Murder Over Mimosas

“On Sunday, when I go to get my things, I’ll have my revenge.” Melissa resolutely raised her bloody mary to her lips.

Amy rolled her eyes at Melissa, taking another sip of her mimosa. 

“A desire as old as time itself. Listen Mel, I don’t want to be callous or jaded, but I think revenge is a bit dramatic. People cheat all the time. I’ve done it. You’ve done it. When we find ourselves on the receiving end, all we can do is grab our things from the medicine cabinet and move on. Or sue. You can always find something to sue over in a relationship where there are financial entanglements.”

Melissa gaped at her. “Amy! I’ve never cheated on anyone. Wait, who have you cheated on? Was it Jack? I know he was too nice for you, but he didn’t deserve…”

“Besides the point,” Amy interjected, tossing the brunch menu down onto the table they shared at Brasserie Marcel. “Secondly, I know I’m not your lawyer, but I am a lawyer. And I’m going to advise you not to make vague threats like that. It just opens up a can of worms for the opposition if Doug ever tries to take you to court.”

“OK then, let me be clearer…” started Melissa, only to be interrupted by a habitually tardy Jade. 

“Sorry I’m late,” she huffed. “I had to help James get the kids packed up. What’d I miss?” Jade swept her maxi skirt into the café chair, looking gratefully at the Irish coffee waiting for her. Nothing could buy the kind of friends who know your drink and order it before you ever show up. “This better be an actual emergency, ladies. James has all three at the children’s museum by himself, and I don’t know how long he can hold out.”

“Don’t you have all three out by yourself all the time?” scoffed Amy. “Why can’t he handle taking care of his own kids for a couple of hours?”

“Well for one, the children’s museum is super busy on Saturdays. Like one undulating mass of grubby fingers just trying to share the stomach bug with you. And I don’t want to push him too far. One bad run-in with a helicopter parent and James will be needing Amy’s legal services. Men can sprint, but they just aren’t built for marathon parenting.”

Amy cocked her brow. “That’s sexist.”

Jade shrugged. “And true.”

“Can we get back to my revenge?” sighed Melissa. “I need you guys to help me figure out how to ruin his life. I have one brief window of opportunity when I go to get my stuff out of his apartment tomorrow, so I have to make it count.” 

“Wait- I did miss something. You guys are breaking up? Why?” Jade’s face was that mix of pity and concern that really grated on Melissa. Like she was contemplating breaking out her printed band-aide collection to somehow lessen the sting of this betrayal. 

“Doug cheated on Melissa,” clarified Amy. 

“Oh shit, Mel. I’m sorry.” Jade sipped her whiskey-laced coffee. “Man. The kids are going to be so sad. They still think you guys actually make the toys you buy for them. I guess Melissa and Doug is over.”

“That was never funny,” said Melissa. “The constant reactions to that got old so fast. ‘Melissa and Doug?! You guys are going to have so many kids!’” She feigned a gag and washed it down with her bloody mary. 

“You thought it was cute before today,” teased Jade. “You want kids!”

“Not with him. Not anymore.” Melissa tried not to pout. She stiffened her lips into a line, but they defied her with a quiver. 

“Jokes aside, I’m really sorry Mel,” she said, reaching out to pat her hand in her naturally motherly way. “How did you find out?”

“I had planned to stay late on Friday to finish lesson plans for next week and lay out materials. But Carol- you know the little blonde first year who teaches the second-grade class they added this year? She brought me her plans to pay me back for that week she had the flu, so long story short I finished up quicker than I thought I would.”

“TL;DR. Get to the part where you find out,” said Amy.

Jade shot a sideways glance at her. “Let her finish. You can’t rush catharsis Amy.” Amy sighed and ran her eyes over the specials.

“So I went over to Doug’s place, thinking I’d surprise him with margaritas and a movie night. I used my key to open his door, and I immediately knew something was up. I could smell her Victoria’s Secret perfume a mile away. It was like walking into a shopping mall. I made my way to his room, bottle of Jose Cuervo still in my hand. I couldn’t believe it when I saw them. The bottle slipped from my grip as I stood in the doorframe and tequila spread all over the floor. I high-tailed it out of there. He tripped over his bed sheets trying to stop me, but what could he say? I just texted him that I’d pick up my stuff the next day.” Melissa looked hard into her drink, as if trying to summon her next step from its depths.

“What are you going to do now?” asked Jade.

“Not sure. I want to be the bigger person, you know? But I also want to eat popcorn and watch him suffer.”

“If it were me, I would pick the thing he loves most in the world and destroy it. In dramatic fashion. If James ever cheated on me, I would take each one of his Star Wars Lego sets apart and dump every last piece into a trash bag. Then I’d give the whole thing a good shake and dump it on the bed where I found him cheating. Or on second thought, I might take a crowbar to his PlayStation. I bought it after all. That’d be a lot less work than taking all those tiny pieces apart.”

