turned to her and smiled.

“Just remember the good times hey?” I’d said, a pathetic attempt to lighten the mood and leave on a good note. The sadness on her face didn’t shift. I pulled my eyes from hers and boarded the train.

Slumping into the seat I could feel my heart pounding. Fear of waking up without her overtook me, pushing me to almost run off the train, to pick her up in my arms and hold her tight. Almost.

Instead, I had sat looking at my phone contemplating how I would survive the 5-hour trip without crumbling.

I blinked myself away from the memory and back to the window. I needed to clear my mind, thoughts of her were consuming me.

Perhaps I had given her false hope along the way? Had I lead her on to believe that my staying with her could be an option?  I had to leave, it was never in my plans to make this a long-term thing, it was always just some fun for the Summer.

She knew that too, didn’t she?

I shook my head. The doubt and guilt weighed on me like a wet blanket. I couldn’t leave her like this! I loved her! I couldn’t stand the thought of her thinking she had done anything wrong, that she had done anything to make me leave. No, I had to clarify to her that she is perfect, I’m the one who needed something else, something more. I’ll tell her I love her and I’ll…

I picked up my phone and opened my contacts. Scrolling down to “Little Sis” I dialed.

“Elly? Yea it’s Liz! I realize I just left but I wanted you to know that I promise I’ll be back for a visit the next school holidays. I had such a great time with you sis, sorry I don’t get to visit more often.”