Runaway with Me

The evening sky was lit wonderfully with a hint of orange and pink pushing the blue away with the lowering sun. I watched it out of the window as Julianna tied my corset, adjusting my breathing with every pull I quietly assessed how this night should go.

It must go according to plan.

I thought as the breath was pulled out of me. My stockings were soft under the layers of thin skirts, I wiggled my toes in excitement as Julianna tapped my side to indicate I was fully tied and ready for my dress to be lifted and put on over my head. I raised my arms and felt the soft fabrics pull and move to sit nicely above my undergarments. She was careful not to snag it on the brackets and motioned for me to sit while she finished my hair. I took an uncomfortable breath and tried to sit but the corset only allowed me to get to the edge of the seat pushing my stockinged feet into the soft carpets so as to not tip over. 

I made eye contact with Julianna through the mirror and asked, “Can you do it a little looser this time, last time I felt like my head was being stabbed by pins all night.” I asked. “Ma’am you if I don’t pin it properly and it falls there will be hell to pay. And then who will be blamed? For sure not you, your mother will come after me.” Julianna said gruffly in response as she shoved more and more pins into my scalp. I knew her words were true, but I couldn’t breathe and now I was being stabbed, my cheeks flushed, and my eyes filled with tears as she continued but I kept my thoughts to myself.

“Darling?,” I heard as the door began to creep open, my mother walking in briskly perfectly pinned and poised like a statue, “Good you’re already dressed. Now tonight must go perfectly. You are to appear ready to dance with any eligible suitor. No more sideways glances at your friends when asked, no more of these childish ways. You are in need of a legitimate suitor. Do not disappoint me and your father again with your crass behavior.” There was no warmth or hint of love in her tone.

I took a deep breath as I lowered my gaze from her steely eyes in the mirror and just nodded my head. Julianna didn’t say a word, but her pin pricks were less harsh as she finished my hair.

All I wanted was to stay home and read I had no desire to

go out and smile amongst a room full of men who were just categorizing who would be best at running their households, the women in this situation rarely gained a happy lifestyle, yes they had money and food on their tables which to some was the most important reason to marry but what about love? Was everything

I read about in books just fairytales that were created to trick us into submission since it was a hope or a dream that may happen one day? That our husbands will stop seeking the brothel houses and come home to sweep us off our feet with not just flowers and gold but with kind words and kinder actions. Was everything I ever hoped for unachievable in this world of mine? Was it better to be penniless and loved than to be lonely and well fed.

Tonight, must go perfectly, I thought to myself. I must lay out my plans to run away with Lizette and I must go. Tonight, must go according to plan. No regrets, no turning back. 

I had been saving as much pin money as possible and anything mother had given me for the modiste only picking the smallest of changes to my dresses to not seem as if I was wearing the same style or pattern and pocketing the rest. 

Tonight, I would find a way to be free. 

I could see the carriages arriving outside my window and I slipped my feet into my heels, then ran to hide a small bag of clothes and money inside one of my cloaks that I had laid out on my chair earlier this evening. I made sure to conceal the bag well enough that Julianna wouldn't be curious to move or worse look inside the satchel.

Deep breaths, I thought as I walked out of my room and down the staircase to meet my mother and father at the front door. They were fussing at each other in the open doorway, mother adjusting father's attire and him telling her to leave it alone.

I smiled in their direction as I waited for them to walk to the carriage and my mother began telling me again how important finding a suitor was if not more than one so that I may fulfill my duties quickly and become engaged. I do not think she worried so much about the actual marriage part as she did the engagement. She always told me long engagements were best to really see my suitor's potential of being a good husband. But I was beginning to wonder if now she just wished to be free of me. What she would never understand was that I wasn't interested in any of it. I simply wanted the freedom to do what I wanted and to love who I chose. Not to be stuck forever with someone chosen for me who did not value or truly see me.

The carriage rocked back and forth as did my nerves as the reality of what this night would change for me set in. The plans I had thought and dreamed about were about to come to fruition.

As the carriage pulled to a halt my hands began to get clammy under my silk gloves. I reached for my father's hand to steady me as I exited and began walking into the gala.

