Hearing Audrey

“Speak now.” Audrey begged the air as she stopped in the middle of the quiet field. She gazed out at the millions of stars, looking up higher and higher, and from left to right. The beauty was almost too much to comprehend and only added to her frantic overload. “Please speak to me Darius!” Audrey felt the salty wave of frustrated tears swell in her eyes.

           “What has brought you here dear child?” She heard the familiar and soothing voice call from above. It was the voice of a mother that seemed to be fading into the whispers of the night.

           “I want Darius. Please bring him to me, Mother Moon. I’ll sing your song if that is what you want me to do?” Audrey paused and parted her lips, ready to let out the melody, but just as she had tried a thousand times before, nothing but strained hums were heard aloud. It was a terrible feeling to be screaming inside yourself, begging to be heard for almost your entire life.

           “I’ve never expected you to sing. I hear your voice and it is the most beautiful. I’m sorry sweet girl, but Darius cannot see you anymore.” Mother Moon spoke softly. The words that were spoken with care felt like daggers to Audrey’s heart, leaving her unable to think, which was the only way she knew to speak.

           For a moment, no thoughts could flow through her mind, only images of Darius. Pictures from when they were both small and were practically mere insects among the tall grass she was then standing in. She felt her heart ache when she noticed herself towering above the long, green blades. Audrey was growing into a teenager, a beautiful young woman, a girl who must grow up. But she wasn’t your typical Wendy Darling. She wasn’t going to leave her Neverland without a fight. Audrey had been through too much to give up her only solace, and the man she loved.

           “I love you Mother Moon, I need you. I also need you to understand how much I love Darius.” She was looking up at the full moon and speaking to her from within herself. “I need you both. Please don’t leave me alone in this cruel world.” Audrey realized she was pleading more than she intended, but she was never one to stand her ground. This felt like the fight of her life and if she wanted to see Darius again, even just to say goodbye, she was going to need to demand for Mother Moon to bring him back.

           Audrey planted her bare feet firmly in the ground, balled her fist, and felt the raised scar across her throat begin to throb as she prepared to tell the moon and stars to bring back her true love. It only took a second of hesitation for her to get lost in the last memory she had of Darius.

           Across the wide-open field were thick trees all huddled together, and amongst those trees sat a castle. A wonderful castle of stones and twigs. It wasn’t hard to find. Audrey just had to search for the two trees that seemed to face each other. They were surrounded by large creek stones in a circle, there to protect the sacred fortress. To anyone who wasn’t Audrey, it was a dumb circle of rocks, but anything in her mind could become something magical and amazing. She voted to meet there that night, at the castle, but Darius told her to come to the field when Mother Moon was at her highest point.

           The last night she saw Darius started like the night she stood screaming for him to come back. Audrey crawled out of the first story window of her room, silently, so the people who claimed to be her parents wouldn’t catch her, though they never had before. They were nice people who really tried, Audrey knew that, but when they couldn’t understand her, they became just like the rest of the world.

When Audrey got to the field, Darius was waiting for her under the glow of the moon, a glow that seemed dimmer than normal. Not even a dull light could hide his brilliance though. Darius, a man now, looked far different from when Audrey and he were small. As children, his hair was honey golden with short, shaggy curls. His eyes were huge and dark brown. As a man, Darius had long, shoulder length, black hair. His eyes were small, bright blue, and enchanting. He seemed to be much like the lead vampire in Audrey’s favorite novel.

“Darius, why do you look so somber?” Audrey asked when examining his expression. She thought to herself, “I want to hold him, let him know that whatever it is, it will be okay.”

“I want to tell you the same thing. That everything will be okay, and that you are stronger than you think you are, Audrey.” Darius replied to her private thought.

“Why are you talking this way and why did we have to meet so late? You’re scaring me, Darius.”

“Look at Mother Moon. When was the last time you saw her smile or heard her voice as clear as day? You had to have known what was happening. I’ve stayed as long as I could, and maybe that was a mistake.”

