It’s my birthday. We are at the beach in the middle of winter. The sand is covered in snow and the lake is covered in ice. He’s very jittery. He can’t stop smiling and in return neither can I.
I love this boy.
He walked us to a clearing. To the left was the beach. To the right were trees that make up a forest.
The last time he and I were on this beach it was summer. There was a party and he and I were barely even friends. I had made a bet whether he was going to get with this girl. Now I’m the only girl I ever want to see him with.
He got down on one knee. He wasn’t proposing. I knew that. We weren’t there yet. Even though I knew he was not about to be my finance, I was elated. I had pictured my life with him and any step towards that was extraordinarily exciting.
“This is a promise” He started. “A promise for forever.”
-
“I’m not ready for forever.” He tells me as if three months ago he wasn’t saying the opposite. “I met you and everything was perfect. If I was ever going to end up with anyone it would be you.”
“Then don’t let go of me. Don’t throw away everything we have built if you are just trying to figure out you. Don’t give up on us.”
This can’t be real. I have continued to fall in love with him more everyday. I know that a break up doesn’t erase the past. It’s just hard to wrap my head around us putting all this effort in for all this time if we are just going to give up.
I really do not want to give up on him.
He is everything good in the world and as much as I want him to be happy, I know that we are good. I know that we work. I know that we would live an extraordinary life together. I want nothing but the best for him and I wish I was who could give him that.
-
He opened a ring box. Inside was a beautiful aquamarine ring. My birthstone. The gem was in the shape of a heart, being surrounded by multiple little diamonds. The ring was absolutely perfect. Too beautiful to ever be drawn, too gorgeous to even describe.
“I want to spend my life with you.” A little tear fell from his eye. “You are perfect in absolutely every way and all I know it’s you. It’ll always be you.”
-
“I can’t do that if I’m in a relationship.”
“Unless you mean sleeping with a bunch of girls by finding yourself then you can definitely do that while being with me.” I keep blinking in hopes to stop myself from crying. I know it will come soon but I’d love to hold it off as long as possible.
“This isn’t working. I can’t do this right now.”
“Stop saying right now. When you say right now that gives me the impression that you’re coming back. And if you tell me that you’re coming back I will not be able to move on. I will just sit and wait for you and stop living my life. I can’t do that.”
“I do want to come back when I’m ready. But I don’t want you to wait for me.”
“If You’re planning on coming back, why not work on it right now? Why can’t we just try. Why can’t you do what you want to do and I do what I want to do? There’s a way for you to do this that doesn’t involve you making a decision that you are going to regret for the rest of your life.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why?”
-
“Is this real?” I’m barely able to ask him because I can’t stop smiling.
“So real baby!” He kissed my hand. “I love you.”
Looking down I saw the most perfect man. I saw the smartest person I have ever met, my absolute best friend, and a face too pretty not to be photographed.
-
“I need to know who I am. I need to be able to take a job across the country or a year abroad-”
“What is stopping you from doing that with me?” I’m yelling now. I’m mad.
I’m mad because he had just promised us a life together. I’m mad because six months ago he stood up in a room full of our friends and told me that if we ever broke up it would be me breaking up with him because he would absolutely never let go of me.
“I just have the idea that I can’t. I feel like if we were together I wouldn't want to focus on me. Why would I want to? If I have you it will always be you in my head.”
-
“Don’t stop there! Keep talking and telling me how much you love me.”
-
“Why can’t you just try?” I sniffle.
He takes his hand and wipes away my tears. The tears that he caused.
“What if you and I stayed together and in six months I regret it? We spend six months together and then we do this all again.”
“Then at least I know that you tried and you worked on us and you didn’t just throw it all away at the first sign of adversity.”
“But then you’ll hate me.”
-
He chuckled and took a deep breath. He slid the ring on my finger before he continued speaking.
I wanted to engrave this moment in my memory. Write legends about our love and read them loud enough for the entire world to hear. People deserve to really feel a love this powerful. A love this true.
-
“What if six months from now we’re happy? What if you and I are perfect and you are happy as an individual and suddenly one day we are laying in bed and you realise how worth it this was. How all the stupid fights and petty arguments were worth it because you love me and I love you.”
“I do love you.”
“If you did, you wouldn’t be throwing it away.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You can’t be sorry for a decision you are about to make.”
“I have to.”
“You don’t”
“I do!”
-
“I used to hate the idea of relationships. I refused to ever get in one again. And then I met you and you were perfect and all of that seemed useless. You made me want to fall in love. It was so easy with you. You have always been everything I could ever want and so much more. We are too young to get married. Our relationship is too fresh and we have so much left to do. So instead I’m giving you this ring as a promise that it will become something more and until then I will love you and keep working for our relationship.”
-
“Do you want to know what I think?”
“I always want to know what you think.”
“I think that you regret it. I think that every part of you is telling you not to make this decision right now. I think that if you really didn’t want us to be together you wouldn’t keep coming back to me and we wouldn’t keep doing this. I think that you are going to spend forever regretting it but you’re too afraid to change your mind now. I think that eventually when you fully realise it, you are going to come back. I’m going to say no because I can’t ever open the possibility of us again after this. I won’t ever be able to trust that you aren’t going to leave me like you are right now. So instead you are going to regret this forever. Maybe you won’t regret it in an all consuming way. Maybe instead it will just be a little ringing in the back of your mind. There will always be some part of you that wonders if you could have the independence that you’re craving while also being in a loving relationship. And you’ll never be able to escape it.”
I don’t really know if I mean that I would never come back to him. I want to be strong. I want to say that this is our final chapter, but I know that I will never be able to fully move on from the boy who taught me to love. If he did come back with flowers and his perfect smile, I would always consider it. When two people are meant to be together they will, it’s just taking him extra time to realise that.
I wish it was easier but it isn’t, it never will be.
-
“You’re amazing.” I told him.
I pulled him off the ground and into my arms. I placed my left hand on his chest and just stared at the ring.
He kissed my forehead. “I love you.” He told me.
-
“I’ll always love you.” He tells me.
I close his door and walk away.
You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.
2 comments
These conversations take place simultaneously? Between different people? Sorry, but I don't get it. Well written, but not to the prompt.
Reply
Well done. I like the way that both conversations seem authentic, even though only three months have passed. You can feel their heartache. Thanks for this.
Reply