There were so many people there one could get lost in the crowd quickly enough. I scanned the room, eyes intent on speaking to my friend and letting her know my plans. She would be the one person I would stay in contact with. The one person to tell me about my family, though I knew I would miss them deep in my heart, I also knew that I had to leave before they made me make a drastic decision that would ruin my life forever.

Finally I saw her standing next to the lemonade table awkwardly waiting for someone to strike up a conversation or ask her to dance. She was not like me in that sense. She wanted to be whisked away and married because she believed that everything that would lead up to the wedding would be enough for her to feel fulfilled even when the wooing that started their relationship had died. For her the promise of security and a home was all she needed. Love wasn’t even on the table. 

“Lizette. I must speak with you.” I said as I approached her, unnoticing the two gentlemen who were coming towards us. 

One cleared his throat to grasp our attention as she was about to answer her eyes drifted to his with a soft smile and a wave of her fan, she moved so eloquently, I could never be that graceful.

“Ahmmm… Would you care to dance?” He asked with a polite

bow. He held out his hand for her to take, his friend standing guard but also eyeing me in a strange way.

“Of course.” Lizette said lowering her eyes and then

slowly meeting his gaze when she took his hand. Moving ever so slightly forward she allowed him to lead her toward the dance floor.

“So, miss, what is it that is so important that you rushed over here to tell your friend? A fight at the modiste over silk? Or perhaps over ribbons?” The friend said with a small smile on his face, he was too obviously proud of his unhumorous joke and I for one was not amused. Upset by his comments I wanted to snarkily tell him to

leave me alone, but the feeling of being watched overcame me and with a glance to my right I could see my mother’s eyes watching us closely. The sight of her made me swallow my pride and respond to in my sweetest voice. “No, my lord. I just have an urgent matter to discuss with her that would be boring to go into detail, as it suddenly does not seem that important.” I replied, trying to seem mysterious instead of angry at his comments.

“Well then, if the matter isn’t as urgent as before would you care to dance?” He asked. His eyes were a hazel green with gold inflections that made my heart stutter for a moment, but just a moment.

I could feel my mother’s glare from the other side of the room hinting that I was taking too long to respond. “Of course.” I said flatly and I gingerly took his hand and allowed him to lead me to the floor. He was tall and more graceful than I and I hoped that I

wouldn’t make a fool of myself even though I had practiced the quadrille for hours and hours over the past few weeks at my mother’s behest preparing for this day. The music began slowly and picked up a steady pace as we slid across the floor surprisingly more in tune and in step than I had been with any other partner. He smiled at me causing the tops of his cheeks to blush slightly.

He is quite handsome, I thought, and then pushed the thought away as I released his gaze and began to look for Lizette on the floor. She was a few paces behind us but as we spun, I made eye contact with her and nodded my head to let her know the plan was on and it was a go. She knew most of my plan from our promenades in the park by the large lake. But I wanted to tell her when and where I had decided to go. To my dismay he asked me question after question while we danced and I tried to respond without sounding like I was wishing for this dizzying spinning to end.

“I have not met someone like you before…” He said as his voice was drowned out by the music hitting its high point to signal the end.

“I may never meet someone like you again. May I call on you tomorrow?” he asked as we bowed our goodbyes. My eyes met his in shock since I had not even paid note to anything he was asking and from behind I heard my mother’s voice poke in to accept the invitation for me. “She would be delighted to have you visit us in the

morning.” My mother beamed at the opportunity before me as I tried to sink in the background behind her but her nails were digging into my gloved arm. “Would it be too forward of me to ask for another dance?” He said mostly to me but glancing at my mother for approval. “Of course not! We will freshen up and return to dance with you in just a moment.” My mother replied again on my behalf. Half stunned at his approach and half enamored with his

beauty that took me longer to see than I wanted to admit I followed my mother off the dance floor. Once she shut the door to the parlor, she pointed her long finger at me and began to chastise me about my behavior. “This is the first man that has shown any interest in you, and you were not even paying attention to anything that poor man said.” I should have known she’d be less than an arm’s length away from the dance floor. “I warned you that you must be on your best behavior and here you are acting like a spoiled child. You will make this match work. Do you understand me? Or I will find you a match whether or not it is to your liking.” Her voice was cruel, and it made tears well up in my eyes. Her words made it clear that would be rid of me no matter what happened tonight, and this was exactly why I needed to leave. Why I needed to disappear in the night never to be seen again. 