Audrey looked up at Mother Moon, as full as ever, yet dimming her shinning light. The field wasn’t illuminated, and it was hard for Audrey to see her own footsteps. Mother Moon’s familiar dimples were just dark craters now.

Audrey looked at the moon, then at Darius, back to the moon, and finally, she stared in Darius’s eyes. She got what he was saying. Her solace was disintegrating. Breathing no longer felt natural but more so a thing she had to make sure she continued to do. Shallowly, air filled her lungs and deflated them. Filled and deflated. “Darius, but I love you. Don’t you love me?” Audrey asked and her breaths became momentarily longer.

“I am everything you want me to be, of course I love you.” Such sweet words cut through Audrey’s heart with a sting. When something hurt her, she ran to the field to meet Darius and Mother Moon. There she stood in the field, hurt, and with no where to go.

“This isn’t real!” Her insides screamed as she ran towards the thick trees, found the two that seemed to face each other, and laid herself in the center of the stones. That night though, Darius was not with her, and neither was Mother Moon’s glow. The darkness stopped the castle walls from building a fortress of protection around her, and the breeze chilled her bones. Audrey’s breathing became so shallow she thought it was the end, until a bright light blinded her eyes.

“I found her! She’s here!” A strange man’s voice called. She could see red and blue lights swirling around the trees. “Calm down Honey, everything’s okay now. Try to breathe.” The flash of light moved away from her face, and she could see the man in a police uniform.

Overwhelmed by the familiar lights and sirens, she tried to scream “Go away!”, but only gurgles came out.

“Don’t try to talk, Honey. We know about your voice. Your parents sent us to find you.” Audrey’s shallow breathing continued until she saw spots in front of her eyes. The spots grew and grew until the entire world was covered, and she slipped into darkness.

Audrey woke up in the hospital for the second time in her life. This time the room was not covered in cute, cartoon, animal paintings. Her blanket wasn’t brightly colored, and her nurse, though friendly, talked more maturely to her.

For two days she was forced to stay for observation, and an investigation. Everyone wanted to know what caused her to run off, and why was she found in such a panicked state. Were her adoptive parents to blame? Were they abusing Audrey because she couldn’t speak up to tell anyone about it? Audrey couldn’t answer their questions and refused to try. After two days of being trapped in the all-white room, with no sign of Darius or Mother Moon, she finally snatched the dry erase board out of the social workers hand. Audrey pressed the marker down so hard as she wrote that ink poured out in drips along the word, “HOME”, written in gigantic letters.

At home, Audrey locked herself away in her room. Her parents brought her food on plates with intricate, floral designs, painted onto breakable glass. She remembered the days when she’d stay home sick from pre-k, and her mom, her real mom, brought her kiddie trays with animals faces to her room. In the bowl of the monkey’s right eye were chopped up strawberries, the left eye held sliced bananas. The zoo animal’s wide smile held jelly and butter toast, in the shape of hearts of course.

Audrey twisted and turned in her bed, switching from side to side in frustration and sadness. She stopped, pausing her spazzing body to stare at her most prized possession. On her bedside table sat a framed photo of her, her mom, and her childhood friend, Atticus. The polaroid had always looked off inside the frame, but it was perfectly, imperfect. Audrey loved that she had taken it herself, and hated that she never got a chance to take another. There was one other copy of the photo in her room, hidden in a box, stuffed in the back of her closet, never to see the light of day.

That copy was in black in white with a headline above it that read, “Three Dead and One Survivor in Murder, Suicide.”. Audrey hadn’t read the article in years, but she lived the nightmare, there was no need to read it. It spoke of the night of Audrey’s 5^th birthday, well, the night before when she invited her best friend Atticus to sleep over and bake early birthday cookies. She had never been allowed to have a sleepover before because “daddy hates noise” her momma would say. That night though, he had a very long and late drive for his trucker job and shouldn’t have been home.

