caught between a rock and a liminal space

As I stepped inside, the rush of freezing, stale air from the convenience store was enough to sober me up. The cold made the forgiving heat in Lauren’s car a distant dream. The drive down the long avenue made all of this a fugue-like dream and I could almost forget I was about to rob this place when it was just me and this 24-hour open convenience store, and I peeked at the counter, one sad, lonely teenager scrolling idly through his phone. The temperature reminded me of stepping into a morgue to collect a body, which in a way, I am. I just don’t know whose yet. 

The broken coughs of the AC interrupt the staticky silence in the store. The radio doesn’t sound to be working, playing scratchy, overused pop songs. I let go of the door and let it fall.

Honestly, this is the best place to rob from, especially during that weird period of the night slowly retreating for the morning rush. It’s that time when you feel lonely and not alone when the cold night dulls the senses and pretends to comfort—a time when belief is suspended for a fragile moment and anything, everything is possible. 

I scrunched my nose up as I surveyed this sad establishment and sighed. Checking my phone and seeing no bars, I started to walk through the aisles - eyes slowly tracking the products on display. Shampoos, chocolates, dishwashing liquid - they all blur in the tepid haze I found myself under. The joint exhaustion of going out to celebrate the end of midterms and the rush of doing said midterms overnight was finally catching up to me. Weeks of procrastination culminated in a three-day fever dream of writing essays and finishing coursework. Then I got a call from North just minutes after my last exam; A little favor. And now I was here, with a semi-automatic gun hidden in my hoodie’s front pocket.

I feel as if I was a taffy stretched thin enough that I could pick apart the strands. I was barely there and I am barely here. Stuck in the present. I picked up a pack of gummy bears and a bottle of water when I passed the refrigerators stationed near the entrance barely stocked with anything. I closed it gently.

If I walked slowly, I could stay in this moment forever. The moment before I pulled the gun on some innocent kid. In this hypothetical, wonderful setting -  I wouldn’t have to do anything I don’t actually want to do, damn the consequences. I would live in a forever present tense. I’d just be a student, exhausted from going out, seeking refuge in a random convenience store. Maybe I would be wearing some cute dress, and maybe Lauren would be here with me instead of out there. We’d buy ice cream. Then we would go home, taking the last train home.

But in this story, the past caught up. And so I walked forward. 

When I found myself staring at the doughnuts on display on the left side of the store, opposite the counter, I stretched my arms upwards and looked up, discreetly checking the camera in the corner. Blinking rapidly, green and blue dots danced across my vision as I accidentally looked too long at the bright fluorescent lights framing it. I sighed and as I looked back down, something caught my eye - is it? I blinked again, and this time it is from equal parts of amazement and shock. I found my feet going forward without my conscious input and reached for something I last saw from my childhood - a tiny chocolate egg wrapped in pink foil -  Innocence in candy form.

I rolled the tiny chocolate in my fingers and remembered - eagerly waiting for my older brother to come home from school, barely stopping myself from stomping out of impatience. Hands holding out when he arrives, and grinning when he places one chocolate egg on my outstretched palms. I examined the chocolate now and while it looks smaller than the one in my memory, its almost greasy packaging is the same. But I am a completely different girl.

“Hey, are you buying anything, or what?” I looked up at the scowling face of - Mark. according to his nametag. “Dude, you gotta buy something or I’m going to ask you to leave.”

I walked to the counter, placing my haphazardly selected things on the sticky surface. The teenager sullenly looked at me, sighed, saw my meager offerings, and sighed again before scanning the items. 

“Long night?” I finally asked. Looking at him now, a memory pervaded the moment like an unexpected and unwelcome guest - overhearing a couple of girls I halfway knew from a class or two during a sleepover, thinking out loud and complimenting how tolerable I can be compared to other classmates. 

Sometimes, the cruelest things come out so casually. The worst things can happen in the mundane. I sniffed and tried not to shiver. 