I nodded and let the tears stream down my face. She dabbed at them with a soft handkerchief and then left without another word. What more could she say? She had made herself clear. 

I walked out of the room and immediately saw Lizette and

hurriedly whispered my plan into her ear as the friend of her new suitor walked toward me for this second dance. Luckily, her suitor also came in close tow behind, and we both were rushed to the floor. She whispered her goodbyes to me in between the steps when we were further away from our partners. “But what will you do?” She said as she spun away from her suitor. “I don’t know yet.” I replied as I spun toward my partner. “You seem distracted, but you dance beautifully.” He gushed in my ear. 

He flatters me with sweet nothings that could never equate to true love.

I smiled halfheartedly at his words.

Distracted wasn’t the half of it. At long last the song ended and I was able to swiftly sneak away into the crowd. I scanned the room properly and saw my mother talking away with another matron at length, my father nowhere to be seen meaning he must have slipped away to a men’s only smoke room. With a bit of luck, I could sneak out of here without being noticed. I made my way down a long hall toward the carriages and signaled for mine to be brought to me. Impatiently I waited as a voice came in from behind me. “Leaving already?” He said. Surprised I turned to see his green eyes glowing in the firelight. “I.. well I believe the dancing must have made me a bit tired, my lord.” I said as I lowered my gaze from his; my lie not nearly as smooth as I would have liked. “I was hoping to see you again, but it sounds like you’ve made plans to escape off somewhere with another lover.” he said sheepishly. I gasped as I hadn’t known he’d heard me.

“Don’t worry I won’t say anything.” He said, “At least not until you’ve gone. I am only sorry that someone else has taken your heart before I had a chance to know it.” I laughed, “No one has stolen my heart, but it is for my heart that I must leave. You understand that women do not have the choice here to find love, we are bound to marriage and duty, not love. So, it is to protect my heart that I must leave.” I said. He looked at me curiously as my carriage approached and after a short moment he said, “If you would allow me to call on you tomorrow maybe it is with me you might find this love and if not, I will help you leave freely, but to not give us a chance to try, well, I believe that would be a grave sin.”

He offered his hand as I entered the carriage, speechless, as I had never been spoken to so eloquently, I realized his soft spoken words were making me lessen my resolve. My heart began to beat quickly in my chest as he reached to close the door, “I will come by at calling hour regardless of your answer, although it seems that you may not have an answer as of yet, and for me that is a good thing. It means that you possibly will consider my offer, even if on the other side of possibility you may not. I am rambling and holding you hostage here at this point. So, for tonight, I surrender to your will, and I pray that I see you in the daylight hours for tea.” He said as he closed the door and stepped out of the way of the carriage, finally allowing them to leave. . I watched his face as we rode away. At first, I battled internally of what his final expression must mean and then it hit me, hope, that was the look in his eyes. Alone in my room I contemplated my next move. Pacing the floor trying to decide if leaving was the right thing to do.

What if I could find love in this stranger? Or what if it was all just a cruel trick to trap me in a life where I would be unfulfilled?

These questions lingered in my head as I packed and

unpacked my bags.

The church bells rang, and the hour was near when I would

no longer have a choice, if I stayed I'd need to explain my sudden absence from the ball. Outside the sound of carriages was growing louder and I realized that I had pondered in my thoughts for too long as the voices of neighbors began ringing through the night air. It wouldn’t be long before my parents were among those voices.

I had to decide quickly to stay or to go. I grabbed my bag and ran to the door. “Miss?” I heard Julianna say from behind me. Mistakenly I turned to look back as I descended the stairs. The last thing I heard was a resounding “Miss!” as darkness surrounded me.