Dear Diary,

Well..

I am now 16 years old! I have a learner’s permit and am practicing driving. Dad allows me to drive on the way to/from school to band practice. He says I have a lead foot.

He strokes his upper lip, where his red mustache used to be, and says, “I need you to practice driving slower so you can drive yourself to school after you get your license.” 

Does this mean I will get my own car, Diary??!!

I met A SPECIAL guy. He is six feet tall, with strawberry blonde hair, and the most beautiful brown eyes. He plays trombone but also plays football. Starting tight end. #82 

He is so funny, handsome, and strong. Sean.  

 We text every day. And we hang out in the band room before school starts. He makes the steel grey band room walls happy. He makes me happy too!

 I hope he asks me to the Homecoming Dance. Maybe we could have our first kiss….

I think about that all the time….

XOXOXO,

Caitlin

Dear Diary,

HOMECOMING tickets went on sale today! I hope Sean heard the announcement. The dance is in 2 weeks.

XOXOXO,

Caitlin

Dear Diary,

Our football team lost again last night, 24-21. 

Sean is sad….I would love to hint about the Homecoming Dance but he has football on his mind.  

Should I tell Mom and Dad about him? What about my brother, Nick? 

XOXOXO, 

Caitlin

Dear Diary,

HELP ME! I made the mistake of telling Nick about Sean. Now Nick is hanging out in the school band room and spying on me.  

I hope Sean invites me to the Homecoming Dance.

We keep talking, flirting, and texting. 

 I think he likes me but

I don’t know what to do!

He seems all smiley when we are together. He sends me winky texts.

If he would only ask me to the dance.

Becca and Ashley have dates to the dance. It is not like I am ugly or mean.  

XOXOXO

Caitlin

Dear Diary,

It happened! Sean met me at my locker today. He said, “ Will you be my date to the Homecoming Dance?”

I squeaked and said an emphatic, “yes”. I think everyone in the hall heard me. I know that Nick saw me, but I don’t care. I need to talk to Mom and Dad about the dance anyhow.

“I am the luckiest guy in the world to have you as my date,” and he smiled,

XOXOXO,

Caitlin

Dear Diary,

Dress Shopping Day!

We start early. Mom grabs a coffee. Becca goes along with us. She wants a green dress because she says it will look great with her auburn hair.

I would like a royal blue dress. Royal blue will look great against my fair skin, blonde hair and cornflower blue eyes. 

After going to the local mall (and seeing almost everyone we know), Mom gets the idea to drive an hour away, to CC's boutique. They specialize in Homecoming dresses.  

What an amazing dress-Strapless medium blue with sequins on top and a tulle skirt. IT HAS SPARKLES!!! Mom says the dress brings out the color of my eyes. I can make the dress twirl when I spin. 

Becca finds a green satin dress with spaghetti straps. She calls her parents for permission to buy it and they agree.

6 days!

XOXOXO,

Caitlin

Dear Diary,

Sean just texted me and asked what he should wear. I told him that he should wear blue. 

He sent me a kissy face emoji back.

HAPPY!!

XOXOXO,

Caitlin

Dear Diary,

Sean wrapped his big strong biceps around me, pulled me close and gave me a kiss after school today. I felt electric jolts pulsing through my body…FIRE!

 My first kiss….our first kiss. I didn’t want to pull away from Sean but knew I would be late. I am still learning to drive, and Dad is making me drive to and from school. 

Don’t tell anyone, and especially not my annoying brother, Nick!

XOXOXO,

Caitlin

Dear Diary,

Sean has been sending me the cutest emojis!  

We are meeting after school. He wants to meet Dad before the big dance. He is so polite.

My friend Becca commented that Sean is extremely handsome. She asked me how I got SO lucky to snag a date with him. He is definitely considered upper tier at our school, she said.

And what I am, I wondered? Lower tier? Honestly, who says that to a friend? 

XOXOXO,

Caitlin

Dear Diary,

I like Sean. Even my Dad likes him.

