Final Swim

      “I just can’t believe that he would do something like that.” Carmen sighed. “He was my idol growing up, and now I’m just left to pick up the pieces.”

           “I know it sucks, but it unfortunately happens quite often.” Her friend Abby responded, handing her a cup of tea and sitting down across from her. Carmen took a sip of the tea after gently blowing on it. It was lavender chamomile, her favorite. She sighed, even this wasn’t making her feel any better. Was it always going to be like this now?

           “I get that. And I knew that this time would come eventually, but not like this.” Carmen shook her head. “This is not how I expected it to go. I honestly wasn’t sure that I would be alive when it happened.” She took another sip of her tea and set the cup down on the table in between them. But she had to move it because she accidentally set it on the groove in the table where he had cut it with a knife one time. She ran her finger over the groove, remembering the way he continuously apologized that day.

           Abby took a sip of her own cup of tea, the two of them sitting in silence, processing. This was a tough situation for both of them, but especially Carmen. Carmen was planning to sit on her couch and watch sad movies to cry out all her tears when Abby knocked on her door, holding a box of tea and some muffins. They were blueberry muffins, also Carmen’s favorite, but she hadn’t had the will to eat in a couple of days. But it was nice to see Abby, she always showed up right when Carmen needed her.

           “I just wish I could have done something to help, you know? Found a way to talk him out of it or something.” Carmen paused to take another sip of tea. “But he was always so loud and making everyone laugh. He always seemed so happy. I never saw this coming. Not from him.” Carmen shook her head.

           “That happens. Sometimes we don’t know until it’s too late.” Abby reached across the table and set her hand on top of Carmen’s. “I know that this is a hard thing to process, but we’re going to get through it, together.” Abby gave her a gentle smile. She was always the best at comforting of their little trio.

           “Thank you Abby. I really appreciate that.” Carmen smiled slightly. “I bet if he was here right now he would know just the thing to make us laugh. He was always good at that.”

           “That he was.” Abby shook her head. “Even though he was a bumbling idiot. I do miss him.”

           “I miss him so much. And I think the hardest part is expecting him to walk through the door at any given second. Like it was all a dream or something. And he just went on one of his random trips and forgot to tell us when he’ll be back.” Carmen tried to blink back tears and Abby squeezed her hand. “I miss his hugs and his laugh. And the way he used to pick me up and spin me around when I least expected it. And he wouldn’t stop until I begged him to.”

           “He loved the way you laughed when he did that, even as you begged him to stop.” Abby laughed a little.

           “I miss the way he had to duck through every doorway because he was just too tall.” Carmen was starting to cry no matter how much she tried to stop it.

           “Do you remember the time that he hit his head because he didn’t realize the ceiling height had changed?” Abby asked, clearly trying to bring some joy to the situation. And Carmen did laugh.

           “Yeah. And he got a concussion from it, and he was mad that he couldn’t play video games for like a month or something like that.” Carmen continued to laugh through her tears.

           “I remember every time he tried to play them we would remind him that he couldn’t, and he would throw pillows at us.” Abby smiled.

           “And then we would distract him with board games and pizza.” Carmen added.

           “Yeah. That was an interesting time.” Abby sighed. And they both fell into silence as they took sips of their tea. Carmen was still crying, no matter how happy the memories were.

           “We’re never going to be able to make memories like that with him again.” Carmen sighed. “I wish he wouldn’t have done what he did.”

           “I do too. But we can’t change the past.” Abby looked like she was about to start crying.

           “We will never hear him shout taco Tuesday on a Friday again. Or cannonball as he dives into a pool. Do you think he…?” Carmen trailed off, shaking her head. That was an insane thought to have.

           “Do you really think he would?” Abby gasped, pulling her hand back.

           “I mean with his humor, it wouldn’t surprise me. Even at the end of everything, I like to imagine that his humor didn’t change.” Carmen shook her head. “Though it does sound crazy to think about now that I’ve said it out loud. But that is the kind of person he was. He would make a joke out of anything. I really do miss him. To think that we’re never going to see that bumbling idiot again is just… terrible. It feels like the worst thing that is ever going to happen to me. To us. It feels like the world is coming to an end.”

           “Don’t say that. The world is not ending.” Abby scolded.

           “But it does. Imagining a world without my older brother, it just doesn’t feel possible. It feels like the world has ended and I’m just stuck in the aftermath of it all. Just hanging in the fragments of what was and what never will be.” Carmen started fully sobbing. “He’s gone and he’s never coming back. And the only solace that I can find in that is the idea that he kept his humor until his last breath. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t say it out loud.” Carmen stopped to take a deep breath.

           “You can say it. It won’t hurt me, I promise.” Abby reassured her. “I know I seemed offended that you would suggest it earlier, but everyone processes things differently, and this is how you need to process. Get it all out there. I understand.” Abby gave her another gentle smile. Carmen took another deep breath, but it did nothing to stop the tears.

           “I find a weird solace in thinking that when he jumped off that bridge into the river below, he did it shouting cannonball, as he would have diving into any other body of water.” Carmen wiped the tears from her eyes. “I just wish he hadn’t dove off that bridge at all.”