“Long day, more like.” Mark sighed, and we both looked at the checkout counter making high-pitched trilling sounds - As if it was having a crisis. Mark slapped the screen twice before it turned black. He went under the counter, I leaned forward to follow him, to check its wires. He looked up and I quickly moved back again. “This happens, my boss - he said he was gonna fix it - ”

“It’s not a problem.” My feet bounced a little bit on the ground as I leaned back to check my exit, my blind spots. From the corner of my eye to my right,  I could see Lauren’s car right outside, “I, uh, I don’t mind waiting,”

“Cool," he paused for a while, typing into his phone before he continued, "So, uh, what brings you here on a Thursday night? You’re a student?”

“Yeah. Just done from my midterms.” I mentioned a local community college I have only seen in my commute. "You texted him?"

He nodded, "Yeah, he's on his way. The dorms are a bit far from the university, huh?”

I raised my eyebrow. He blushed, “It’s just -  my sister. She, uh, stays there for a week and comes home every weekend.” He fiddled with the keypad in front of him, avoiding my eyes. “Maybe you know her? She just won in this competition they had in her department,”

“Congratulations. You guys planning to celebrate?”

He grinned, “Yeah. We’re going out of town for the weekend. Our aunt’s place by the beach. It’s a dump, but uh, the sunrise is real pretty and we haven’t hung out for so long so … yeah.”

Something inside me twisted. The gun was heavy. 

I covered my mouth and coughed. I slipped my other hand into my jacket. “How’s the checkout  counter coming along?”

“Yeah, it’s a bust,” Mark shrugged then added, “Listen, it’s like 2 AM and the security camera isn’t working anyway.” I felt myself freeze before I realized he was still talking. ”- such a hassle and I bet you’re tired, so just take these things and lemme pay for you when it finally starts working again.”

“I can’t let you do that.” my mouth traitoriously started to say. “You don’t even know me.”

“Yeah, well you’re just trying to buy a water bottle and a pack of gummies, I’m not exactly paying for your tuition here,” he chuckled, “And you go to the same school as my sis. Just … consider this part of showing school pride, yeah?”

I looked at him closely - his pale face, the dark circles under his eyes, his slightly big uniform, making his shoulders a little broader than he is. On his neck there’s this dry, white patch - it took me a few seconds to place it - toothpaste. My throat constricted with the overwhelming urge to get this kid out of here, away from me. Something I imagine North should’ve done when he first saw me hanging out with the wrong crowd. Something I can do now. I took my hand out of my jacket and placed both on the counter.

“This has nothing to do with you, okay? It’s everything to do with your boss.” I shook my head as soon as Mark started to open his mouth, a question already formed - “He hasn’t been paying his debts. And he took money from the worst kind of person. The kind that you go to when you’re barely hanging on. And I - I was sent here to - to make things difficult for him.” 

I put my hand over my jacket’s pocket, the gun making an indentation. Mark immediately stepped back. “I know this comes as a shock and I know this is hard to believe or to trust me. You don’t know me, but you were gonna do something nice, so I’m doing you a solid - please just leave.”

“I have no fucking idea what you’re talking about - did Jaden send you to fuck with me cause I’m doing this shift as a favor,” he blinked profusely, his already pale face turning white, “This isn’t funny - ”

“This isn’t a joke. Listen, if you leave now, I can pretend to North your boss was the one I talked to - ”

“I can’t just leave, my boss is coming here in a few minutes - ”

“Hey, you.” An arm is thrown casually over my shoulder, and everything inside me is frozen.

“What’s the hold-up? Been waiting for you in the car for ages!” Lauren grinned at me, her eyes completely glazed over, her smile plasticky. She looked uncannily like the memory I remembered - a girl in wolf’s clothing.

Mark looked at me before looking at Lauren then back to me, nervous, “She’s with you?”

I nodded. And then - The entire convenience store and everything and everyone in it - for a moment, everything was up in the air, fluid, liminal. A moment in a standstill. All night, I’ve been feeling caught up in some place where nothing and everything matters. Lauren’s arm around me tightened, the way North would when he greeted people. This is something I was used to, being around him so often, laughing and crying because of him -  the feeling of being squeezed. But looking at Mark, there is an urge to imprint him into my brain the way I knew North - something permanent that cannot be taken away from me. I am afraid that my memories will not do him justice. 

 And then - 

I pulled out the gun.