 I think about him constantly.  Did I mention that he is a great student? He is in the top 5% of the senior class and is applying to Ivy league colleges. Sean is so smart, like rocket scientist level smart, and wants to be an aerospace engineer. 

He is both athletic and musical. People say he runs fast, and has a high vertical leap, which are good qualities for a tight end. Sean enjoys playing his trombone in the jazz band.  

Becca’s boyfriend is nice, but a dweeb. Derek’s French horn playing is mediocre, as he sits 3rd chair out of 6. He doesn’t talk much. He just follows Becca around the school.  

Becca needs followers. She constantly needs reassurance. Derek adores her and gives her all the props.

My school days are a blur….all I can think about are those few moments when I get to see Sean in between classes.

 What are those teachers babbling about?

Only 2 days !!!!

XOXOXO,

Caitlin

Dear Diary,

Our football team finally won a game! The band’s halftime performance was awesome.  We played retro music-Earth, Wind, and Fire-the elements- as my parents call them.

I saw Sean briefly after the game tonight…and then Nick showed up.  

We were just talking but Nick started making kissy noises….ARGH…my little brother is so annoying.

I yelled to Nick, “Get your own date for the dance.” Nick responds, “Dances are for losers! “ And then he says, “I will meet you at the car. “

Sean suddenly extends his strong muscular arms and he takes our first selfie! I kiss him on the cheek. He smiles the most amazing smile. And then he posts our picture on his Instagram. Me in my royal blue band uniform and Sean in his football uniform,@Seanmcd82 We are totes adorbs!!!!!

He is picking me up at 5:30PM. We can do pictures at your house and then we will go to Trattoria Tassa for dinner before the dance. 

I am so excited…. I can’t wait. I kiss him again…..I didn’t care if his uniform felt sweaty or if he had some dirt on his forehead. Or if Nick saw us.  He kisses me back.

I feel dizzy, but I need to go.

TOMORROW is the big day!!!

XOXOXO,

Caitlin

P.S.-I am the only girl on Sean's Instagram. The rest of the pictures are football teams and the musical groups. He has 754 followers, including Becca.

Dear Diary,

I slept today until 12:30. Dreaming about Sean...I can’t wait to see him, to dance with him, to kiss him. 

Oh no-I only have 4 ½ hours to get ready! Mom wants to take pictures.

I hurriedly shower, and curl my hair and put on makeup. Now, the dress. And my navy- blue heels. I twirl around the room nearly knocking over my makeup stand. I am dizzy. Dad yells, “Caitlin come down here, please. “

Sean shows up right on time, 5:30PM. Becca and Derek are with him. 

 I am surprised. 

I smile. He looks ruggedly handsome in his navy suit. His tie matches my dress perfectly. He gives me a wrist corsage; white roses, with baby’s breath and silver glitter.  

Glitter-if it was socially acceptable, I would glue glitter to my face.

You look stunning, Sean says. I blush

I tell Sean he looks handsome.

Click goes Mom’s camera.

Becca’s dress looks great; I tell her how pretty she looks.

“Thanks,” she says, “You look nice too.”

Derek tells me I look pretty. “I almost didn’t recognize you, “ he says.

And we are on our way.

 Sean is driving his parents’ black sedan.

I float my way to the car. 

XOXOXO,

Caitlin

Dear Diary,

I have butterflies in my stomach; I can't eat.

Becca, Derek and Sean are eating and talking.

Becca has boundless energy. Derek is his usual quiet self, just chewing his lasagna and mumbling something about needing to retake the SATs.

Sean seems happy, yet pensive.  

We arrive. The school gym is decorated in royal blue and white. I love the silver disco ball in the middle of the floor. It is so glittery!

The DJ is playing a variety of music…POP, R&B, HipHop, Top 40. 

Then he plays “September”, by Earth, Wind and Fire. Only four other couples are dancing. Let’s go…I grab Sean’s hand and we head out to the dance floor. I never noticed how big his hands are! Wow, mine look like baby hands.