For the hundredth time in a row, he took his grown up drinks with him to work, and got fired. A storm was brewing inside Audrey’s daddy, and when he got home that night, he surprised her with the birthday gift of loneliness and forever silence.

Bang, for Audrey’s mom. Bang, for Audrey’s best friend. Even a bang for Audrey’s daddy, but for Audrey and the whining her daddy couldn’t stand, a blade to the throat, forever silencing her.

Audrey stared at the framed photo until a brief knock at the door interrupted her thinking. The door hinges creaked as the wooden rectangle let her adoptive mom walk past and into the room. She sat up in her bed, leaving room for the woman to sit.

“Audrey,” The woman began, “Your father and I have decided we are going to try those sign language classes again for you. I really feel you’ll pick up the signals this time. I never stopped practicing and have learned a lot. We love you sweetie. I want more than anything to understand you.”

Audrey stayed frozen and expressionless until the woman left, then her body twitched. Tears filled her eyes and the thought of trying her hardest to learn those hand signs again, just to fail, made her hide her head under the thick covers. Once, blankets were a fun fortress where she could hide from the monsters of the world and play with Darius while Mother Moon told stories from out in the sky. Now, the monsters found their way in with no Mother Moon or Darius in sight.

She could see the expressionless moon outside her window. “I have to see Darius again!” Audrey thought and jumped out of bed, not bothering to put on a jacket or shoes. Her nightgown swayed in the breeze as her bare feet carried her to the field to see Darius again, or to at least say goodbye.

With her feet firmly in the dirt below her and her fists balled, she was ready to stand her ground. “Mother Moon, I love him. I love Darius and he loves me, bring him back!” Audrey’s mind called to the moon.

“My dear, that is part of the trouble. You can’t love what isn’t real.” Mother Moon spoke in a whisper.

“But he is real! You both are! To me! Isn’t that enough?” Her thoughts broke into pieces with her heart. “Isn’t that enough for you to stay?”

“We will always be with you, sweet girl. We will be there to help, guide, and comfort, just not as we always have.” Mother Moon spoke barley loud enough to hear. Salty waves crashed onto the shore of Audrey’s cheeks. Her fists unclenched and her knees buckled, leaving her sitting amongst the tall grass. It was so hard to hear the moon. Audrey knew her solace was fading. She wailed in between the blades of prickly grass. “Look up for one last time.” Audrey obliged and realized Mother Moon’s image was fading as well, the sun rose in the distance. “Come back if you need, in one year’s time. The only way to see us though, is if you try to live without us, brave girl. Teach my song to someone new and trust that they will sing with you.”

And with that, Mother Moon disappeared into the sunrise and Audrey was left alone in her field of broken day dreams.

“Audrey, Honey. Why are you out here crying?” A soothing voice spoke from above the grass. She thought Mother Moon had come back and she shot up from the ground, only to discover her adoptive mom standing in the sunlight. Too heartbroken to think, she just felt. She wanted to be held by a soothing hand. Audrey ran into her adoptive mother’s arms and let her lead her home while she cried.

At the house, Audrey was tucked in gently and her head kissed softly. As she saw the caring woman who adopted her turn to walk away, she knocked on the dry erase board at her bedside. The woman came back and sat at the foot of the bed as Audrey wrote, “Can I teach you a song?”

“Of course, but may I show you how to sign it?” The woman asked with a little smile. Audrey hesitated, then nodded her head.

“Mother Moon, you shine so bright. Mother Moon, you live at night. Mother Moon, you read my mind. Mother Moon, you are so kind. Mother Moon, I see you. Mother Moon, I love you too.” Audrey wrote the lyrics on the board and hummed the tune. The woman caught on right away, singing and signing until Audrey drifted off to sleep.

A year later, Audrey did need to return to the field, but only to finally say goodbye.