“Stop while you’re ahead, Jade.” Amy said between sips. “Stick with the Lego plan- there’s nothing illegal about disassembling a Lego set. There is something very illegal about destroying his PlayStation. Even if you bought it, you transferred ownership to him when you gifted it. To then destroy would be destroying private property and you would have to compensate him. You’d have bought him one twice by the time you got out of court. The trick is to find a legalway to torture him.” She turned to Melissa. “Jade’s right about one thing. You go for the thing he loves. What does Doug cherish more than anything?”

“Doug doesn’t really love anything. I mean, he likes things. He likes watching reruns of That 70s Show. He likes Chinese food. He likes having a drink after work. But none of that is stuff I can take from him, and none of it matters enough to make a real impact.” 

Amy pursed her lips, thinking. “OK, then go for the thing he hates. What does he really, really hate?” 

“He hates it when people try to sell him stuff. He almost lost it on a guy who tried to sell him shoe cleaner out of one of those booths in the mall once.”

“That’s perfect- we can work with that,” Amy said. “Now this is not legal advice. But if it were me, I would sign him up for a thousand different sales calls. Fill out a zillion contact forms to show interest in things he hates, then sit back as the calls start rolling in. Go on to the websites of every Church or religious organization in the area- the Mormons, the Jehovah’s Witnesses, the Scientologists- fill out a form saying he would like to talk to someone. They will harass him for months for free.” 

Their waitress, a thin old woman with the nametag “Jan” sidled up to their table. “Good morning ladies, how are the drinks? Good? Can I get you started on anything to eat?”  

“I’ll have the eggs Benedict,” piped Amy. She pointed to Jade, “She will have your avocado toast with extra bacon on the side. And she will have the croque madame with the sauce on the side.” 

“In a hurry are we?” asked Jan, curious.

“Just plotting come revenge on a cheater with time contraints,” said Jade. 

“Guys, can we just not overshare with the waitress please?” objected Melissa. 

“You can’t say waitress anymore Mel,” chided Amy. “They’re all servers now.”

“Just one day, Amy,” Melissa whined. “Just this one day please don’t wokesplain me, K?”

“Oh, no that’s OK,” interjected Jan. “I’m fine with waitress. And I love revenge, I’m a true crime fanatic. How does he take his coffee?”

Melissa looked at the waitress warily. “Cream and sugar. Why?” 

“Oh, you’re in luck,” said the waitress. “I’ve got the perfect solution for you. Antifreeze. Mix a little in his coffee. It’s sweet, so he shouldn’t notice over the cream and sugar. Plus it’s so common, especially this time of year, it’s not out of the ordinary to buy it. What with the ice and all.” 

Amy gaped over the rim of her mimosa. “Don’t say anything Mel,” she advised, never taking her eyes from the waitress. “Ma’am, you really shouldn’t say things like that. If someone takes your advice to actually murder their cheating exes, you could be charged with incitement.”

The waitress shrugged, her apron flair jangling. “Just tryna help,” she said, moving on to the next table on her rounds.

“That got dark really quick,” said Melissa. “But she’s got some creative solutions. Thinking outside the box.” 

“I didn’t hear that,” said Amy. “I’m also very conflicted about eating whatever food that one brings out.”

Just then Jade’s eyes widened and she tapped hurriedly on the table next to Mel’s plate. She raised a timid finger toward the entrance. And there he was- Doug. And on his arm was the fake blonde, extension-wearing hussy he had nailed last night.

“Don’t break the glass, honey.” Jade gently pried the half-drunk bloody mary that Melissa didn’t realize she was white-knuckling from her hand.

“What an asshole,” said Amy. “He knows that Marcel’s is your haunt. He couldn’t have had the decency to order uber eats?” 

“He’s always been cheap. Doesn’t like paying the tip or the delivery fee,” Melissa forced through gritted teeth. 

All three of them stared at the two new lovers as they were ushered to a seat. Doug’s hair was combed to the side, looking polished with a ridiculous amount of pomade. His pants were pressed, his polo crisp, but his eyes were dark and had bags under them. He clearly hadn’t gotten much sleep. And not in a rejuvenating, night-full-of-passion kind of way. He looked a man beat down- exhausted. The blonde was on her phone, flipping through some feed or another on her phone. She didn’t look up when Jan asked what drinks she could get started. The pair didn’t look at each other the whole meal. Barely five words passed between them.

“Wow. They are perfect for each other,” said Melissa. “I can’t believe I have been fantasizing for the last 24 hours all the ways I was going to make his life miserable, but he’s gone and done it for me.” 

“I have always said that natural consequences really do make the best punishments,” said Jade. 

“Ladies, thank you for cheering me up. And preventing me from doing anything illegal.” said Melissa. “I’ve got the check.” Melissa left 20%, even though Jan was creepy. True crime fans have to eat too. Plus she needed to know that her food at Marcel’s was safe- she couldn’t lose the two loves of her life in the same week. 

Amy, and Jade, and Melissa stepped out of the café and into the sunny Saturday morning air. Amy was off to prepare for her upcoming voire dire. Jade hurried to the children’s museum to relieve her husband. And Melissa, strangely peaceful, was on to something new.