I teach Sean the basic hustle step. He is smiling and having fun. Becca and Derek join us. Becca is a great dancer; she is on the school’s dance team. Derek just sways side to side.

The song ends and the DJ plays “All of Me,” by John Legend. The lights suddenly dim. Sean grabs my arm and pulls me in tight….wow….Is this really happening to me? His beautiful lips brush mine as holds me close.

Then, “Faithfully,” by Journey comes on. Sean and I take another selfie. He extends his arm, and says, “I am so proud to be here with you.” I am melting….he is amazing. We are swaying in time to the music…

I hope this night never ends.

I hope my breath doesn’t smell like pizza.

I can barely breathe.

The DJ switches the song. “I like it,” by Enrique Iglesias. 

Becca asks Sean to dance.  The two of them start moving all over the dance floor. Derek and I are awkwardly standing there. He shrugs his shoulders and we try to dance.  

I suggest we get some punch. 

We watch Sean and Becca tearing up the floor. And Becca is taking selfies. Their bodies seem to flow with the music. 

Usher’s “DJ Got Us Fallin in Love,” is blaring from the speakers. Becca and Sean are lost in the mosh pit at the front of the gym. 

Derek and I continue to sip our punch and try to talk. The music is too loud.

Some other friends come over and we are just hanging in a group, drinking our punch and munching on some cookies. 

DJ calls out, last song. He plays, “I Gotta Feeling,” by The Black Eye Peas. 

Everyone goes out to dance….except for Derek and Gail, another French horn player. They seem content to hang by the punch bowl.

Sean comes over to me, he starts dancing. “I am so glad I found you.” 

And with those words I melt again.  

XOXOXO,

Caitlin

Dear Diary,

What a night-AMAZING! I had so much fun. Sean is incredible. He walked me to the door and gave me the steamiest kiss goodnight.  

Becca and Derek waited in the car. I know Derek had his arm around Becca. 

My phone is blowing up….a text from Sean…”Good morning, beautiful.” Heart eyed emoji.

Becca, “I had the best time last night, smiley face, LOL”

Nick bangs on the door and barges into my room, his dirty blonde hair hanging in his eyes.

“Have you seen Sean’s Instagram? There are 4 pictures of you on it, “ says Nick.

I go on Instagram @Seanmcd82. Wow those pictures are fantastic-look at us! Look at him. I start dancing around my bedroom.

I don’t know how I can concentrate on my trig homework today….all I can think about it Sean.  

I think I love him.

XOXOXO,

Caitlin

Dear Diary,

I can hardly wait to get to school and see Sean again. Dad reminds me that I am driving too fast and I need to slow down.  

“You ‘ll never get your license if you speed like this-what is you hurry, Caitlin?" Dad asks.

I have a lot to do today.

He asks if my speeding would have anything to do with Sean. 

Nick makes kissy noises in the back seat.

I turn bright red. 

If I wasn’t driving….I would throw something at him. I hope he grows up-SOON.

I go directly to the band room, hoping to see Sean, talk to him, give him a hug, etc. But he isn’t there. Instead, I am met by Gail, the senior French horn player. 

Gail calls me over and asks if I have seen Sean’s Instagram. Of course, I say. Sean and I look great. 

Gail continues, have you seen Sean’s other Instagram?

Other, Instagram?

I look at her quizzically and she shows me. He has another account with about a dozen pictures of him and Becca. He and Becca are hanging by the pool this past summer, they are posed riding in his blue truck. I keep scrolling, Becca in her purple bikini, and the tears well up in my eyes. What is happening?

I have to find out.

I tell Gail that I have to go to class and run out of the band room door.  

I NEED TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON….Becca and Sean.

XOXOXO,

Caitlin

Dear Diary,

I see Sean in between classes. I am quiet. He looks at me with his beautiful brown eyes. My eyes well up with tears and I walk away.

 I agree to meet him after school. We meet at my locker, near the band room.

He asks if I still like him, and I explain that I do, very much. Sean says that he likes me too. And I can see by the look in his eyes that he is sincere.

“What’s wrong?” he says. 

Tears well up in my eyes…I stutter..

Finally, I say,” I saw your Instagram.”

He smiles his big beautiful smile.

" Don’t we look great?" He says. 

But….as I choke back the tears, I continue, “Gail showed me your OTHER Instagram. 

Did you and Becca hang out this summer?” I ask.

Sean lowers his eyes. And then he says, “Yes, we were dating, for about four months.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”, I ask.

He says, “Becca thought it was best that I didn’t tell you. She was concerned that you wouldn’t go out with me, some sort of “friends don’t date other friends’ exes rule.”

“Hey, Caitlin, I really like you, I really do and I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”

“What happened with you and Becca?” I ask.

Sean continues, “One Saturday afternoon Becca and I went to the lake swimming. I picked up a six pack of beer from my parents’ refrigerator and brought it with me. Becca and I swam and had a great time. On our way home from the state park, my truck veered off the road and hit a tree. My truck was still drivable, so I took Becca home. Becca’s Mom, Mrs. Murphy, took one look at my truck and asked me what happened. I told her the truth. She forbid me from dating Becca and told me to get off of her property and head home immediately.  Becca and I stopped seeing each other. I didn’t even text her… it was hard, but we broke it off.”

“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?” I am almost yelling at this point. Hurt and anger have taken over my body. I feel flushed. I feel sick. I think I am going to pass out. 

“Caitlin, I really, really like you. I wanted to go to my last Homecoming Dance with YOU. You are amazing, so beautiful, and sweet. If I told you about Becca, I thought you wouldn’t go with me,” he said.

“But why have Becca around all of the time?” I ask him.

“You know that I am applying to colleges?” he says.

I nod.

“Well, I am applying to 6 colleges, all Ivy League, but one. I am also applying to the U.S. Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs. This application requires a letter from your congressperson," he explains.

I nod again.

“The Academy is my first choice. I really want to be a fighter pilot. And Becca told me, Sean looks down at the ground, mumbling, “if I didn’t hang out with her this year, she would contact our local congressperson and tell them about my drunk driving incident. I am so OVER Becca, but I am trying to keep her happy. At least until I get into the Academy,” he says.

I am in shock…..Diary, this is CRAZINESS! My friend Becca lies to me and Sean is too afraid of her to tell me the truth.

I look Sean in the eyes and I tell him.. I need time….and space….

He agrees and sheepishly walks away. 

My spirit is crushed. 

XOXOXO,

Caitlin

Dear Diary,

I can’t believe it. I have decided to give him and Becca, space, lots of space. I like him, but WHY DIDN’T HE TELL ME THE TRUTH?

I don’t want to go to school any more. It is so hard. I saw him at jazz band practice this morning. I nodded and looked away.

Becca continues to text me. She doesn’t know that I know the truth. I say that I am busy and then I ghost her. 

I am going to throw myself into my school work, and we have a band competition coming up. I practice my sax a lot, but it sounds both melodic and sad. I think my saxophone cries too.

I wonder if Derek knows. I wonder if Derek would care. He seems to adore Becca, so I let him be.

I guess I wasn’t meant to enjoy the rest of high school. 

XOXOXO,

Caitlin

Dear Diary,

The leaves have all fallen off of the trees. The world is grey, just like my spirit. I can look at Sean now, and even fake a little smile. But it is all over…the magic is gone. 

I wonder how he feels. I wonder if he is sad. 

I can’t even look at Becca….SHE IS A JERK!

 I am in my room, playing “If You Had My Love,” By Jennifer Lopez. I head to the kitchen to get some mint chocolate chip ice cream. It goes well with this song. 

I grab my spoon and dig into the half gallon. 

Diary, thank you for being there for me.

XOXOXO, 

Caitlin